Happy anniversary !

I  was never the big dreamer. The perpetual dreamer – Yes. But never the big dreamer. My expectations in life had always been minimalistic and to be honest, very realistic too. All I had ever wanted was to settle down with a man who would be kind and understanding, capable of keeping a conversation going and put up with my nonsensical outbursts when I try to show off my apparent knowledge. Have a family, throw in a couple of kids and a dog, good food, an overseas vacation once a year, some ‘Me’ time for my reading and writing - My life was set. That is all I had wanted all along. How unachievable is that?

My first year of being technically single, after almost 10 years of being in a single focus, committed relationship – Not at all liberating! In fact, it was the most strenuous and difficult year I have had to endure in my lifetime till date. It was like I had forgotten how to live with myself.

I hit every low point in the curve. Terrible emotional instability, ready to let tears flow at the drop of a hat, regular and too frequent outbursts of anger, learning to un -memorize days, dates and phone numbers, the usual drama of deleting and revising people on my social profiles, trying to be the sane and composed professional at work, oscillating faster than a pendulum in most decision making ventures, being extremely unsocial and cutting out from everyone and everything only to feel the need to be highly social the very next day and expect to be accepted as nothing was amiss just until a day ago, coping with repeated rejections repeatedly, trying to overcome the absurdity of being sure that the next person who comes along will be the key to my happiness that has been eluding me all this while, trying to figure out how best to make use of weekends and holidays. As if none of this was enough, coping with the social stigma of not just being someone recently single, but someone who is ‘divorced’. There is a world of difference there. Trust me. 

And oh, not to forget the big decision of deciding if there really has to be the next ‘ONE’ or can I just save me the trouble, skip that phase, go ahead with my adoption/IVF plans for the next phase (My maternal instincts just overtook my girlfriend/wife phase).

The worst outcome of being recently single is how you feel the constant need to be a silent reviewer of every other couple around you. To assess their chemistry, the little nuances that make them the adorable couple in public, their irrational arguments which make you feel like you probably did a mistake in letting go of what you had.

I was worse than a train wreck. Still am.

My horoscope predicted that this would be the year I will be a pragmatic and do a complete makeover of my life. I just didn’t expect that makeover to be mirror shattering!

Happy anniversary to me!