It rained in my heart

Yet another day 

And more lies.

I believe you

And you are all smiles.

A fool in love

I am not.

Trust in love

is what I was taught.

You are happy

you fooled me again.

Just to keep you happy

I act the fool again.

Twelve minutes to Twelve

I am always in hurry. Today was no different either. Leaving for work on time in the mornings can be a huge challenge for me. And invariably it still means I end up at least 10 minutes late too. But today was destined to be different and I had no idea about that when I woke up.Oh! except maybe for the date 12.12.12, the last one of its kind in this century!

As was routine, while rushing out of the apartment, the lighted oil lamp is always the last thing which usually catches my attention and I end up running all the way back in just to put it out and then rush out again.

Well, if superstitions are to be believed, getting back in after leaving your house in the morning is considered to bring ill luck, which would mean that I am knowingly bringing in ill luck everyday. But I don't believe in that and so far I have had nothing to complain about how my days have ever been.

Like I said, today was no different. The door was just about to be shut and that's when I noticed the slight yellow glow still blinking in the otherwise dark room and I curse myself for forgetting it again and run back in. As was habit, I try to put it out with a swift flick of my palm.

Usually, one swift flick and its done. I don't bother to give a second look.I mumble a small apology to the entire bulk of gods seated there and run out grabbing my heavy bag. Today, however, the one swift flick resounded in a loud thud metallic sound and the next thing I know, I have a half broken lamp lying near my feet with the hot oil spilled in a random fashion on the floor below, the carpet and the wall next to it. The lamp has been put out, but this was not how I had intended it to.

My heart skipped a beat and something in my head kept on  saying 'this has to definitely mean something bad'. I was still late and I run out to get into my car. All the while on my drive to work, I expected to be run down by someone or something ! Reached work safe and sound.

So I guess the bad luck wasn't on me after all.  But I still had to be sure. I called up every single person in every corner of the world who held a place in my heart. For every missed call, my heart skipped a beat again. But when the text sound beeped in my mobile, I breathed in relief again. So that was not it either.

I checked my emails every half hour to make sure I was still employed. That was going good too.

I never usually disturb him while we are at work, but today I just had to make sure. So I kept calling him way too often and he was very patient about it too.

Finally when I did reach back home, I looked over and promised them a new lamp very soon and told them not to try any more new tricks this time ! I was pretty sure they got the idea. Relieved I hit the sack and slept like a baby.

The pang of hunger woke me up around 11:30 PM and I wake up not too happy that there's still half an hour left to go of this bad luck day. But I console myself. After-all what could possibly go wrong in just half an hour.

After fixing myself a nice quick dinner, I come to turn on my laptop.

1 unread email. From him. I wonder why he emails. Usually it's a call or a text. I open it.

Hi,

I hope you are not too surprised by this email. But I just dint have the courage to tell this to you on call. Hence the email. 

Well, the big news is I am getting married and yes, its not to you. I am sorry, but you know how it is. Family,age ,religion and social circle. I wish I had a better answer for you. She is very nice too. Dint get to spend too much time with her yet, but I have an entire lifetime to do that now. 

You are great too, but its just not us. I hope you understand.Thanks for everything.

Love,
X

And I look at the time, 12 minutes to 12 on 12/12/12, the last one of it's kind in this century.

So this day was special and superstitions are true too...

See Paris for me...

I turned back to give one last look at the magnificient lighted up Eiffel tower in front of me and I could feel the beauty of it spell bound me again. I was finding it hard to fight back and pull myself away from its overwhelming aura. My teary eyes made it impossible to keep looking at it for long.

I was here to live a dream. And it's now no longer in the bucket list. Time for me to drag my bags and head away.

I pulled out the faded crumpled paper and that was the last check in it. Last destination - crossed and complete. End of a lifetime's dream.

' So you promise to marry me ? '. The 18 year old me was excited and bubbly.

'Yes My dear. Absolutely'. He had replied.

'I want to tour the world. Do you promise to take me? I want to see Paris, Italy, sit in the gondola in Venice, ski in Switzerland, have waffles in Belgium, stuff myself with donuts and cheesecake from USA, pluck a maple leaf in Toronto and honeymoon in Seychelles. Can you do all this for me'?

At that age, these were what appealed to me about marriage.

Without the slightest hesitation, he promised me every single thing I wanted. A roof over my head, a hand to hold when we walked, a hug to cheer me up,a good night kiss every night, a house bustling with family and friends.. he promised me my every wish.

In return, I assured him to be the ideal wife, daughter-in-law and a mother anyone would be proud of.

And then we grew up.....

....Or maybe just he did.

Cause I still hung onto the promises made to me when I was 18.

At long last, when we did finally tie the knot, I waited for him to surprise me and start living the dream built over the years.

I waited for years for the Seychelles honeymoon he promised.

My extended hands were left unheld, until at last they decided to stay where they were to, by my side, hanging listless and unheld.

The good night kisses I blew out into the darkness remained haunting.

Paris, Italy and the gondola's in Venice remained cut-out's from magazines in my albums.

Now at 62, when I finally made it to my honeymoon, I refused to let my spirits die cause I was travelling alone and had lived alone. I had made it. So what if there was no husband to capture my photographs while I lived my every dream. The memories were imprinted in my memory for ever.

I wasnt a bride without a honeymoon. I was the bride who lived her honeymoon 34 years after her wedding.... by herself.

After all, somebody had to listen to my heart. She had whispered 'See paris for me...'

A walk past midnight

The unrelenting rain crashed on the car creating a bigger thunderous effect than it actually was. The FM was playing some random music which I could in no way relate to but was still finding solace in.

The cab was full.. with an assorted mix of people from different background, different lives but doing the same work. Now heading back to their warm homes after a hard day's work. I tried reading into their minds. Some looking forward to sharing the day's mishaps with the dear ones waiting back home. Or to just reach home and top off the day with a neat whisky or maybe to follow some random updates on facebook.. but every face did speak a plan. Some hope. Something to look forward. I avoided the mirror. I knew what was in store for me and I dint need a second look to affirm to it for me.

My colleague's phone buzzed. Ecstatic, she picks the phone and whispers 'Yes baby. Will be home in 20 minutes. yes I will text you'. I look at her. she studies my quizzical look for a minute and then explains to me as to how her husband gets worried each time she is out on the night shift. How he thinks the night time isnt safe for his perfect angel. I smile. She smiles too. She takes out her phone again and as promised, texts him of our cab's location.

I decided to be brave too and venture a risk. I take out my phone and compose a text. Nothing big. Just a small two letter word. A 'Hi'. I choose his number and click on send.

Crazy instinct I must admit, but it's been an action I always regret. Each time.Every single time. As soon as it has been done. This time was no different either. I should have known better than to have been stupid. Again.

I tried racking my brains to think of one person in this whole world who would be worried if I was to inform that I was out, at night, all by myself. Would it matter to you that I was out this late?

One sure bet was my parents. But then hey, I guess I have already given them enough headache as it is. The last thing I would want them to do is sit up late at night worrying about my return. But then it was definitely a consolation to know that there are still a few extended hands to fall back into.

But you know what I mean, dont you. That's not what I was talking about. That's not the concern I am concerned about here. Day after day, when I travel back in the wee hours and the entire world is silent and where there are worried husbands, love struck boyfriends or even a attempting to be a boyfriend calling up each and every single number in my cab, I cannot help but think, where did i go wrong?

Why is there a wrong notion that I am independent? Which aspect of me shouts out to people to leave me alone. Why do I not get to be someone's princess, someone's delicate angel, someone's hearing post who gets to hear sweet nothings whispered all day and all night long? I would love to cuddle and sleep. Spoon me all night long and put me to sleep. Sing a song in my ear and wake me up in the morning. Treat me to a bar of chocolate or a bunch of flowers. Surprise me with a gift. Take me out to a park or a beach or a movie or even to your friend's party. Share the space in my couch with me, watch a noon show on tv with me, share a few laughs with me..

The blaring honking of the car jerked me out of my dream world and I look around. Our cab's been hit. Talk about everything which can go wrong and apparently it does!

A very apologetic driver turns to us and tells us that we have to find our own means to get back. Out comes all mobile phones again. The frantic better halves are already on their way to pick up their dear ones and get them transported home... away in safety.

It's 2AM. I still sit by the pavement on the road and watch as each and every single one in the cab are received by welcoming extended arms. The last one to leave, looks back at me and questions very gingerly 'Are you sure there's absolutely no one to pick you up? We could have given you a lift, but we are headed the other way you know. Really sorry'.

I give her my most charming smile and tell her that its absolutely fine. She has no idea that I am already used to this. Used to this feeling of not having expectations, of not having the right to dream and of not having a tomorrow to look forward to.

Solitude is an infection. It's gotten to me and I know its not easy to get rid of. Bear it and move on. That's the remedy my shrink suggested.

I decided to do what I always do best. Make the worst choice and hope that its for the best. I start walking to my house. It's still raining and its still past 2AM, but I know there is no one up and awake waiting to hear of my safe arrival at an empty house with an empty bed.

I wake up to the sound of an incoming text message next afternoon. 'Mobile was silent.Saw your text now'.......

A first proposal...

Will you marry me? Please..

I look down at the bright shining eyes looking at me with so much adoration that I felt my heart melt away and along with it, I could also feel all my worries just give way. The world seemed a much better place to live. Life looked beautiful again. I felt pretty again...But this was a question, I know I can never say 'Yes' to.

But yet again, looking down at that bright face with so much expectations on his earnest face, I just couldnt make myself speak out the much detested 'No'.

No, I dint want to be the first girl who has ever broken his heart. He would only remember me for that, for the rest of his life. The girl who rejected his first ever proposal. I might even scar him for life. He might never again be able to propose another girl.

But then, he's only 4 now ! He has got plenty of time left in his life to get back up on his feet and fall in love again.

And as for me, I am already 26 and this was the closest anyone had ever come to proposing me ! Oh dear.. was I in a dilema or what ! I burst out laughing and my youngest suitor again looked up at me in astonishment.

It's not like he was on the floor, propped on one knee with a ring in one hand and waiting for my answer. He popped the question to me while playing with his train set and he was still busy playing with it, unheedful of my answer to his question.

My curiousity entirely peaked, I ask him 'Okay. So tell me why do you want to marry me?'

Still playing, he replies 'I love the chocolate milk shake you make. I love the way you make the faces on my sandwich you know. All my friends are so jealous of my sandwiches.I dont let them touch it you know. And you buy me better clothes than mummy. Mummy doesnt know to spike my hair either'.

'Hmm..but I still do all that for you na, just like your mummy. Why do you want to marry me?' I probe the little mind again.

He looks up at me and speaks out with full honesty 'Mummy is already married to daddy na. But you are not married to anyone. Thats why I will marry you. So you be here with us full time ok'.

And I hug the little one so tight he screams to be let go and curses me for spoiling his well spiked hair ! And I still burst out laughing looking at my first ever little suitor, who so genuinely offered to be by my side for the rest of our lives.

Well, he is 6 years old now. Still a very very long way to go for him to get married. But the day he finds his beautiful princess and offers her his heart. I am going to swoop down and accuse him for not marrying me as he promised ! Until then, I bask in the glory of the most innocent marriage proposal I ever got !

Indian summer

'Hey..looks like you bought along the Indian summer with you to Ireland'.

Hearing the word 'Indian', I turn around and I see a friendly faced stranger smiling and walking towards me. I was on my way back after a weekly shopping spree and was enjoying a leisurely stroll in an entirely new neighborhood. He catches up to where I was standing and smiles again 'Lovely weather aint it..like I said..I believe you bought the Indian summer along with you'.

I smiled back at him and agreed wholeheartedly with his statement.
He: 'I am headed this way too.. Mind if I walk along?'
Me: 'Not at all !'

I had read a gazillion times on how people out here are very friendly and that I shouldn't be surprised if a total stranger approached for small talk. But I had decided to still keep my self defence mentality alert (years of living in India and I was automatically attuned to it). I had never really bothered to pay any heed to anyone or anything around me when I was outside. But today was a beautiful day. Lovely sunshine and a cool pleasant breeze, I had let my guard down and was totally enjoying the day. Hence I figured, I might as well enjoy a total stranger's conversation too. And so we walked.

He was from Ireland. An artist by profession. Not young but not too old either. We had walked for almost 20 minutes. He told me a lot about this country. It's culture, people, food. Told me about places I should visit.. not the regular ones updated in the tourist information links online..but of the hidden beauty of Ireland. He talked in length of the sceneries an artist's brush strokes had duplicated and framed. He quoted some lovely poems describing the beauty of both Ireland and India. In fact he even took me by surprise when he sang the first two lines of the Indian national anthem. While we waited for the pedestrian light to turn green, he unrolled his latest masterpiece and showed me the lovely scenery he was currently painting, along with the photo of the place he had captured to help in replicating it.

Nevertheless to say, it was the best walk ever. I had never realized how easy it was to start a conversation with an absolute stranger. He never asked my name. And neither did I. The entire conversation was about the history, the geography, the deep blue skies, food and almost everything under the sun, except for any details about the 2 individuals who was conversing.

When we reached the cross-points where we are to head off in different directions, he gives me one last statement 'Like 2 people who meet in a train or flight, our paths crossed too. Enjoyed the walk with a lovely lady by my side and if fated, may our paths cross again. Enjoy your stay in Ireland. May you find as much beauty in this lovely land as I did.'

With a 'cheers' we moved on, in different directions.

This day has definitely been one to remember. It's only been sundown since this and I don't even recall the stranger's smiling face. I am pretty sure I would not even recognize him even if our paths ever cross..nor would he recognize me. But the conversation and the wonderful words are imprinted in a tucked away corner of my memory. A day I experienced the little bout of friendliness which added a lot of color to my otherwise listless day. A day to remember.. the day an absolute stranger bought a lasting smile on my face for the day! Thank you stranger..whoever and wherever you are...!

Cheers !!

Colors

In the mood for a bit of color today..changed the blog layout ;) ! Been all white and drab for a long long time.. now I want to get a feeling of the lovely colors around ! Spring is in full bloom..and so is my blog !
Happy to be alive !

Conversations

Well well.. Looks like I am on a roll ! Totally absorbed into the poetic mood today. My last one for the day today :) !

Every conversation needs words
But you entwined ours 
with just fleeting glances distorts.


My persuasion in full eagerness
desperately I yearned for your tenderness.
I knew better than to wait for it
But a small part of me still believed in it.


I waited for the day to come
When the depth of my words are no longer numb.
But like every other promise 
this too was just, yet another sacrifice.


A look, a touch
these I miss much.
Your Silence is deafening
when my heart is wrenching.


I plucked a silence from you
I plucked a silence from me
And I entwined it into a conversation of sorts.
But you still gave me fleeting glances distorts
and every conversation needs words.

Sleepless in Dublin !

On a normal weekday, I struggle to wake up in time to even make it to my bus at 8:15AM for work. Come weekend and I am wide awake by freaking 5:30AM! Totally bugged with this unfortunate turn of events and since I have nothing better to do so early in the morning, I have decided to vent this out in my blog.

Oh dear lord, its going to be one long long saturday and just when I thought I could atleast sleep the day off!

I guess my post title should be 'Sleep less' on weekdays and 'Sleepless' on weekends ! Wish there was some gadget in blogspot where I can set this to change based on the day !

Moving on, that's another fact I am loving about this place. Its so much fun to just stay huddled in the blanket. The weather is always so cold ! Every morning, waking up is like taking a dip into an icy cold frozen pond. I test the air around by just keeping a toe outside the blanket to see how cold it really is and then gradually let myself out of the cozy comforts of the warm duvet and make a dash to get dressed for work !

In my every day phone conversations with my mom, she tells me how very hot it is back in India.. I never have the heart to tell her I am literally freezing away here. This is probably the first May in my entire lifetime that I am spending huddled up and in a sweater literally the entire day. Had I been back home like every other May's in the past, I would be walking around with a big bottle of frozen water, trying to find some spot where the breeze is just mildly hot and praying for ways to keep the sun away atleast for an hour. Now I realize how unrelenting the summers in India really are. The blazing sun, the tiring heat, the hot hot hot winds and to top it all, no water and electricity supply !

My last few summers in Bangalore were terrible. Invariably we were always out of water every 3 months in the peak of summer. Waiting for those big tankers with their water supply was like a torture. Those truck drivers assumed the role of rain gods and oh god so were their prices (It was sky high) !

The heights of this torture session is when the electricity board authorities decide to taunt us by turning off the power exactly at mid afternoon. There have been days when we have even walked down to the offices and pleaded to the authorities to turn the power back on but to no avail. Its always some issue with some line in some far off place which has burnt down and needs to be replaced. What I never understood was why does the line burn off exactly at 2PM every single weekend !

All said and done, after surviving so many summers in India, it's fun to experience a new kind of summer here. A summer with water supply, power supply and temperatures in single digits !

Have I told this before here? I am in love.... with Dublin.

Europe had always been my dream destination. And this place is exactly how I had dreamed it to be. Quaint, green and so very pleasant. Just taking a walk around is so reassuring. I had been on a long walk around my office yesterday and I just couldn't make myself turn back and walk. It's what a hill station back home would be like ! No high rise glass buildings to obstruct the view of the sky. No shade of green in the trees are alike..it's like an artist's painting of what god wanted a beautiful view to be like.. Just perfect !

Yes, its true I miss the chaos back home but I love the peace here too. And all this say without even going on a single sightseeing tour here. I have been here almost 2 months and till date, I haven't visited a single place other than my office, despite the fact that one of most famous landmark here, the St.Patrick Church is right at my doorstep and with all the other major attractions being just a small walking distance apart ! I had made a huge list of all the places I wanted to see here in Dublin, the top rated being 'Glendalough', the lovely location where P.S I Love You was shot. But I guess all that will have to wait. And ya, I know this post is a stark contrast to my previous one below. But I guess 2 months is long enough time for anyone to get over homesickness and I am back on track !

Right now, I need sleep !!! It's a weekend for heavens sake and I just cannot be staying up so wide awake !
I just know that all this lost sleep in going to swoop down on me on a monday morning, when even the extra 5 minutes I shut my eyes turns out to be 2 long hours ! And since I am so bugged this particular morning, I do not choose a picture to go along with this post, unlike my every other post ! Hmph...weekend..humbug !

The lady in the orange vest

Back again..with much more to share. Please tread along only if you have the time.

As an introduction, the first thing I did when I logged into my blogger link was to update my profile and change the location from Bangalore,India to Dublin, Ireland. I will be shameless and admit it in an open forum that I have always dreamed/wished of doing such a change and this post is all about it.

'You see that lady in the orange vest there? You can collect it from her'. I turn in the direction of the pointed finger and true, I do see the lady in the orange vest. Propped with my laptop bag on my shoulder, I scurry towards here and request her for the immigration form for flight EY-67 from Bangalore to Abudhabi. Armed with the form in one hand, I turn around frantically every 2 steps, to wave to my family standing outside the departure gate. My parents,my aunty..I was leaving behind everything I loved and owned and moving to something I dint know yet.

Once done with all the formalities, I am at gate 13 and find a seat for myself. I still have a good 1 and half hour to kill before my flight boards. I look around the airport. It's jam packed and overhead I see huge banners on SAP. My heart swells with pride. I am a part of that wonderful family. And almost immediately, my joy deflates. I am leaving behind something far more precious.

On a normal flight, I enjoy the take off. I love to feel the sudden speed and the lightness when it actually takes off. But this time I was too engulfed in my own thoughts to even realize the take off or the landing.

'Farewell to deepthi...lets assemble now'. A few days ago, when this mail came to my inbox, I felt a sudden lump. We all assembled in a small conf room and while stories were shared and laughter broke out, I tried my best to keep a straight face. This was my home away from home. I stayed in bangalore for over 4 years and this had been my home. Most of the people in the room werent just my colleagues, they were family. And I was leaving all this behind.

And that is how I got on the flight to Abudhabi, which is a transit to my final destination Dublin, Ireland. As the distance between the travel date and the offer date grew less, my emotions went from being that of excitement to worry. So much so that, by the time I was on the connecting flight from Abudhabi to Dublin, I was a total nervous wreck and in tears. To make up for this sick behavior, I pretended to read from the 'P.S. I love you' book. It was a 8.30 hour flight of which I refused every meal which was offered. Ultimately, my fellow traveller, a local Irish guy was sympathetic and offered me the following comment 'You know maybe you shouldn't try to read the book after all.. it is a very sad story. Try the movie, atleast you can make it through'.

Anyways, all the hurdles later, I arrived at Dublin. I had been thorough numerous updates on FB where most of my friends had been away on onsite travel for longer duration. Were they all cranky as I was? No,certainly dint look so. They had happy updates to put on FB. They had lovely photos to share on FB. Here I am sulking and cribbing. The last straw in my journey was when I was waiting in Queue for the immigration clearance at Dublin and I noticed an indian girl standing a lil ahead of me.She came back and joined me in the queue. Turns out she was here for a week and was all excited and bubbly. She asks me 'So when is your return flight back? Mine's for next saturday'. I tell her I have no return ticket. The look of bewilderment on her face was totally worth it :)!

Anyways, to cut a long story short, I was a sad picture of total dejection by the time I walked in to the service apartment which was set for me. I walked out in the chilly evening in a unknown place with no directions, no contacts whatsoever looking for a local sim connection as my international roaming dint work and my laptop refused to turn on !. Finally after walking for hours and getting lost among drunken youngsters (yeah..I reached here on the St.Patrick day parade and the entire city was flowing with alcohol), I somehow got back in one piece pretty late at night all by myself! That part I am definitely proud of.. I handled myself well there ;)!

But the next bit, I am not so proud of... I called my parents and howled my heart out, my dad hasnt slept the entire week since. He wakes up at 1:30 AM post midnight to call me up and make sure I got home safe from work. My mom waits for me to call in the morning.

I freaked out my poor brother who was in turn freaked out by my dad for my howling! Basically, by the end of the night, I had every member in my family up and about worrying about me.

I moped around in the house for the entire day and night. The only one person I knew in this town was another colleague of mine who had travelled here earlier and he was in China and I had no idea. His number was not reachable either. Had I not met the one Indian couple who lived in the same building the next morning, I probably would have been back home in the next flight ! But destiny had different plans..and here I am..one week later, still in the same city.

It's beautiful. Every evening, I walk by the liffey river and take in its wonderful beauty. The weather is amazing. A casual stroll does wonders. I shop for the craziest things. And now I am busy looking for a house to move into. A house where I hope to have new memories to share, a new life to remember. I still miss my family like crazy, my parents, my friends and pretty much everyone else...and everything back home..but I am also learning to fall in love with a new place..

But I have a new found respect to all you onsiters out there..who made such a transition look so easy in FB. I literally went through a spectrum of every possible human emotion in just 4 days and I am still not stable, but atleast I know I can survive. Added below is  picture of the lovely river I stroll by most evenings.