It's only going to sting a little bit and then its all good - said the doctor to me. I believed him. After all, I have always hated getting shots and every bit of consoling helps. But the doctor always lied to me. It stings not just a bit, but a lot. The sight of the blood oozing into the syringe dazes me and I am always left numb and throbbing.
The attorney also told me the same thing - it's going to hurt only a little bit, and it will all be over soon. He was lying too.
It's been so many days, weeks, months now. But the pain hasn't numbed at all. It's not the pain of what is lost. It's the fear of what's in store which hurts. The loneliness, the agony, the humiliation, the clarifications, the explanations - these are what hurts. The few good memories that were there are cast away by the misery which engulfs now.
I have been through this road before, a few years ago. When there was less at stake to lose and the hurt was probably lesser. But little did I know that it would catch up to me so very soon. The psych tells me to keep a journal to lessen my anxiety. My journal, which the world scrutinizes for every aspect of my life. Little does he know that it would only increase my anxiety more. But I decide to venture a risk nevertheless. After all, when all is lost, what's there to fear.
So now, I stand by to pick up the remnants of a life that never was and clear the debris away. The question is not 'Why'. It's 'Why me?'
As I smash the perfect frame which I had gifted myself to put in the perfect picture and watch it crumble to bits, I feel a relief I haven't felt in ages. Letting go was the easy and the wise part. Living on is the scary and difficult truth. It's not a 'You & Me', not a 'We' either. It's simply a plain 'I'.. today and tomorrow.
For the first time in my life, I hunt for a new motto to embrace.
'Smile like you have never cried
Fight like you have never lost
Love like you have never been hurt
Live like there's no tomorrow '.. easier said than done !