Put Together

 How I detest that phrase - Put together! 

Of the many nicknames I had decades ago, my favorite was 'Scent'. I was called 'scent'. Referred to in conversations as 'scent'. And I cherished it. Because it was a non-negotiable part of me - smell good every second of every day. I splurged recklessly on luxury perfumes (My weakness then and now). But those were also the days, I never stepped out of the room without kohl lining my eyes, hair brushed till it was shining, and clothes so neatly ironed and starched.

Fast forward years later, dealing with a third-time postpartum body and an absolutely blank mind, I suck at being 'Put together'. I run errands in my pajamas and would rather spend the 5 minutes before stepping out praying that I run into absolutely no one I know! I love the harsh winters for that reason; cover-ups are easy. 

Hate pool season

Hate having to run into school for voluntary sessions

Hate cookie season, where social interactions are mandatory

If it is not a car drop-off or pick-up, I am not thrilled about doing it

Parties and social obligations cripple my mind and body both! - I despair before each event, crying about how nothing I own fits me or looks good on me. 

For someone who spent hours in every store and street in Bangalore, shopping till I dropped dead, I cannot even bring myself to shop online nowadays. It gives me no joy. On the contrary, it sends me into dejection.

I loved heels (still do). I have walked hours on end in the most absolutely painful stilettos and carried them with much grace and charm. Now, I cannot even bring myself to get out of my fuzzy, woozy flat slipper. Not that, I don't love my heels anymore. My mind chooses to discourage me. It decides to lecture me on the crippling back pain that I might endure if I embark on the adventurous stilettos journey.

It is not just about what I wear or how I look, it is also about who I was Vs who I have become. I used to fold my neatly ironed clothes and organize them by color. Now I am relieved if I can pull one clean outfit straight out of the dryer. 

Personal belongings were never strewn about. There was a place for everything - Keys, pens, books (Oh! tons of them), cosmetics. Watches are arranged neatly in clear boxes, so I have all my options laid out. Now, I hop over strewn magnatiles and Lego bricks. Or broken pieces of cars and trucks. Or hunt for the stench coming from the laundry from two days ago, which one of my kids decided to hide under the couch because she was too lazy to get up and put it away. 

There is no meal planning. There is just 'stuffing your mouth with whatever you can get your hands on before you dash out'.

My day starts at 4AM every single day and ends at 11PM (if I am lucky!). My favorite and honestly, the only time of the day I really put myself into - my gym session from 5AM to 6AM. If I am not in the gym at that time, it is probably because I am dead.

And yet, I am never 'Put together' in the real sense. I am just 'survival' disguised as a parent. 

Would I trade any of this craziness for anything in this world - Absolutely not. I take my role as a parent so very seriously that sometimes I scare myself to see who I have become. But I do hope that one day, at least one of my three offspring can look me in the eye and tell me that I was good at this. Despite not looking good or smelling good, while killing myself to be the best mom around! I think I know who that's going to be, but I still have hope for the other two as well.. Only time will tell..!

Signed,

A tired mom!

Front Row Seats

 "Never give someone the privilege of the front row seats to your life, unless you know they are here to cheer for you."

Hiatus much? Safely so. Boy! It feels good to be back. Ah no... I have several drafts on my page that I couldn't complete. I certainly hope this one sees the light of day. But it sure feels surreal to be here typing out the random ramblings coming out of my head. It's like.. I don't recognize this person anymore..

The last time I wrote a post here, I frantically searched Google for synonyms and acronyms to make my writing look more polished. And today, almost a decade later, all I have to do is prompt ChatGPT to summarize my life/day based on all the questions I have been throwing at it. And it does a phenomenal job, too. I feel small in comparison.

Which also reminds me, the last time I was here, I was a broken piece of a human being. 

Long story short. I gave in to marriage (arranged marriage!) even when I was too terrified to. And I birthed the three most amazing tiny humans in the one decade that I allowed myself to trust. 

I spent my teenage years living in the shadows. 

I spent my twenties chasing after the wrong things and misplaced priorities. Honestly, the second half of my twenties was mostly blackout periods, rebellion (so much rebellion!), and self-loathing. The only thing I missed was carrying out the Goth look and getting my face tattooed. 

My thirties were entirely about self-reflection, rediscovery, and learning to trust again. 

Well, now, finally in my early forties, I gladly say - 'I do not give a flying f*ck!'

No, really, I mean it. I have always been an introvert. Happiest in my own company. A book, my drink, and a nice place to curl up, that's literally all I need. I hate small talk. I get drained in social gatherings. My tolerance for dealing with overbearing personalities has been zero or less. So, my social circle is still very, very small. But when you have three extrovert kids, I guess that is all the socializing that introvert parents can handle!

But the one aspect, I still miss - My random ramblings here. My love for the unknown and the mysterious. A decade ago, I would have rambled on about the passionate love (or lack of) and the overwhelming emotions I was bubbling with. But today, my conversations in my head are about which class the kids need to be scheduled for or which one needs a doctor appointment or when was the last time I did the laundry.. well you get my drift.

So it is no surprise to me that when my oldest saw a decade-old picture of me, She was genuinely surprised and said - That's you? You looked so pretty - Whatever happened to you since that picture was taken?'. Not my best parenting moment - but my answer to her was - 'Well, I got married, got pregnant and here I am, three kids later'. Understandably, it offended her, because hey! nobody wants to be told you are the reason someone looks unattractive..so I had to jump into damage control.. that's been going on for three days now.. Kids.. I tell you..they may forgive but they never forget!

At this point, I highly contemplated sharing my blog with her. So she gets to see her mom before she was a 'mom'. At the risk of sounding very vain, I had quite the fan following back then. I was an introvert then and now, but if I had dared to respond to some of the proposals I got back then, I would have dated some really famous names lol! But no, me being me, stayed in my shell and allowed myself to believe that I wasn't as beautiful as they claimed me to be. Dang it! I would kill to go back to that day and knock some sense into my younger self! If only, someone had warned me what getting older feels like, I would have enjoyed being young and reckless. Maybe even loved it!

Anyways, I need to make myself get back on here and rant. Cause I miss it. And sometimes, the chaos in my head, only my blog can handle. Maybe, even vent about the butterflies in my stomach.