Declutter

You cant live in the past.

because no matter how tightly you hold on

...............its already gone !

The unframed frames

It's only going to sting a little bit and then its all good - said the doctor to me. I believed him. After all, I have always hated getting shots and every bit of consoling helps. But the doctor always lied to me. It stings not just a bit, but a lot. The sight of the blood oozing into the syringe dazes me and I am always left numb and throbbing.

The attorney also told me the same thing - it's going to hurt only a little bit, and it will all be over soon. He was lying too.

It's been so many days, weeks, months now. But the pain hasn't numbed at all. It's not the pain of what is lost. It's the fear of what's in store which hurts. The loneliness, the agony, the humiliation, the clarifications, the explanations - these are what hurts. The few good memories that were there are cast away by the misery which engulfs now.

I have been through this road before, a few years ago. When there was less at stake to lose and the hurt was probably lesser. But little did I know that it would catch up to me so very soon. The psych tells me to keep a journal to lessen my anxiety. My journal, which the world scrutinizes for every aspect of my life. Little does he know that it would only increase my anxiety more. But I decide to venture a risk nevertheless. After all, when all is lost, what's there to fear.

So now, I stand by to pick up the remnants of a life that never was and clear the debris away. The question is not 'Why'. It's 'Why me?'

As I smash the perfect frame which I had gifted myself to put in the perfect picture and watch it crumble to bits, I feel a relief I haven't felt in ages. Letting go was the easy and the wise part. Living on is the scary and difficult truth. It's not a 'You & Me', not a 'We' either. It's simply a plain 'I'.. today and tomorrow.


For the first time in my life, I hunt for a new motto to embrace.

'Smile like you have never cried
Fight like you have never lost
Love like you have never been hurt
Live like there's no tomorrow '..  easier said than done !

The elastic heart

For some weird reason, this had been a title stuck in my head for a very long time and I found it quite catchy. For the past couple of years,I have been toying with the idea of trying to come up with a nice post to go for it. And today I see the irony of it.

Elastic: As per the definition we are all familiar with, isn't it something which goes back to its original state even though it has been contracted, dilated or distorted? Well, Apparently not.


As 2 strangers we met
2 strangers we part.
Some journeys last a lifetime
Some take a lifetime away.
                                        - - - Deepthi

Dreams of the past

It was in the middle of the crowded platform that I first laid my eyes on him. For the first time again, after 10 long years.

Nothing about him had changed. He still wore his hair messy. His T-shirt was still as colorful as the 20 yr old used to wear. His smile still went all the way to his eyes.

I was amazed at how much I could still remember of him, of us, like it was all just yesterday. My heart still skipped a beat, even today.

We had been lovers...still are. We never broke up. We just broke apart.

When the fun filled college romance days got over, we each went our ways to make a place for ourselves in this big world. But we were still in the same town, under the same roof, living as one, until he went abroad for a long term assignment.  Little did we know that the long term was going to be 10 long years. We never said goodbye.

I know what his favorite food is. I know what he looks like waking up in the morning. I love his husky morning voice. I know how he likes his tea - black, 1 spoon sugar with a pinch of ginger in it.I know he doesn't like his ironed shirts to be folded. I know he doesn't throw his socks around.
I know...

The sound of the approaching train woke me up from my reverie and I turned to look at him once more. To make sure that it was indeed him, my first and only love.

He had heard my heartbeat. For the first time in 10 years our eyes met, ever so gingerly. But the flick of recognition in his eyes lasted only a fraction of a second.

We waited till the platform cleared from the crowd of the train which had just arrived.

With bated breath, I waited for him to make the first move. He did.

He walked towards me... with his 3 year old son holding onto his arms and his beautiful wife by his side.

'It's a big surprise running into you here. How are you? It's been so long'

I knew there was no going back, even if it only meant turning the time machine 10 years behind.With this realization dawning on me, I had only one response to offer to his friendly reintroduction.

'Pardon me, but do I know you? Have we met before?'

And that is how we broke up..10 years after we broke apart.

You & I

It's just a silver ring, I say.
Yes, but it's what you got me, he tells me.

Why don't you go out for a walk?
I rather spend that time here with you.

You look dumb with your hair so short.
But you hate my messy hair when I let it grow.

Why do you always want to hold my hands?
Because your's fit perfectly into mine.

Why can't you cook for a change?
Because you are the best cook I have ever seen.

You are a terrible kisser.
I have kissed only you.

Will you ever leave me and go?
Yes, If you find someone who can love you more than I do.

I have been talking only about you, Don't you want to ask me anything back?
I have also been talking only about you. All my replies have 'you' in it.

Why is it always a choice of either giving 'up' or giving 'in'?
Have you considered giving 'back'?

Just a day older..not so wiser !

This is probably the first post, I am not going to be putting up in my social networking site and shout out about. No harm in doing that, or so I thought. But then, apparently we are at an age where even disclaimers are never understood !

My writings are not always about me. Some of them are, some aren't. 

My writings aren't always true. Some may have happened, some may probably be the way I had hoped it would happen and some are probably what I hope will happen.  

But sharing these thoughts in an open forum made me the center of scrutiny in every aspect of my life. I want to spare myself that agony. I love writing, but I hate the fact that people use it to judge me.

Go on. Judge me if you so want to. I take the bliss in knowing that me and only me knows the truth (or hidden lies) in every word in my posts ! That is a good feeling and I don't mind enjoying it for a while.

And thus I embark onto today's post and my first one for this year. 

My inspiration for this post: Solitude! 

The only birthday I have spent in absolute solitude, confined to the 4 walls of my house. It's not that I dint try. I feel enlightened. It gave me a lot of 'Me' time.

If you ask me how I wanted this day to be. I would have loved to be woken up by  Hobbes barking and licking away my face. Be dragged out of bed by amma and make an early morning visit to the temple. Be swamped by flowers and gifts by near and loved ones. Cut a cake lighted up by 29 glowing candles. Blow them out with one swift gush of breath and pray out my heart's biggest wish. Have everyone sing out the 'Happy birthday' song. Go out for an outstanding dinner treat with my friends. Fun, laughter, teases, friendly punches. It would have been a day to remember, like all my other birthdays.

And how did this day turn to be..well that's a memory I take to the end.

I guess I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, hoping for the wrong people to do the right things or the right people to do... anything... maybe !

This is going to be a post I am going to regret when I wake up tomorrow morning.  But I am not letting this one come down. Certainly not one of my best work at all, but someday I can sit and think as to how much of what I wrote here was true or wasn't true ! Spending a birthday alone can crack anyone up I guess and a birthday spent with no cakes, flowers or gifts, well ... ... Happy birthday to me ! I just hope turning 30 wouldn't be so uneventful ! The last year I get to say 'In my twenties'..toast away !

It rained in my heart

Yet another day 

And more lies.

I believe you

And you are all smiles.

A fool in love

I am not.

Trust in love

is what I was taught.

You are happy

you fooled me again.

Just to keep you happy

I act the fool again.

Twelve minutes to Twelve

I am always in hurry. Today was no different either. Leaving for work on time in the mornings can be a huge challenge for me. And invariably it still means I end up at least 10 minutes late too. But today was destined to be different and I had no idea about that when I woke up.Oh! except maybe for the date 12.12.12, the last one of its kind in this century!

As was routine, while rushing out of the apartment, the lighted oil lamp is always the last thing which usually catches my attention and I end up running all the way back in just to put it out and then rush out again.

Well, if superstitions are to be believed, getting back in after leaving your house in the morning is considered to bring ill luck, which would mean that I am knowingly bringing in ill luck everyday. But I don't believe in that and so far I have had nothing to complain about how my days have ever been.

Like I said, today was no different. The door was just about to be shut and that's when I noticed the slight yellow glow still blinking in the otherwise dark room and I curse myself for forgetting it again and run back in. As was habit, I try to put it out with a swift flick of my palm.

Usually, one swift flick and its done. I don't bother to give a second look.I mumble a small apology to the entire bulk of gods seated there and run out grabbing my heavy bag. Today, however, the one swift flick resounded in a loud thud metallic sound and the next thing I know, I have a half broken lamp lying near my feet with the hot oil spilled in a random fashion on the floor below, the carpet and the wall next to it. The lamp has been put out, but this was not how I had intended it to.

My heart skipped a beat and something in my head kept on  saying 'this has to definitely mean something bad'. I was still late and I run out to get into my car. All the while on my drive to work, I expected to be run down by someone or something ! Reached work safe and sound.

So I guess the bad luck wasn't on me after all.  But I still had to be sure. I called up every single person in every corner of the world who held a place in my heart. For every missed call, my heart skipped a beat again. But when the text sound beeped in my mobile, I breathed in relief again. So that was not it either.

I checked my emails every half hour to make sure I was still employed. That was going good too.

I never usually disturb him while we are at work, but today I just had to make sure. So I kept calling him way too often and he was very patient about it too.

Finally when I did reach back home, I looked over and promised them a new lamp very soon and told them not to try any more new tricks this time ! I was pretty sure they got the idea. Relieved I hit the sack and slept like a baby.

The pang of hunger woke me up around 11:30 PM and I wake up not too happy that there's still half an hour left to go of this bad luck day. But I console myself. After-all what could possibly go wrong in just half an hour.

After fixing myself a nice quick dinner, I come to turn on my laptop.

1 unread email. From him. I wonder why he emails. Usually it's a call or a text. I open it.

Hi,

I hope you are not too surprised by this email. But I just dint have the courage to tell this to you on call. Hence the email. 

Well, the big news is I am getting married and yes, its not to you. I am sorry, but you know how it is. Family,age ,religion and social circle. I wish I had a better answer for you. She is very nice too. Dint get to spend too much time with her yet, but I have an entire lifetime to do that now. 

You are great too, but its just not us. I hope you understand.Thanks for everything.

Love,
X

And I look at the time, 12 minutes to 12 on 12/12/12, the last one of it's kind in this century.

So this day was special and superstitions are true too...

See Paris for me...

I turned back to give one last look at the magnificient lighted up Eiffel tower in front of me and I could feel the beauty of it spell bound me again. I was finding it hard to fight back and pull myself away from its overwhelming aura. My teary eyes made it impossible to keep looking at it for long.

I was here to live a dream. And it's now no longer in the bucket list. Time for me to drag my bags and head away.

I pulled out the faded crumpled paper and that was the last check in it. Last destination - crossed and complete. End of a lifetime's dream.

' So you promise to marry me ? '. The 18 year old me was excited and bubbly.

'Yes My dear. Absolutely'. He had replied.

'I want to tour the world. Do you promise to take me? I want to see Paris, Italy, sit in the gondola in Venice, ski in Switzerland, have waffles in Belgium, stuff myself with donuts and cheesecake from USA, pluck a maple leaf in Toronto and honeymoon in Seychelles. Can you do all this for me'?

At that age, these were what appealed to me about marriage.

Without the slightest hesitation, he promised me every single thing I wanted. A roof over my head, a hand to hold when we walked, a hug to cheer me up,a good night kiss every night, a house bustling with family and friends.. he promised me my every wish.

In return, I assured him to be the ideal wife, daughter-in-law and a mother anyone would be proud of.

And then we grew up.....

....Or maybe just he did.

Cause I still hung onto the promises made to me when I was 18.

At long last, when we did finally tie the knot, I waited for him to surprise me and start living the dream built over the years.

I waited for years for the Seychelles honeymoon he promised.

My extended hands were left unheld, until at last they decided to stay where they were to, by my side, hanging listless and unheld.

The good night kisses I blew out into the darkness remained haunting.

Paris, Italy and the gondola's in Venice remained cut-out's from magazines in my albums.

Now at 62, when I finally made it to my honeymoon, I refused to let my spirits die cause I was travelling alone and had lived alone. I had made it. So what if there was no husband to capture my photographs while I lived my every dream. The memories were imprinted in my memory for ever.

I wasnt a bride without a honeymoon. I was the bride who lived her honeymoon 34 years after her wedding.... by herself.

After all, somebody had to listen to my heart. She had whispered 'See paris for me...'

A walk past midnight

The unrelenting rain crashed on the car creating a bigger thunderous effect than it actually was. The FM was playing some random music which I could in no way relate to but was still finding solace in.

The cab was full.. with an assorted mix of people from different background, different lives but doing the same work. Now heading back to their warm homes after a hard day's work. I tried reading into their minds. Some looking forward to sharing the day's mishaps with the dear ones waiting back home. Or to just reach home and top off the day with a neat whisky or maybe to follow some random updates on facebook.. but every face did speak a plan. Some hope. Something to look forward. I avoided the mirror. I knew what was in store for me and I dint need a second look to affirm to it for me.

My colleague's phone buzzed. Ecstatic, she picks the phone and whispers 'Yes baby. Will be home in 20 minutes. yes I will text you'. I look at her. she studies my quizzical look for a minute and then explains to me as to how her husband gets worried each time she is out on the night shift. How he thinks the night time isnt safe for his perfect angel. I smile. She smiles too. She takes out her phone again and as promised, texts him of our cab's location.

I decided to be brave too and venture a risk. I take out my phone and compose a text. Nothing big. Just a small two letter word. A 'Hi'. I choose his number and click on send.

Crazy instinct I must admit, but it's been an action I always regret. Each time.Every single time. As soon as it has been done. This time was no different either. I should have known better than to have been stupid. Again.

I tried racking my brains to think of one person in this whole world who would be worried if I was to inform that I was out, at night, all by myself. Would it matter to you that I was out this late?

One sure bet was my parents. But then hey, I guess I have already given them enough headache as it is. The last thing I would want them to do is sit up late at night worrying about my return. But then it was definitely a consolation to know that there are still a few extended hands to fall back into.

But you know what I mean, dont you. That's not what I was talking about. That's not the concern I am concerned about here. Day after day, when I travel back in the wee hours and the entire world is silent and where there are worried husbands, love struck boyfriends or even a attempting to be a boyfriend calling up each and every single number in my cab, I cannot help but think, where did i go wrong?

Why is there a wrong notion that I am independent? Which aspect of me shouts out to people to leave me alone. Why do I not get to be someone's princess, someone's delicate angel, someone's hearing post who gets to hear sweet nothings whispered all day and all night long? I would love to cuddle and sleep. Spoon me all night long and put me to sleep. Sing a song in my ear and wake me up in the morning. Treat me to a bar of chocolate or a bunch of flowers. Surprise me with a gift. Take me out to a park or a beach or a movie or even to your friend's party. Share the space in my couch with me, watch a noon show on tv with me, share a few laughs with me..

The blaring honking of the car jerked me out of my dream world and I look around. Our cab's been hit. Talk about everything which can go wrong and apparently it does!

A very apologetic driver turns to us and tells us that we have to find our own means to get back. Out comes all mobile phones again. The frantic better halves are already on their way to pick up their dear ones and get them transported home... away in safety.

It's 2AM. I still sit by the pavement on the road and watch as each and every single one in the cab are received by welcoming extended arms. The last one to leave, looks back at me and questions very gingerly 'Are you sure there's absolutely no one to pick you up? We could have given you a lift, but we are headed the other way you know. Really sorry'.

I give her my most charming smile and tell her that its absolutely fine. She has no idea that I am already used to this. Used to this feeling of not having expectations, of not having the right to dream and of not having a tomorrow to look forward to.

Solitude is an infection. It's gotten to me and I know its not easy to get rid of. Bear it and move on. That's the remedy my shrink suggested.

I decided to do what I always do best. Make the worst choice and hope that its for the best. I start walking to my house. It's still raining and its still past 2AM, but I know there is no one up and awake waiting to hear of my safe arrival at an empty house with an empty bed.

I wake up to the sound of an incoming text message next afternoon. 'Mobile was silent.Saw your text now'.......