Tuesday, January 28, 2014


..not of spices.

He called it being practical. I liked to think of it as love. I believed that it would hit him one day. I continued to believe that, even after his daughter was born.

He had told me he couldn't love her. So why do you have children with someone you don't love?

It wasn't love at first sight. It wasn't even love after a thousand sights. But it was definitely a spark. A spark we both carry even today. All these years later. But all I remain in his life still is just a spark.

'When there is no future, there is no point in even trying'. He had told me this years ago when I uttered the marriage word. If there was no future then, how are we still together? in the future...all these years later?

Or was that just a ruse to blind me? to lead me on to believe that I still mattered to him. In spite of having a wife and children and the so called happily married life.

I am not a lover. Never even been called a girlfriend. Not even a friend.

We are a kind. The mistresses. Soul-less and heart-less. Nurtured by life to live without any expectations. To accept just a smile or a touch as a gift. This was not what I would have taken by choice. But this is what life offered me as a choice. His companionship was far too precious for me to give up. It was easier to share it with another person than forgo it altogether. That wasn't my idea either. It's what he decided was best for us.

It was always him making the decisions. He decided I shouldn't be allowed to stop loving him. He decided it was alright for him to be loved by not just me.

A fate I wouldn't wish on anyone I care for.. Mistress.. the kind to be never missed or too kind to be missed?

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