Your She.

If only, you spoke to me, 

like you talked to her.

If only, you looked at me,

the way you looked at her.

If only, you could feel for me,

what you felt for her.
If only, you cared for me,
the way you cared about her.

If only, you understood that
 you mean to me,

what she means to you.

If only.......

 I was her
And you were me.

From rock bottom to (almost) rocking !

Every Sunday afternoons, at exactly 11 AM, my mobile beeps to indicate an incoming text message. This has been a routine for the last 16 months. Ever since I started an account with Ulster bank, Dublin. I had opted to receive weekly reminder on my account balance. Today was no different either. It's like an alarm for me. I woke up and since I had nothing better to read, I decided to check out the message.

Jesus 'Freaking' Christ !!! I am down by 675 euros from last Sunday. It's not even the 1'st yet. My rent isn't due until the 7th. And when I convert it into rupees, it's roughly 52,000 rs !

I couldn't be more awake now. What the hell happened to my money? I was pretty sure I am being robbed. I scroll to read my last week's balance and the week's before and the week before. That's when I noticed the pattern. On an average, it was going down by at least a 150 euros every week. Now I was more than sure that some smart-ass is swindling me. Fuming mad, I open the browser and I click on my last monthly statement.

Lo and behold ! Turns out that smart-ass swindler was none other than yours truly ! Or maybe a hidden personality in me I wasn't aware of. And where was all this money going every week? Pizza, pizza and more pizza and more food and a couple of departmental store purchases.

Now I am dazed. I had been cribbing the entire time of my hectic work schedule and how in the world did I find the time to do all this shopping and good lord.. Pizza? The largest, most extravagant pizza, always ordered with over 2 side servings (Did I mention I love the garlic bread?) and 2 cans of coke (not even diet)!
And that's when I found the culprit. 2 websites amazon.com and justeat.ie. There were even days when I had food delivery to my apartment 3 times a day and as if that was not enough, I purchased a pair of shoes too (I can't even recall if it was delivered or not).

I jumped off the bed and rushed to do what any other girl would have done. Hopped on to the digital weighing machine I had hidden in the bathroom. It's been a good 3 or 4 months since I checked my weight, but I did have a rough estimate of what I had weighed then. Today, when the digital display refused to stop even after crossing an excess of almost 18 kg from the last measurement, I didn't wait to see the final number. I turned away and jumped off...to have a look at myself in the mirror.

Here I am, nearly 20 kg (I was overweight earlier, so now I am pretty sure I have touched the obese mark), with a near empty bank balance and oh my god... is that a jalapeno stuck on my hair?

The million dollar question - How in the world did I get here???

Does a broken marriage do this to everybody or am I the only one?

And for the life of me, I couldn't remember the last time I actually stepped out of my building. I know I am still employed and working, but did I go to office at all? I check my outlook and yes, I was right. I haven't been to my office for the last 2 weeks at least.

So I did a retrace. I was back in Dublin from India on the 4th of May 2013 and today was was the 26th of May, exactly 3 weeks later. During this entire time, I haven't been to work, I haven't stepped out, my house is cluttered with boxes of pizza and take out containers, I have been stuck in my sweatpants (apparently the only ones which fit me) for god knows how long, despite all these, still miraculously touching bankruptcy and stuck with a jalapeno on my hair ! I am pretty sure this was rock bottom for me.

It's been over a month today since this really tragic realization hit me. I haven't shed the many extra pounds I had put on nor did my account gain the euros drastically either. But I do know for a fact I am no longer going downhill.
- I wake up everyday and force myself to go to work at least 3 days in a week. I take 1 day in between 2 consecutive days to prep myself for going out the next day.
- I make it a point to cook my own food, even if it is something as simple as a bread toast or as extravagant (!) as rice/sambar.
- For the first time, after many many months, I spent close to 2 hours in a saloon, getting my hair and eyebrows done. I even threw in a few extra cash to pamper myself with a much needed massage. Certainly money well spent.
- Since I no longer fit into any of my old clothes, I went out and got myself a few decent ones which doesn't make me look like the big fat pig that I am.
- Apparently, another undesirable side effect of putting on too much weight too fast, I have a face covered with zits and acne's. So I splurged a bit in getting some good concealers and foundation creams.
- I googled very earnestly to find out how Kareena got her size zero figure and even though I am not diligently following it word by word, I try to do it maybe once in 4 days. I hope I can be presentable in probably the next 6 months to come (most optimistically).

I couldn't have done all this without the help of my family and the few dear friends who popped in once in a while, on phone or email, to check on me. I am not proud of what has happened. Nor am I thrilled to be where I am today. I don't expect to be scooped up by a knight in shining silver armor anymore. But I certainly want to live my life with a smile on my face and feeling good about being alive.  I needed some time off from everything and everyone, to deal with my emotions and to assess where I stand and where I go from here. I did that and now I am back on my feet, pretty much to being the girl I was, almost 8 years ago. Before any of this came into my life. Much calmer, much saner.

What's worse than being 29 and single you ask me? It's being 29 and divorced. But I know I can deal with it. And I intend to do it on my own. I had been going around in circles with a zillion questions on my head about many many things and phases I had been through (likely to be another of my post soon), but I had never had this much clarity as I feel today. Nor the peace of mind. Nor the wonderful feeling of rebuilding hope again.

And last but never the least, I found solace in something more ultimate, the supreme power. I was never an atheist, but today I am a firm believer. I am not a religious fanatic, but I make it a point to light the lamp at least one time in a day. To see the holy glow light up the faces of the many gods I have assembled on a small side table gives me such a sense of relief, I am terribly ashamed that it took me all these years and so many experiences to get me here, but I am glad it's better late than never.

Since I have been so candidly honest in my entire post, there's another point that should not be missed. Yes, I do miss not having the physical presence of a close someone around. Someone who would hold my hand when I walk down the beautiful streets of Dublin. Someone to tell me if the dress I picked looks good on me. Someone to just sit down and share a cup of coffee with. And by this someone, I don't mean a boyfriend or lover, but I need a friend around. As thankful as I am for the wonderful people who have been around to help me while I was down, the irony is the fact that every single one of these people are miles and oceans apart, with lives of their own to deal with. It's just a feeling I get, but maybe my way up would have been much quicker, if there was one friend around here to hold my hand while I was getting up. Walking back in to an empty apartment is not a cake walk everyday. But again, that's a thing of the past too :). I have learnt to be happy with myself [no pun intended ;) ] and I am totally loving this new found sense of freedom, seeing the bright side of life and feeling bright and cheerful again.

A thing of the past is a thing of the past. I don't regret it. I am glad for it, but I am more glad now ! Forgive and forget. A lesson learnt for life. I look forward to bright sunny days ahead. Period.

Something I really like

After many years, I came across this bit of shayari again and I just couldn't resist sharing it here.

Main aur meri tanhai
Aksar ye batein karte hain
Tum hoti to kaisa hota
tu yeh kahti, tum woh kahti
Tum is baat pe hairan hoti
tum us baat pe kitni hasti
tum hoti to aisa hota, tum hoti to waisa hota
Main aur meri tanhai ,aksar yeh baten karte hain

For you...anytime, everytime.

In the almost pitch dark and the loud blaring music, I could barely hear what you were trying to speak to me. But when your arms swept across to my waist and got me closer , face to face, I din't feel the need to hear any words. So close enough that your warm breath on my face felt like a sweet whisper. It was the briefest embrace I have ever been in, but that one moment felt like an eternity. Your warm lips on mine and I could feel the very essence of being in love. Was this it? Was this how being in love felt like?

My head reeled.

It was a mad rush to get home and just be in each other's arms. As soon as possible. The chilling cold winds, the loud hoots at 3AM from the drunk youngsters on the roads did nothing to slow our hurried paces. We fumbled with the lock and somehow made it inside the house. And then we made love. Not once, Not twice. Till it was dawn and you had to leave. Your fingers don't fumble when you open my clothes, but I pretend your expertise doesn't bother me. Never before had being in love or making love felt so right. Never before did I ever want the sun to not rise in the horizon.

But, were we in love?

For you, I was just a celebration of your vanity. Your love was elsewhere. We made love. And you spoke to her, at every interval you got. Called her up to ask her how she’s doing, what she had for breakfast, whether she made it to work on time. Called her every day to tell her how you are doing. What you did in your day.

Of course there was no mention of me ever.

We never spoke. I might have just as well been yet another pillow in the bed. What I assumed started off as a wonderful beginning to love, became nothing more than a routine.

I wanted the conversations. I wanted to know what you are thinking about.

Did the food taste good? Do you think I looked pretty? Do I look good my hair let loose? I had no answers. I still don't know.

I waited for that one day when you might see what you mean to me. What being in love means. But to you, love was her. Conversation was her. Thoughts were her. 

You had your share of pain too, I know.  She was married to somebody else.  But you loved her too much to let her go. You cared enough about her to lie to me about it. But I didn't need to hear you say it, I know your heart and I know it beats for her. And only her. Behind every single lie you told me, I knew the truth. I still listened, because you were talking to me. Even though it was about her.

Yet, the wait was wonderful.

Was I the fool to believe that someday you would fall in love with me? Was it blind trust that I had in you to not see what my heart already knew?

It’s been so many days now. Do you miss me? I yearn to know.

I don’t wait to hear you say ‘I love you’. I have long given up hope of ever hearing it. But I want to know if you miss me. We had shared so much.  I wait to hear that it meant something to you. That I meant something to you.

And oh, happy anniversary. Our first year together.

I was too blind to see that you were too deaf to hear me.

Signed,
Love