The shortcut truth

So many men think that women need money, car and gifts.

But the right woman wants a man's time, effort, passion, honesty, loyalty and smile. 

Life can just be so much easier and better. And happier!

There is no better friend than a sister.......

Sister - The best friend god gifts us even before we have a chance to ask for one.

That is how you came into my life. Without my asking.
And that is how you made all the difference in my life.

I don't have memories of you teaching me to ride a bicycle or having pillow fights.
I don't remember us making plans for a lazy weekend afternoon or discussing what clothes to exchange.
You didn't teach me to make my hair or do my makeup.
We never discussed our favorite authors or heroes.
Mom didn't teach us her secret recipes.
We didn't share fancy stilettos or branded jeans.
You didn't teach me how to paint my nails in bright colors.
We didn't hold dreamcatchers over the beds or enjoy ice-creams at midnight.

You weren't around for any of that.

But you were there when I got my life smashed the first time around. You held me while I let the tears flow uncontrollably. You gave me the strength to get back on my feet and move on. To let the past behind me and to look forward to a future. You made me believe that there are still good people out there in the world - Good people who can see and understand pain. Good people who are not out to take a broken person and break her more.

But most importantly you taught me to believe in myself. To know that no matter what happened, it is not a reflection of my personality or character.

You made me strong to say what I believe and do what I say. You inspired me to have a roof over my head and the ground beneath my feet. You made me believe that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. That my dreams will get wings again.

You with your fancy musings - 'Experiences are the best lessons you can gift yourself. Learn and move on. If you don't find the right person, at least you will have figured out who is wrong for you'.

And now I come to you - Broken for the second time. Can you heal me again? My dear sister - Say you can heal me again. Just this one last time. Once more.

Because I stand in front of you with your worst fear. Unlike the first time, I don't hate just the world now. I hate myself now. I hate myself for letting my guard down. For letting trust take over me. Over my better sense which should have prevailed. For having been a fool again. A fool to just be tread over. A fool to be silenced again.

You with your fancy musings again - 'Once was a mistake. Twice is stupidity'.

You refused to let go of my hand. Again. But this time you did it with an uncertainty which scared me even more. You didn't shell out any optimism. You merely listened. You didn't even shed a tear. And I couldn't stop mine.

For all the things I don't remember, I do remember how you always cried with me even when I tried to be brave.

To not see you do that now breaks my heart more. Have I failed you more than you fathomed?

Your still cold hands in my palms drains every ounce of my life out of me. Who is going to heal me now?

My need to be held overwhelms me. One last time. By you. To have you tell me that I will tide over this too. And maybe we can finally get around to getting these men out of our lives and start over our childhood again. To make all those memories we didn't have.

But you just lay there. Draped from neck to toe in the color you detested much. White.
I know you are not liking it there. This I know about you.

God didn't ask me before sending you to me. And now, he didn't ask me before taking you away from me either - When I needed you the most.

I cannot wait to see you again. On the other side. Soon.

A triple shot latte

' Tall, triple shot, decaf, non fat please'

This is a far cry from the lost girl who stood to order a coffee in the wee hours at a busy airport. Four years ago.

Four years that not only taught me how to order my perfect coffee, but presented me with many more valuable lessons in life. Lessons I wouldn't have even read about had I not mustered the courage to pack my bags and leave the familiar for the unknown. A step I dreaded much then, but cannot stop swelling with pride each time I think of now.

That is how it features to be an entry in my blog. Long due. And definitely a long post. :-)

I am not a traveller or a tourist. And so, a travelogue is not something I was ever prepared to write.

For someone whose world did not extend beyond the four walls of my parents home till I graduated, I was very apprehensive when I had to finally move out to establish a career. But I always had the consolation of knowing that there were still familiar faces around. The sights were not too different, the food was only a tad less spicier, the people's dialect didn't leave me racking my brains to figure most of what I heard to my imagination. I was never ever truly alone. But when my work life offered me a glimpse of the 'other side of the planet', I braved the move, against much trepidation. And that is how I realized what being alone and 'on my own' actually means. Surviving on your own is a feat unachieved, unless you do it. I am not a veteran on it, but I am certainly not the same lost soul now.

Filing for taxes in 3 different countries in the same year? - I can be your new consultant.

Need help changing your tyres - I am quite the expert now. Been stranded on freeways and motorways after flats and accidents. Right from fixing up your flat tyre

Chasing a rogue down the street for breaking into your car and stealing two of your brand new expensive sunglasses and plenty of spare change - I haven't got the glasses back, but I certainly learnt to never ever keep anything in the car anymore! And the run of my life too.

Drive a moving truck and assemble/take apart your IKEA furniture - I am definitely the veteran

Stranded home because of a hurricane? No gas, no water and no food? - I can be your life hacker. After braving Hurricane Sandy, stranded with a power outage for a week. Nobody was around to warn me of the oncoming hurricane or to stock the food! I was awoken one fine morning to the shrill siren and just figured out I have to survive a hurricane!


 I have seen them all, or rather most of it - Jumped with glee at the first sight of snow atop Mt.Pilatus in Switzerland, held on for dear life in the steepest cable car ride from down there, nearly froze to death in Lucerne, indulged (with no regret) in the waffles at Belgium, felt my heart shatter to bits at seeing only a cluster of trees at the Black forest in Germany (I was expecting to literally see a fairytale land made wholly of the black forest cake!),  stood enchanted by the palaces in Vienna and Heidelberg.

For a person who cannot ever make it on time even for a doctor's appointment, I was amazed at myself for the amount of detailed planning and organizing I managed to do in my first ever international travel.

I survived it all. And I even survived enough to have a blog post on it!

Maya

Maya - An illusion. That which makes you believe that the nonexistent exists. That which gives a reason to dream. A chance to feel happy. Liberated. To open up. To share.

She was maya - the enchanted and the enchanting. She believed the illusion could lead her from the ugly to the beautiful. And she believed and believed. Blindly. Until the ugly turned uglier. And uglier.

The beautiful was never there. It was never promised. It was just a ruse to lead the blind. And maya, the blind, followed. Led on by the illusion.

... Until
Maya was no longer an illusion. Maya was the devastating truth. And devastated.
Maya was not selfless. Maya was the selfish. Unquestioned and unanswered.
Maya was the failure.
Maya was never an illusion. Maya was never meant to be.
Only Maya hadn't known it.
Maya was truth denied. Maya was conscience hidden.
Maya was a facade.

Maya was just a name. Not even a face.
Maya was just a body. Not even a heart.

*Photo courtesy - Google.

Disappeared only to reappear

Apparently disclaimers are not doing their job these days! Every so often when my writings are held against me in my real life, I go tired of iterating and re-iterating that I am not jotting my everyday life in here.

No I am not the love struck paris kind of girl who walked hand in hand with someone. Nor am I the girl in the blue shirt waiting for the arrival of someone from across the oceans. Yes, I am the one who wakes up to sonic memories and so much more. No, I do not go on dates and fuss on the food. Yes, I celebrated my 30th birthday all alone. No, I did not have a young widow as a neighbor growing up and the nonexistent friend did not inspire me. No, I do not have a 4 year old son Aditya.

I just happened to have a hard-to-give-up love for writing and an odd enough crazy imagination to go with it. What I lack is the hard-to-attain 'I don't care' attitude to throw a deaf ear to all these baseless accusations I get my way because of what I write here. Especially when it plays a major role in wrecking lives, when I am evaluated based on my musings here. When people assume they know the real me because of what is here. When even words spoken faithfully are weighed against typed phrases in my blog. When I am denied a life because my blog speaks a different story. Because a woman who voices so openly cannot make a good home or be a good role model? And not to mention a lot more...

Anita Nair is my current author craze. I have read and re-read all her books. My favorite remains 'Mistress'. But each time I read the book, I don't see Ms. Anita Nair in the words. I see only Radha. And Shyam. And Chris. And Koman. I don't judge the author or her personal life based on the stories she writes. They are just mere people she gave birth to. And I have the ability to distinguish between the two. Her real life and her life of words.

Admitted, a blog isn't as sensational as a book. But authors are no different, whether they publish a book or a blog. We share a hard to resist passion for words. So next time you feel the urge to judge a book by it's covers or an author by their words, DON'T. For all you know, they might just be your ordinary-next-door-struggling-to-cope-everyday person.

It is a tough fight to not give up on the one thing you love so much in life and yet, to face the music which ruins everything else in your life because of it. 

Au Revoir

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.

Snow ring

She adorned the perfect white.
Crystal clear and white.
With millions of sparkling diamonds
carelessly flung all across.
She glistened brilliantly in the sun
Like nothing could shine brighter.
She shone brightly even at night.
The moon shone off her, too perfectly.

I watched her for days together.
Envied her for all the beauty.
But envied her mostly for the brilliance.
And when I thought she was looking no longer
I stole a handful of the shining gems
and wore them on my finger.

It felt cold.
Freezing in-fact.
But I finally got my diamond ring.

Take a step; By my side

For every step I take towards you
You take two away from me.
Every step I get closer to you
You go further from me.

If a game is what we are
Why am I always the pawn?
If 2 sides of a coin we are
Why am I the furthest one?

For all the things that we had been
For all the times that we should have seen
For all the plans that we should have made
For all the promises that we should have kept

For all the talks that we should have had
For every bit of you and every bit of me
For I see you today
I see you tomorrow

For ever then
For ever now
For when we were
For when we are

Awareness

Your perception of me is a reflection of you; my reaction to you is an awareness of me.

Addicted to life

My favorite lines from a recent addiction.

Think of all the roads

Think of all their crossings.

Taking steps is easy

Standing still is hard.

Remember all their faces

Remember all their voices.

Every thing is different

Second time around.

                                - Regina Spektor

Couldn't help pondering over the truth in these lines. I have always been amazed at how most of the songs or music we listen to can easily be related to a certain phase of our life (Most often - The present!). Is it just an uncanny coincidence or an irrational association with those brain cells working overtime? Either case, I am not interested in the logic in this phenomena, rather I choose to feel consoled in knowing that somebody else at some point of time went through the same phase and had better words to describe it. 

Indeed, two is company !

Happy anniversary !

I  was never the big dreamer. The perpetual dreamer – Yes. But never the big dreamer. My expectations in life had always been minimalistic and to be honest, very realistic too. All I had ever wanted was to settle down with a man who would be kind and understanding, capable of keeping a conversation going and put up with my nonsensical outbursts when I try to show off my apparent knowledge. Have a family, throw in a couple of kids and a dog, good food, an overseas vacation once a year, some ‘Me’ time for my reading and writing - My life was set. That is all I had wanted all along. How unachievable is that?

My first year of being technically single, after almost 10 years of being in a single focus, committed relationship – Not at all liberating! In fact, it was the most strenuous and difficult year I have had to endure in my lifetime till date. It was like I had forgotten how to live with myself.

I hit every low point in the curve. Terrible emotional instability, ready to let tears flow at the drop of a hat, regular and too frequent outbursts of anger, learning to un -memorize days, dates and phone numbers, the usual drama of deleting and revising people on my social profiles, trying to be the sane and composed professional at work, oscillating faster than a pendulum in most decision making ventures, being extremely unsocial and cutting out from everyone and everything only to feel the need to be highly social the very next day and expect to be accepted as nothing was amiss just until a day ago, coping with repeated rejections repeatedly, trying to overcome the absurdity of being sure that the next person who comes along will be the key to my happiness that has been eluding me all this while, trying to figure out how best to make use of weekends and holidays. As if none of this was enough, coping with the social stigma of not just being someone recently single, but someone who is ‘divorced’. There is a world of difference there. Trust me. 

And oh, not to forget the big decision of deciding if there really has to be the next ‘ONE’ or can I just save me the trouble, skip that phase, go ahead with my adoption/IVF plans for the next phase (My maternal instincts just overtook my girlfriend/wife phase).

The worst outcome of being recently single is how you feel the constant need to be a silent reviewer of every other couple around you. To assess their chemistry, the little nuances that make them the adorable couple in public, their irrational arguments which make you feel like you probably did a mistake in letting go of what you had.

I was worse than a train wreck. Still am.

My horoscope predicted that this would be the year I will be a pragmatic and do a complete makeover of my life. I just didn’t expect that makeover to be mirror shattering!

Happy anniversary to me! 

The beginning of an end

The endings have always been my favorite part.

It gives hope that there will be a new beginning. 

A new beginning with a different ending.

To Hate, With Love.

This was not my favorite city in the world. I had always been a 'Paris' kind of girl. Terribly in love with romance. And the cold. A quaint cafe, my book, his smile and a cup of coffee. This would have made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

So when I set foot in the best city of the world, I was determined to hate it with all my heart. Every single thing about it. The rush. The rains. The bridges. The lights. The confusing maps. And most of all, him.

I hated the way his face lit up when he saw the city.
I hated that he held my hands when we crossed the roads.
I hated that he looked at me while I admired the love locks on the bridge.
I hated how he refused to sit anywhere else on the train. That he sat only next to me.
I hated that we walked around for hours to find the perfect food.
I hated how good the food tasted, with him.
I hated the way he smiled when he turned down a ride on the horse carriage.
'She will love you more for this', the owner insisted.
I think he knew better.
I hated that he took pictures to send her.
I hated that he still came back to me.
I hated how happy that made me.

I think I just fell in love with hate.

Not pink enough

I am a social introvert. For all the 'blah-ing' that I do on my blog here, in my real life, I paint a picture quite in contrast. So if and when I embark to make a conversation with anyone, it truly means that the person on the other side is worth risking the effort.

Hence, out of the blue, I decided to ping him. Just like that. No agenda. 

'Hey !' - My favorite conversation starter word. Has to go in with the exclamation mark. Shows my enthusiasm in striking up the conversation.

I wasn't expecting a quick response. When my mobile beeped with a reply in seconds, my heart literally leapt into my throat.

The smile was involuntary.

Crisp but sweet. His message. 'I am glad you pinged. Been missing you.'

A 'Really?' was all I could manage to text back.

'Yeah. Can't wait to meet you. Pick you up in 20 minutes. Dinner and a drive by the beach.'

My legs had gotten wings.20 minutes is not enough time to look pretty. I simply had to do my best. The shirt was ironed. Blue. His favorite.Mine too. And the pink lipstick. He always complained my lips weren't pink enough. 

I smiled at myself in the mirror. I don't know what he complained about. They were pink. And smiling from end to end. 

I knew he couldn't make the journey of 22 hours in just 20 minutes.

I hope she was ready when he got there. I hope he got to take her on the dinner and the drive. I hope her lips were pink enough.

Heads or Tails

When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.

20's something Vs 30's me

'Deeps, You are like a second hand 1100 Nokia handset now. I mean, maybe some people might prefer it for, you know, reasons like you remind them of a past they enjoyed being in, but 99% of the crowd prefers the new generation cloud phones with all the frills and fancy attachments. Even if you try an upgrade now, say by working out and losing all that fat you gained by your emotional binge, it's definitely not going to make you into an iPhone5. Face it, your options and choices are very limited and I say you just head for the first recycle center you see and just be content with it. Don't aim for true love or happiness anymore. Leave that to the iPhones and galaxy tabs'

I usually never quote any conversations in my blog, but this one particular conversation is being used here word by word because I couldn't get over the absurdity in it. The context being, a well meaning friend advising me on giving marriage a second shot. I must admit, I have to give it to her for the well constructed analogy. But the actual content of the conversation left me numb for a long time and then just gave me a reason to write up another blog post, back to back!

She did get me thinking though. Am I really that low in the desirable market now? I do know that on this side of the 30's, the choice of available single men who are not commitment phobes or rapists or murderers or mamma's boy is drastically low. And to be honest, if a man was past 30 and still single, I would have my doubts about him too, obviously! And if he turns out to be a decent one for that matter and maybe even ready to commit, that would only exponentially increase my suspicions about him. I wouldn't think of it as a stroke of my good luck. I would only be more focused on trying to understand why any other woman hadn't gotten to him before!

So I guess on the other side of the 30's, there is no concept of true love or romance. It is all about trying to make best of what is available and fervently hope that the one you land up is not going to rape, kill or abscond with your savings ! Whats scarier is the fact that this apparently appears to be the mutual consensus.

That's not a pretty picture for the future, especially for a die-hard romantic like me. I mean, I still expect to be swooned away magically by 'The one', because hey, I just got myself freed from the wrong one so that I am ready when he gets along. And if I am going to have to ask him questions on terms like 'Have you ever been convicted of rape or murder' instead of 'Will you get me flowers and hold my hands when we walk', I think I am in for some serious trouble !! I am still waiting for my dream proposal. And this time, I wanted to make sure that it's the guy who is going to propose me !

I guess the 20's something iPhones certainly have their lives in a better place. And I wasted that entire decade of my life figuring out how I can do everything wrong so that I screw up my 30's,40's and 50's. Brilliant planning I say !

God ! Just don't let me be taken to a recycle center.

And my dear friends - this is precisely the reason why I never answer your phone calls or reply to your emails. Because if this is the kind of inspirational jabber you think will help me back on my feet, I guess you just don't know me well enough.

Sonic memories

Today, I woke up to the sound of the shrill whistle of the pressure cooker. For that brief moment, I was transported 7000 miles across the oceans and continents. Back home. To my mother's kitchen. Our weekend routine breakfast. Puttu-Kadala (Traditional kerala dish). The first whistle of the pressure cooker is the sign that she is readying the 'Kadala' for it's first stage of preparation. It was like a well rehearsed dance. Still lying cozy in my bed, I would continue making a mental note of her routine. The sound of her getting the grater out of the shelf, the coconut being broken in half, she saves the tender sweet water for me after taking one sip from the glass, the sound of the coconut being grated, the smell of the curry leaves and spices and coconut being roasted, the blender and the grand finale, sound of her setting up the 'Puttu' steamer. This was my cue to get out of bed. Perfect timing to freshen up and be in the kitchen exactly in time for the first batch of the steaming hot puttu-kadala and my favourite, the sweet coconut water.

So today morning, on hearing the shrill whistle, I dragged my lazy self out of bed and walked sleepy eyed into my kitchen half expecting to see my mother's smiling face there with the hot breakfast ready. The kitchen was empty, much like my life.

Turns out, I just have new Indian neighbors.

But to me, it was amazing, how that one single sound bought back such fond memories. Which filled my heart with love and missing. Also a teeny weeny bit of guilt. Because every single trip home, I always swore I would surprise my mother by waking up early and taking up the role of making breakfast for the family. Never happened. Despite being 30, when I get home, I miraculously turn worse than a 3 year old !

So that got me thinking - Sonic memories. I am sure it's not just me. We all have memories associated with most sounds in our daily life. Some sweet, some harsh, some bitter and some purely mind numbing.

Like the time the radio plays a song. Every time, even today, when this particular song comes up, my heart skips a beat and my hand automatically reaches for my mobile - Overwhelmingly numb.

Or the time the Jennifer Lopez song comes up, it reminds me of the time the super cute guy from my gym hit on me :-). This song had been my inspiration to do a crazy work out regime that particular day and said cute guy congratulates me for the attempt and even goes on to compliment my tattoo - Seventh heaven !

Case rests that I never wound up meeting the afore mentioned cutie after that, but it's been my inspiration to hit the gym atleast 3 days a week because you know, sometimes you never know - Inspired!

Speaking of ring tones, my personal favorite- The classic Nokia ring tone. To this day, there is only one person my heart fondly remembers every single time I hear it - My father. For over the last 16 years, ever since he has started using a mobile phone, despite upgrading the device to still-no-frills handsets, he has vehemently refused to change the ring tone to anything else - Deep love and gratitude for the one man in my life who has never left my side or let me down from the time I took my first breath.

Commercial flight's take off announcement - This fills me with panic and grips my heart with such fierce fear that I literally break out into a sweat frenzy. And no, it is not because I have the fear of flying. On the contrary, I used to love it.It all started when I was making my first trip back home to file my divorce. From the moment I boarded the flight and the engines revved into life, my first instinct was to get out of my seat, make a dash for the door and run for life. I didn't want to make the much dreaded journey, just to get there and end my life. What lay at the other side of the journey filled me with dread. I was, after all, putting an end to my life, going to make an ass of myself in front of family, friends and the general public, sign up for a life of being scorned, rebuked and disdained upon and in all probability end up being alone for the rest of my life. To be that weird old hag who lives with her 5 dogs and 20 cats.

So much so that, each time I board a flight now, I have to convince myself that there is going to be no courtroom drama at the other end, no counselors making you feel like a cheapskate, no confusing paper work to be signed, no looks of disapproval or animosity and most importantly no one with a name board reading 'Loser - You are such a failure'. Because when you are thirty and divorced and happen to be of the 'Woman' species, this is exactly what you are. A pathetic failure.

I would have assumed that anything associated with marriage would fill me dread and panic, but oddly enough, the sounds of marriage itself or any memory associated with it actually fills me up with fond nostalgia. Because no matter how the journey ended, the beginning was beautiful. The day of my marriage is still a very fond memory in my mind. Not to sound vain, but I was a beautiful bride. Dressed up in all glory. Everything had been perfect. I hadn't stopped smiling even for a second.The day was every bit how I had wanted it to be. I know I can never go there again, ever. Even if I do get married again, I know I will never be as beautiful or innocent as the 27 year old bride I had been.

And that is precisely the reason why, when my mother asked me what to do with the wedding album, I told her to save it up someplace safe. Because in-spite of everything that had gone wrong in the marriage, I still want to someday see the visual proof of the day I had been completely oblivious in a fool's paradise. Everything else from that journey has been burned and turned to ashes. Only this was to remain.

So folks, this is the story of how a single shrill whistle of a pressure cooker in the morning turned my day into a day of reminiscence. There are plenty more memories I can think of to associate memories I cherish and refrain from too, but I think this post has done what it was intended to do - Get me out of my head and into my blog. Maybe I should tip my new neighbors something generous, so that they make this a weekend routine.

I liked waking up in the morning, today.

It's been there all along...

I hear and I forget.
I see and I remember.
I do and I understand.
                         - Confucius

So that clearly explains why I am hell bent on making mistakes over and over again ! Finally, a theory to support my spontaneous outbursts. And to think I had been stuck like a hamster in a wheel going round and round in my head over my actions. Which reminds me - I should get a hamster. Maybe. Or a dog. Oh sigh ! Here we go again !

To be or not

My biggest regret in life  – that I had a near perfect childhood. That my parents were the perfect examples of a stable marriage. That they ensured I never mixed in with the wrong crowd. That I was always protected. That I never met a thug or got spoken to harshly.

All the people in my life were reviewed and filtered. I got to meet only the good ones. The bad ones were kicked out even before I got a chance to know of their existence. I was taught to trust people. To give them chances.  To not hurt anyone. Even if they hurt you over and over. I was taught never to panic. Because it was assured to me that everything will be eventually taken care of. That there is a place to go back no matter how bad things get. A place where I am not judged, scorned or insulted. That I never had to witness a fight in my life ever before. That everything was rosy and a bed of roses. 

I was taught to be always optimistic. That there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. But in my case, most often, that light was usually the headlight of an approaching train and I was stranded in the tunnel with no way out! This was a truth I never realized until much later in my life. Until then, the fool in me breezed along enjoying the shrill whistle of the speeding train, feeling the thunderous vibrations of the tracks and being happy that I was getting closer to the light, oblivious of the impending doom.

Probably this is how I turned out to be naive. I like to call it naive. Others might call it stupid or foolhardy.

 I really do wish I did tread a few thorns on my way when I was younger and stronger to deal with it. Not now. Not when I am thirty and everyone in my league is eons ahead of me when it comes to grabbing life by it’s collar and kicking it where it hurts! I am stranded even now, struggling to find where this evasive so-called collar of life is so that I can give it a piece of my mind too, before my time is up.

I wish I was from a broken home trained to be street smart from a very young age. Trained to call out on people’s lies and shrewdness the minute I laid eyes on them. Capable of using abusive language. Able to actually type out the phrase ‘kick his balls’ without having to backspace it a hundred times.  Give s**t to people when they lash it out to me. Be able to never trust anyone, ever. To be a cynic. To not want to have a smile on my face even when the world around me is crashing down. To not worry about hurting others. To speak my mind out without a care for the listener.

I wish I could put the blame on someone. But it’s really not fair of me to put my parents in the hot seat and tell them that I am a lost cause because they were perfect. That I am a failure when it comes to living on my own cause they taught me to believe only in the good. Because they ensured I grow up to be a better person. 

I am my own enemy.

Tribute to a nation's hero

I didn't know him. I had never met him. But I knew his wife. Long before she became his wife. When she was a bubbly teenager. And then years went by. We reconnected on facebook. I saw her transition from the radiant graduate to a blushing bride to a proud mother and now to be the brave wife of a nation's hero.

Major Mukund Varadarajan(Age 31) - 22 Rajputana Regiment Indian Army. Killed during an encounter with terrorists in Shopian, kashmir on April 25, 2014. Survived by wife and three year old daughter.

Nothing in recent times has moved me as much as watching this video of father daughter duo sharing a brief singing session. 

At a time when parents are rushing to buy iPad's and iPhone's for kids,filling their little heads with poems on little stars that twinkle overhead, on princesses locked away in high towers, on prince charmings riding away in shining armor, here is a father teaching his little girl something she will treasure for the rest of her life. 

It moves me that the little one will have no or little memory of the amazing person that her father was. That all she will remember of this brave man is what little stories such videos and photographs tell her. That she will regret not getting a chance to show him what an important part he has played in making her who she is.

And to think I was selfish enough to hope to be a single mother. 

The world needs more sons, fathers and husbands like these. Why does fate have to deprive the lucky ones?

Fear I have not, fear I have not,
Even if the entire sky breaks,
And falls on my head
Even if they judge me as the worst,
Fear I have not, fear I have not.

Post by Major Mukund Varadarajan.

A letter to my daughter

If I was living my life the way I had charted it out when I was younger, this would be the year I am celebrating my daughter's 3'rd birthday. And the reality of how life has actually turned out to be is nowhere close to my plans.

I have been working on giving my blog a new look and also doing a clean up process of my drafts folder here, when I came across a couple of unfinished work. This was my favorite in the list there. 

Every girl goes through a phase in life when she starts naming her unborn children and have conversations with them, conjure up games for them, decide clothes and shoes and colors for them. I was no different either, except for one point. I had taken it a step further and decided to write a letter to my daughter. 

Going through a letter a very delirious 24 year old me had written to my daughter had me splitting with laughter. I am saving that for a later post. But I loved the concept and decided to write a new one for my daughter, after life has taken me through me this roller coaster ride. I certainly hope there will be a daughter to read all this, one day. If not, this certainly is a lot of expert advice going unheeded  (and one heck of an 'awesome mom' gene pool going to waste ! ;) ).

My dear little girl (Leah),

Let me start this by telling you that you are beautiful. And if anyone ever makes you feel or believe otherwise, you don't need them in your life. Don't let yourself be fooled into believing what others think of you. 

Before going any further in this letter, let's get a few points straight out here. If there ever is a competition for the best mummy, I wouldn't even be eligible for an application to it ! At this stage, I am totally clueless on how to get myself along in life, let alone be responsible for another life. But I am hoping that it's one of those magic traits god has ingrained in us women - To be able to miraculously transform into a 'mommy' the minute you hear the tiny heart beat in the scan machine (I will totally let you know how that felt when I get there!). 

But for the moment, I will be the mom who has no idea how to bake a cake or a cookie, who doesn't know the difference between Red and Maroon, who still believes that everything pink has to be girly and everything blue boyish and any other color is to be discarded, who is terrible at sewing a button back on, who still thinks it's awesome to eat Maggi at midnight even if it's for a 1 year old, who doesn't care if the milk is organic or not, who doesn't separate her whites from the colors in the washing machine and well, so you get the picture here don't you? It's going to be a fun mother-daughter life and I am sure we will work our routine out eventually.  

If you are the girl who believes in prince charmings and happily ever afters, let me make this clear to you. There are plenty of prince charmings out there in the world, but not all of them will find their way to you. A majority of them eventually end up losing the way and will be too stubborn to ask for directions. I am not saying they will never come to you, but there is a good chance that they will not get to you by the time you are ready for them. And meanwhile, you will be running into a lot of the other kind who won't be so charming or princely either. Let them break your heart, but never let them break your soul. You will need it when the right one actually finds his way back to you !

And talking about prince charming, of all the men you choose to fall in love, I hope that your father would be the first love in your life. If that man has made it possible to be a part of our lives, believe me my dear, he's definitely got to be the perfect scale to measure any guy you choose to see. I am still a bit hazy on what those traits are, but I am certain that I will know it when he comes my way. The same way you will see it when you come into our lives.

Wear what you like. Even if it's a tattoo (Heck! I might even let you copy my tattoo and we could flaunt it together), but I will most certainly draw a line when it comes to choosing between looking scary or sensible ! The biggest accessory I want you to wear everyday is your smile. I don't want a daughter of mine to charm people with expensive make up, clothes, accessories or shoes. Rather, I would love it if she manages to do it with her sharp wit, smile and a loving heart. It's never uncool to be naive and sensitive. Even if it means you would be tread upon and left behind feeling like a door mat. It takes a strong girl with a big heart to endure something like that. I have been there. Do not resist or rebel. Take it and move on with a bigger smile. It makes the world a much easier place to spend the rest of your days in.

I would be a tad disappointed if I haven't managed to pass on my hair or eyes to you (my personal favorites ;)), but I really really really wish you would share my passion and love for words. It's been my only faithful companion all along (not even your father. He's not been around for the first big disaster in my life, but my blog was !). Having a passion makes a world of difference, especially when you feel utterly lost in life (which will be on many occasions in life). I will try my best to be around for you for those critical times, but I would really love it if you find your own remedy for such times. It works a zillion times better than having me doll out unnecessary advice to heal you. So cultivate the habit while you are young. Read, travel, observe. It would mean the world to me to see you not just as a well-read lady, but also one with great conversation skills and fine taste. Never be a cynic. Give everything and everyone one chance.

You don't need to have it all figured out every time. It's perfectly fine to cry like there is no tomorrow, laugh like it's the best day in your life, dance like nobody's watching, fight like it's worth it all and give up like it never mattered at all. You just need to know when to do each.

Moving on to another pet peeve of mine. I would be very proud if you are fluent in English and any other language you choose to pick. But I will not let you live it down, if you don't read and speak my language - Malayalam. It's your mother tongue for a reason - Your mother. And no daughter of mine is going to look down upon it or find an excuse to not be fluent in it (Trust me ! I am going to have you speak in the Kannur dialect, the same way I do !).

I am here to answer any question for you. I may not have all the answers, but I will at-least try to guide you to someone who will definitely give you the answer. (And I will teach you how to use google :) ! ). There are many things in life that you will have to learn on your own. Like sex or kissing. It's different for everyone. I rather you wait to find it out for yourself, in due time, with the right person, than have me lecture you on it. Just don't be led by somebody over-rating it or leading you to believe it's purely carnal. That's when we initiate our own discussion on it. Same goes for your periods and eventually the miracle of a child birth too. We will be having a very mature face to face talk on this. You will not be unprepared for any of this before your first time, that I definitely assure you. 

My precious Leah, I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with all this. I could go on and on writing to you, but I really do want to save some words for when you actually arrive. And no matter what I may say during our lives together, do know that the day I heard your tiny heartbeat for the first time on that machine was the happiest day of my life. And holding you for the first time was the best feeling in my life (I may say a different version to your father, but that's just to pacify his male ego ;). We women can embrace the truth !.

Love,

Now clueless and hope-to-be-soon-rocking mom !

I am not rejecting you. I am protecting me !

'So why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.' - Meredith Grey

That line pretty much summarizes the turn of events in my life over the past few months. But not anymore. And here's why. 

1. I stopped using social networking sites because I couldn't stand getting one more message congratulating me for getting out of my marriage/expressing happiness at not being associated with XYZ family/ telling me how brave I am to have taken the big step that I did/ or on how life on the other side of a divorce is not easy. 

Thanks but no thanks. When I stop responding to your very genuine and carefully worded messages, it's not that I don't appreciate your concern for me or that I am rejecting you. It's simply because I want to protect myself ! How difficult is it to understand that? No, seriously.

As much pleasure as you get in lashing out about my ex in-laws or ex-husband, they are 'ex' in my life for a reason. One of the most critical in that being the fact that I do not want them in my present or future. So talking over and over about them or listening to scores of people talking over and over about them does not serve justice to the beautifully worded judgement copy I got from the Kerala court. I am very certain it said that I am now free to live my life with no association whatsoever to any of the above mentioned parties. Sadly the society seems to have decided otherwise.

I am loving the sunshine. I am loving the greenery around me. I love seeing the smiling faces. I love conversing with total strangers to whom I am just Deepthi and not 'Deepthi the Divorcee'. And heck, if I decide to indulge in the occasional harmless flirting, I do not want to see your judgmental look. I have earned my right to it. I am loving my new life. Feel free to judge me all you want, just don't tell it to me !I digress.

And why am I saying this in my blog here? Because mostly it is cathartic and moreover, I would have loved to reply individually to all my well wishers, but that wouldn't make me sound any less arrogant/air-headed/sarcastic/heartless. I figured it's easier to just get the message out here.

So next time, you want to make yourself heard/appreciated in my life, do me a favor. Talk to me about that great movie you just saw, about that heart breaking book you just read, the beautiful dress you just purchased, call me out for buying shoes or desserts or maybe even just share a cup of coffee with me ! 

I am in love with the sound of my laughter and I would so love to get you to fall in love with it too ..if only you would give me a chance !

Oh ! My stranger in the crowd

I wave my arms frantically. I hope you would notice me, because well, everyone else in the crowded lunch room did. Eating my lunch alone was never my cup of tea, and I thought you knew it. But then, even when the entire room knew it was you I was trying to call, you were the only who acted as if you were oblivious of it. 

Maybe that should have been my first red flag

A lie about lying

Someone, a really long time ago, told me I am beautiful. And I blindly believed it. For the next 18 years of my life.

That one statement, a casual statement, made in passing. But it was the first of it's kind for a young mind. Maybe it was that one casual remark which made me feel like I could own the world. For a very long time. Until the world around me came crashing down. Shattering my very existence. Worse than I could handle.

But when I finally met him, I did warn him. I don't have it in me to keep him interested for long. I bore easy.
I had been through the so called journey of life and the truth had faded. Nor did the lie exist anymore. I wasn't the one to make an effort. Not anymore.

He liked a challenge.

Sadly, he bored easy too.

Was it three strikes before called out? I guess I am due then.

So that's a chapter of life I conclude is closed for good.

Moving on to the next phase.... or is there one ?

Blue like the sky

Roses were always red or pink or yellow. It had been the norm. It's what I was used to.

So when I saw them for the first time, I stood captivated.

The blue roses.

So beautiful. So out of the ordinary. They had an air of arrogance around them. Like they knew that they were unique. One of a kind. They were special and had to stay that way.
It's almost like they were acting out what they stood for - The Unattainable, The Impossible.

I spent a long time just watching them.

I wish I had bought them. Or atleast touched them. But I was scared. Scared that I might inflict pain to something so delicate and beautiful.

After what felt like an eternity of gazing at the supreme beauty, I walked out. Resolving to come back soon. For them. To make them mine.

I never did go back there. Once out of sight, their beauty intimidated me. And yet, not a day has passed that I didn't think of them.

It's a thin line. I know I am at a loss for words to describe the feeling here.

I am terrible at analogy too.

One day, I hope to be them. 

Not the common, ultimately disregarded or discarded red yellow or pink. But them... the terrifyingly captivating blue..... The blue rose in somebody's life. The one somebody who will not inflict any more pain. 

The Fool I Was, The Fool I Am, The Fool I Stay

'You are a fool. Naive and trusting. You will always remain a fool.'

Why has it always been easy for people to throw anything my way and assume that it will not impact me in any way.

Maybe that's why I am the fool. Because I let people get away with this. Every time. 

Mistress

..not of spices.

He called it being practical. I liked to think of it as love. I believed that it would hit him one day. I continued to believe that, even after his daughter was born.

He had told me he couldn't love her. So why do you have children with someone you don't love?

It wasn't love at first sight. It wasn't even love after a thousand sights. But it was definitely a spark. A spark we both carry even today. All these years later. But all I remain in his life still is just a spark.

'When there is no future, there is no point in even trying'. He had told me this years ago when I uttered the marriage word. If there was no future then, how are we still together? in the future...all these years later?

Or was that just a ruse to blind me? to lead me on to believe that I still mattered to him. In spite of having a wife and children and the so called happily married life.

I am not a lover. Never even been called a girlfriend. Not even a friend.

We are a kind. The mistresses. Soul-less and heart-less. Nurtured by life to live without any expectations. To accept just a smile or a touch as a gift. This was not what I would have taken by choice. But this is what life offered me as a choice. His companionship was far too precious for me to give up. It was easier to share it with another person than forgo it altogether. That wasn't my idea either. It's what he decided was best for us.

It was always him making the decisions. He decided I shouldn't be allowed to stop loving him. He decided it was alright for him to be loved by not just me.

A fate I wouldn't wish on anyone I care for.. Mistress.. the kind to be never missed or too kind to be missed?

The other woman

I have never called anyone my best friend.

Good friend – Yes. Best friend – Never. 

I am not a believer of the concept of having the ‘best’ of anything. As far as I see it, it’s all a relative comparison. Never definite.

And so she was my good friend. I always called her that.

My close friend.

She knew me like no one else did. I could tell her my worst fears, my favorite memories, my darkest secrets, the confusing questions. I could talk to her about anything under the sun.

And so when he came into my life she was the first person to hear about it. I have gone on endless conversation sprees just to let her know how much he means to me. How happy he makes me. How effortlessly he could make me smile. How his one touch or look could send a thousand waves in me.

She smiled. Each time I described him. She smiled to let me know she was happy for me. 

Happy that I was finally getting the love I had lost faith in.

I was happy too. Happy when I got them to meet.

It took not a day, or a week. It took months. Or maybe even a year. 

I guess for someone who was always the first to tell her about anything in my life, she had decided that I should be the last one to know about this new change in her life. And invariably, a huge change in my life too.

Thus, on the fateful day as I watched the two pieces of my heart walk hand in hand, I knew I was right.

There really is nothing best in this world. Not even good. I thought I had lost trust in learning to love ever again. Turns out I have lost trust in having a friend too.

I have read someplace; it takes one woman to understand another. It also takes only one woman to hurt another.

13 - The Omen

The number 13 has always been bad luck for me. Even if it is just a string in the digits of a year. So yes 2013 and a couple of years before that has been one heck of a roller coaster life journey for me. And I couldn't heave a bigger sigh of relief as all this comes to an end. Finally !

As I bid good bye to all of this, I realized I have changed a lot when it comes to what I have believed in or taken for granted. I am very glad few people decided to get out of my life. And I am more glad I got to kick out some too ! The list is still on, but I am definitely going to do a fool proof plan this time around ! Life doesn't give second chances more than once. I plan to start the new year on a new note. Absolutely !

My take on life as I see it
----------------------------
Family = Blessing !
Girlfriends = Oxygen !
Love = Bullshit !
Attitude = Practice !
Husband = Stranger !
In laws = Torture !
Marriage = Agony !
Men = Opportunists !
Sex = Demeaning !
Money = Therapy !
Food = Happiness !
Work = Heaven !
Nature = Soul-mate !
Dreams = Inspiring !
Nightmares = Frequent !
Dogs = Companion !
ME = THANKFUL !!!!!! I finally make sense of it all. 

Highlight of the year - When my one year old niece hugged me and woke me up in the morning..or was it the moment when the judge said 'I grant the divorce' ?

.. Happy that a crappy year is coming to an end !!! 

Window blinds... Or sees

So the general consensus appears to be that I have either fallen off from the face of earth or killed myself. I can totally understand why this conclusion was arrived at (based on all my previous ramblings), but its actually very weird to get calls every alternate day just to check if I am still alive !

So if it is any consolation,
No - The flight didn't crash as I wanted it to. It flew safely all the way to and fro and I am still living here in one piece.
No - I have no intentions of throwing myself at any oncoming traffic, be it trains or cars.
No - I completely understand that a knife can and should only be used for cutting fruits/veggies and in my opinion the occasionally frequent amazon packages too ;) !

When I was really down in the dumps and wanted to have a conversation, there was not a soul around to even ask me if I was doing Ok. Now when I have settled it all (in my head and otherwise too) and finally managed to make peace with whatever it was all about, I get a zillion questions thrown at me every single day to remind me of something I try not to think of at all ! I have known all along that 'Irony' is the middle name and heck, last name of life too, but why do I have to live through it !

So that said and done, I have survived my first day of winter snow (And yes still in one piece!). There's something magical about December, about Christmas, about this pristine white snow blanket spread all around, the lights. I love it. I wouldn't be anywhere else for winters, but just here! As much as I crib about having to shovel the snow off my car and pavement, I still love every bit of this.

My new found craze is a fact I just learnt recently - Every window has a story to tell.

The passion started off as my curiosity to drive around the neighborhood and see how they have decked up the houses for the holidays. At dusk, almost every house in and around and even far flung are decked up with the most beautiful decorations and lights. But what really caught my attention was the always open one window in every house. It is either the window to the kitchen or the window beside the den with the lighted tree, or the window in the dining area. Every window which was open had a story to tell. Of the people, of the longing, of the holidays, of a year gone by.

The window in the kitchen opened to the scene of a grandmother sipping her cup of hot cocoa (I assume) while browsing the huge album book laid out in the table in front of her. I suppose, like every other holiday previous year, this year too, she has decked up the house beautifully to welcome her children and grandchildren. She sure has done a great job of it !

The window in the den opened to show a huge tree lighted up and decorated with multi colored strings. I could see a child stop his dog from tugging away at the tree. The mother and dad were sharing a nice laugh seeing the two in action.

The dining room scene was pretty much typical of what you would see otherwise too. A family table laid out with aromatic dishes and the family says grace before marveling at the glorious spread.

I decorated my house too. Not a tree. No star. Just a string of lights. I leave them on and I leave my window blinds open too. I am curious to hear the story I would hear from somebody who, like me, would try to come up with.

The story of a single lighted window with a girl looking out to wonder what the world thinks her story would be.

2011

I never read my posts here more than once. I think that the magic is always in the first time. Reading it again would prompt me to rephrase and reword. That simply takes out the natural flow of thoughts.
But yesterday, I tried to keep a tab on the number of posts I have published so far, from the time I started the blog. Turns out this year has had the maximum number of posts to date.

The ironic fact here was the fact that there are entries for every year right from 2007 to 2013, except for 2011. Not even a single entry there.

Rightfully so. This was the year everything came together and still fell apart.

Karma is a Biatch

And I love her for it !

I used to be a huge advocate of not spewing negativity out of me. I reserve my seldom arising anger for very crucial timings. But along with getting wiser each year, I am also losing out on my precious patience.
Turns out 30's is the time in your life when you do not have to put up with any nonsense or people who dish out nonsense to you.

Surprised with my capability of not being able to stick out to nonsense (which I previously used to), I superficially bought this topic up to my yoga teacher during a session. And she tells me 'Uh oh! So we need to stop doing hip opener poses in class for a while now'.

So that is how I got to grasp an interesting aspect in human anatomy, or rather, the female anatomy. In the science of yoga, it is administered that women carry all their emotions in the hips ! Not the head, not the heart ! The hips !! No wonder that my years of trying of set my head and heart straight with all known nuances never paid off or stopped me from making the same mistakes over and again ! I should have just focused on the hip!

Over the rainbow so high

Up in the sky I go again today.
Will it be too selfish of me to wish 
never to set foot on ground ever again?

It's a lovely fall day. The colors around me are way too pretty.
Maybe the reasons I think of are just simply petty.

Sigh ! Life... why must it even go on?
Up in the sky, again I am on.

Into each life some rain must fall.

It was raining heavily the day he was to leave.

It wasn't meant to. But it did. Just like how he wasn't supposed to. But he did.

Look, the sky is pouring out my tears. I guess it is also as sad as I am that you are leaving.

He did not look my way. But he sure sent his reply my way.

No. Those are the tears of my joy falling from the sky. Because I am leaving.

He had an answer. For everything. Except me.

Roses are red and Violets are blue.

Scarlet - Some words are beautiful just because of the way they sound.

I read 'Gone with the wind' when I was too young, way younger than I would prefer to admit.
But amazingly, it made sense to me. Even then. Maybe that is why I got drawn to this illusion called love - Fool's paradise.
Paradise maybe. But a fool nevertheless.

Early 90's. He used to visit our apartment once a month. With a bundle of sorts. Folded 5 yards of fabric in every color and material.

Installment Velu - that's what the women in the complex called him.

Tugging the heavy bundle, he would make his way to the open area beside the entrance. Velu's saree mela, I had named it. To myself.

I didn't think he would take a 8 year old seriously, even if she went up to him and offered to buy a saree.

'Scarlet velu anna. Do you have a saree in scarlet color?'

I was too young to explain to him what the color was. 
He was not educated enough to figure out what it meant.

From then, we had our parade.

He would try to bring a different shade each time since then. A new shade neither him nor I had seen.
'Is this your scarlet little one?'

I always replied in the negative. I had no idea if it was or not. But I knew that saying yes would put an end to this new game in my life. And my new friendship.

His reply had always been the same 'If we don't find your color now, I promise you it will be my wedding gift to you ok little one. You will wear it on that day.'

Now I know what scarlet looks like. It's been many years. 

I have seen plenty of 5 yards of beautifully woven, intricately worked fabric of that color in the gazillion retail outlets. But I could never bring myself to buy any of them. I wanted the scarlet saree an old friend would have gifted to the 8 year old.

I was supposed to walk down the aisle in my scarlet saree. He never gifted me one for that, when I walked down it for the first time. Maybe the walk was never supposed to have been. Maybe it was all jinxed from the start. A jinx I put on when I was 8.

I should have bought a scarlet saree after all. Maybe my life would have been different.