Friday, May 24, 2013

Friend or Foe

Top note: Apparently, changing the link wasn't so foolproof ! But well, it's the best I can manage with for now. Moving on to my thoughts for the day -

Is everyone you meet either a friend or foe? How easy is to distinguish between the two?
Honestly I am lost. I am not gullible. But I trust too fast and too much.  Well, maybe that is being gullible after all.

And I don’t filter what I say. But that’s only because I consider you a friend. I am not good at lying. At the first sign of a lie from my mouth, you can figure out what exactly the situation is. I get so awfully uncomfortable that I lose track of what I wanted to lie about.

Well then, if I have taken the liberty of trusting you so much, shouldn't the decent thing to do be to acknowledge my trust and reciprocate it? Why use my words against me? If I wanted the whole world to know about it, I would have shouted it out to the whole world. Why use my trust with you to judge my own character? Why use it to defame me?

I am going through a big phase of realization and transformation. Some things I had taken for granted are getting rewritten. Few people I have trusted are showing me their true colors.

I mean, honestly, is there really a true friend in this world? Is there this one person who will listen to all that you say and be genuinely happy for you or sad for you as it is? Isn't there always a selfish factor to it? Should a friend be someone who outs you just to make themselves safe?

Is it easier to not just make any friends at all? Where does one draw the line when it comes to friendship? How do I make sure that what I tell you in absolute confidence is not going to make the rounds and come back right at me? How in the world do I feel assured that you are not lying to me, on my face, even if it is something so simple that I know the truth about?

Have you ever been there? Do you know what it feels like?

 I do and I hate that feeling of vulnerability.

I have loved to walk with my head held high knowing that I am hurting no one and no one is hurting me. Sadly, that seems to be a distant past now. I am in the middle of the biggest mess of my life that I possibly could be in. And anywhere I turn, I see only judgmental people waiting for the first opportunity to throw back those much detested words.

At this juncture, I sit and ponder, how did I even get here in the first place? And how do I get out of all this?

Few points which strike me as the answers/solutions–
a)   I am here because I trusted people too easily. I let people in to my life when they had no need or even desire to be there.
b) I gave caution to the winds when talking to people.  Lesson learnt, never be entirely truthful. A white lie never hurts. If someone asks you about your salary, tell a lie. It’s as simple as that!
c) If you ask me a question, rest assured you will get the answer for it and for the next 10 questions that you could have asked. That’s how detailed my answers always were. Now I realize what a fool I had been.
d)  How do I go from here? Do I cut people from my life? Or do I simply just keep myself away from people? Does it help to be invisible?
e) And most importantly, do I really have to care about what people talk about me? Is it enough that my close friends and family know and understand me? Sadly I know the answer to that is a no, because I am very much affected by what others around me think/say/do. It gets to me and sometimes even gets me down.
f)  Last but not the least, learn to be rude to people. I had always wondered why there is a course out there just for saying ‘No’. Ironically, I see the importance now. If I had learnt to just say a stern ‘No’ in the first place, my life could probably have been a bigger ‘YES’ now!

Great, now this is a good start. I know what my mistakes were and I know how I got here. I just need to figure out how to get out of this.

Oh. I am already writing chick flicks. I need to get out of this rut. This is so not me !

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