Sunday, May 26, 2013

I am that girl

I am that girl who forgives everyone who gets mad at me. 
I am that girl who cares way too much about what people think of her. 
I am that girl who fears being alone. 
I am that girl who is scared of growing up. 
I am that girl who acts like I’m tough when really, I feel like crying.
I am that girl who says yes to everything, because I hate disappointing people.
I am that girl who tries to be nice to everyone then gets taken advantage of. 
I am that girl who doesn't care if it's a million dollars or a handmade card,
as long as you thought of me.
I am that girl who tries to express how she feels, but just cannot find the right words.
I am that girl who everyone thinks they know....but they just don't !

--Inspired from a random forward I saw today morning.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Friend or Foe

Top note: Apparently, changing the link wasn't so foolproof ! But well, it's the best I can manage with for now. Moving on to my thoughts for the day -

Is everyone you meet either a friend or foe? How easy is to distinguish between the two?
Honestly I am lost. I am not gullible. But I trust too fast and too much.  Well, maybe that is being gullible after all.

And I don’t filter what I say. But that’s only because I consider you a friend. I am not good at lying. At the first sign of a lie from my mouth, you can figure out what exactly the situation is. I get so awfully uncomfortable that I lose track of what I wanted to lie about.

Well then, if I have taken the liberty of trusting you so much, shouldn't the decent thing to do be to acknowledge my trust and reciprocate it? Why use my words against me? If I wanted the whole world to know about it, I would have shouted it out to the whole world. Why use my trust with you to judge my own character? Why use it to defame me?

I am going through a big phase of realization and transformation. Some things I had taken for granted are getting rewritten. Few people I have trusted are showing me their true colors.

I mean, honestly, is there really a true friend in this world? Is there this one person who will listen to all that you say and be genuinely happy for you or sad for you as it is? Isn't there always a selfish factor to it? Should a friend be someone who outs you just to make themselves safe?

Is it easier to not just make any friends at all? Where does one draw the line when it comes to friendship? How do I make sure that what I tell you in absolute confidence is not going to make the rounds and come back right at me? How in the world do I feel assured that you are not lying to me, on my face, even if it is something so simple that I know the truth about?

Have you ever been there? Do you know what it feels like?

 I do and I hate that feeling of vulnerability.

I have loved to walk with my head held high knowing that I am hurting no one and no one is hurting me. Sadly, that seems to be a distant past now. I am in the middle of the biggest mess of my life that I possibly could be in. And anywhere I turn, I see only judgmental people waiting for the first opportunity to throw back those much detested words.

At this juncture, I sit and ponder, how did I even get here in the first place? And how do I get out of all this?

Few points which strike me as the answers/solutions–
a)   I am here because I trusted people too easily. I let people in to my life when they had no need or even desire to be there.
b) I gave caution to the winds when talking to people.  Lesson learnt, never be entirely truthful. A white lie never hurts. If someone asks you about your salary, tell a lie. It’s as simple as that!
c) If you ask me a question, rest assured you will get the answer for it and for the next 10 questions that you could have asked. That’s how detailed my answers always were. Now I realize what a fool I had been.
d)  How do I go from here? Do I cut people from my life? Or do I simply just keep myself away from people? Does it help to be invisible?
e) And most importantly, do I really have to care about what people talk about me? Is it enough that my close friends and family know and understand me? Sadly I know the answer to that is a no, because I am very much affected by what others around me think/say/do. It gets to me and sometimes even gets me down.
f)  Last but not the least, learn to be rude to people. I had always wondered why there is a course out there just for saying ‘No’. Ironically, I see the importance now. If I had learnt to just say a stern ‘No’ in the first place, my life could probably have been a bigger ‘YES’ now!

Great, now this is a good start. I know what my mistakes were and I know how I got here. I just need to figure out how to get out of this.

Oh. I am already writing chick flicks. I need to get out of this rut. This is so not me !

A new beginning

And the deed is done.

For the last 7 years, my blog had been my identity. I never wanted to name my blog anything but my name. I was open to sharing my opinions with the world. I was never ashamed of what I wrote here and I was more than proud to share my blog with the rest of the world. I had been proud of being honest in my actions and deeds. I don't see why I should hide away and walk. But apparently, if you try standing alone, you will only be left alone. Walk with the crowd and you turn invisible.

And today, at this crossroad in my life, my blog , like me, has to be go anonymous. Inspite of all my big words and claims, I succumb to the pressure of the external society and let my thoughts go unheard and invisible. I hope a lot of world peace is achieved with this action of mine. Because if not, somebody is going to pay for this !

I am doing this only due to the unrelenting pressure on me from every side.Oh ! If only writing wasn't my first love, I wouldn't have hesitated even a second before deleting this blog out and going on with my life. Sadly this is the first and only love I have in this world. Giving it up would kill me more than having given up my life and future.

So to everyone who had read my blog as 'deepthi' so far.. I am just 'anonymous' moving forward. And if any of you happen to stumble across this new blog link, please post a comment on how you got here ! I would love to hear from you ;) !

And as a result, I am supposed to take down my photo too. Honestly I don't see what I have written here that has irked some part of this society so much, but to ensure continued sustainability and in the interest of common happiness, that deed is done too. My picture in blogspot comes down too.

Hopefully... a new beginning......

Edited note: May 26'th 2013 - The link is back again.I just couldn't resist it. I am no invisibilitycharm or anonymous. It's back to what it should be and that's what it will be. If this causes world war 3..big deal !! All I can say is 'I don't care !

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Dead or Divorced

I thought ‘Death’ meant the end of life as we know it. But apparently there is one more ‘D’ letter word which also technically denotes the end of life – ‘Divorce’.

            - Oh my god ! She is divorced and still on Facebook?
            -  Oh dear lord ! She is listening to music and raving about it?
            - She is still blogging?
            - She is still working and going out where people gather?
            - Why is she dressing up?
            - Why does she have a smile on her face?

This is just a sample of what comes your way if you are out of a marriage.

 Well, excuse me my dear ignorant human beings. But when someone gets a divorce, technically, they don’t slash off their eyes, ears or limbs. They pretty much still let us go out as the people we walked in. So I am still alive, breathing and very much capable of seeing, hearing, understanding and sometimes even participating in what goes on around me.

Just because my marriage didn't work out, don’t make me an outcast. I am still the same breathing walking talking person that I used to be. Probably a bit more wiser and maybe heartbroken too, but still the same person.

It takes two to make or break a marriage. Why is the girl always the scapegoat?

A 5 year old is raped, it’s the girl’s fault.
A marriage breaks, it’s the girl’s fault.

For heaven’s sake, give me a break ! 
If you cannot stand my updates on Facebook, get yourself knocked out of my list. I have absolutely no complaints. In fact I couldn't be more thankful !

I have a life and I have people who care for me and are worried about me and want to see me happy. I intend to live for them. It’s the least I can do.  I cannot live my life in a shell.

So, one marriage dint work out. For someone like me who believed that, to be married and settled is the ultimate aim in life, this was a huge eye opener. No. Life doesn't end with a marriage nor does it end with the termination of one. For people who find this concept preposterous, please feel free to borrow my shoes and walk in them. If you can get as far as I have, you have my respect and you have every right to judge me. But if you don’t, then shut your freaking mouth and stay away from me.

It is not easy being a single girl working away from family and dear ones. And now not possible all the more so, cause I don’t have a husband. Do you know what all goes into maintaining a home? Do you know how increasingly difficult it is to achieve all these despite being a girl? Do you even remotely understand how important and necessary it is for a girl to maintain her dignity and self respect and yet still have a social face and life? Do you know what it is like to be living a life where you are judged, scorned and looked down upon at every single day?

 If you have the answers to any of these questions, well then I guess you should have a fair idea of where I am coming from.

I am human.  Once was a mistake, but don’t judge me because of it. I will never regret or apologize for what happened. I will also never stand being taken for granted. I was never a feminist. Don’t make me one. 

I still believe there are a few good men out there and I respect them for the wonderful job they are doing in taking care of the women in their life. And yes, I envy those women too. I will be honest about it. But there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I have no idea what the message of this post of mine is. But it’s just a vent of my frustration at this point.

I just need the right to live, like every other regular girl on the face of this earth.. with a smile on my face and a tomorrow to look forward to.  Don’t come around ruining it for me. If you cannot help me, so be it. Don’t pull me down. Just let me be.

Friday, May 10, 2013


You cant live in the past.
because no matter how tightly you hold on
...............its already gone !

Monday, May 6, 2013

The unframed frames

It's only going to sting a little bit and then its all good - said the doctor to me. I believed him. After all, I have always hated getting shots and every bit of consoling helps. But the doctor always lied to me. It stings not just a bit, but a lot. The sight of the blood oozing into the syringe dazes me and I am always left numb and throbbing.

The attorney also told me the same thing - it's going to hurt only a little bit, and it will all be over soon. He was lying too.

It's been so many days, weeks, months now. But the pain hasn't numbed at all. It's not the pain of what is lost. It's the fear of what's in store which hurts. The loneliness, the agony, the humiliation, the clarifications, the explanations - these are what hurts. The few good memories that were there are cast away by the misery which engulfs now.

I have been through this road before, a few years ago. When there was less at stake to lose and the hurt was probably lesser. But little did I know that it would catch up to me so very soon. The psych tells me to keep a journal to lessen my anxiety. My journal, which the world scrutinizes for every aspect of my life. Little does he know that it would only increase my anxiety more. But I decide to venture a risk nevertheless. After all, when all is lost, what's there to fear.

So now, I stand by to pick up the remnants of a life that never was and clear the debris away. The question is not 'Why'. It's 'Why me?'

As I smash the perfect frame which I had gifted myself to put in the perfect picture and watch it crumble to bits, I feel a relief I haven't felt in ages. Letting go was the easy and the wise part. Living on is the scary and difficult truth. It's not a 'You & Me', not a 'We' either. It's simply a plain 'I'.. today and tomorrow.

For the first time in my life, I hunt for a new motto to embrace.

'Smile like you have never cried
Fight like you have never lost
Love like you have never been hurt
Live like there's no tomorrow '..  easier said than done !

Thursday, May 2, 2013

The elastic heart

For some weird reason, this had been a title stuck in my head for a very long time and I found it quite catchy. For the past couple of years,I have been toying with the idea of trying to come up with a nice post to go for it. And today I see the irony of it.

Elastic: As per the definition we are all familiar with, isn't it something which goes back to its original state even though it has been contracted, dilated or distorted? Well, Apparently not.

As 2 strangers we met
2 strangers we part.
Some journeys last a lifetime
Some take a lifetime away.
                                        - - - Deepthi