Front Row Seats

 "Never give someone the privilege of the front row seats to your life, unless you know they are here to cheer for you."

Hiatus much? Safely so. Boy! It feels good to be back. Ah no... I have several drafts on my page that I couldn't complete. I certainly hope this one sees the light of day. But it sure feels surreal to be here typing out the random ramblings coming out of my head. It's like.. I don't recognize this person anymore..

The last time I wrote a post here, I frantically searched Google for synonyms and acronyms to make my writing look more polished. And today, almost a decade later, all I have to do is prompt ChatGPT to summarize my life/day based on all the questions I have been throwing at it. And it does a phenomenal job, too. I feel small in comparison.

Which also reminds me, the last time I was here, I was a broken piece of a human being. 

Long story short. I gave in to marriage (arranged marriage!) even when I was too terrified to. And I birthed the three most amazing tiny humans in the one decade that I allowed myself to trust. 

I spent my teenage years living in the shadows. 

I spent my twenties chasing after the wrong things and misplaced priorities. Honestly, the second half of my twenties was mostly blackout periods, rebellion (so much rebellion!), and self-loathing. The only thing I missed was carrying out the Goth look and getting my face tattooed. 

My thirties were entirely about self-reflection, rediscovery, and learning to trust again. 

Well, now, finally in my early forties, I gladly say - 'I do not give a flying f*ck!'

No, really, I mean it. I have always been an introvert. Happiest in my own company. A book, my drink, and a nice place to curl up, that's literally all I need. I hate small talk. I get drained in social gatherings. My tolerance for dealing with overbearing personalities has been zero or less. So, my social circle is still very, very small. But when you have three extrovert kids, I guess that is all the socializing that introvert parents can handle!

But the one aspect, I still miss - My random ramblings here. My love for the unknown and the mysterious. A decade ago, I would have rambled on about the passionate love (or lack of) and the overwhelming emotions I was bubbling with. But today, my conversations in my head are about which class the kids need to be scheduled for or which one needs a doctor appointment or when was the last time I did the laundry.. well you get my drift.

So it is no surprise to me that when my oldest saw a decade-old picture of me, She was genuinely surprised and said - That's you? You looked so pretty - Whatever happened to you since that picture was taken?'. Not my best parenting moment - but my answer to her was - 'Well, I got married, got pregnant and here I am, three kids later'. Understandably, it offended her, because hey! nobody wants to be told you are the reason someone looks unattractive..so I had to jump into damage control.. that's been going on for three days now.. Kids.. I tell you..they may forgive but they never forget!

At this point, I highly contemplated sharing my blog with her. So she gets to see her mom before she was a 'mom'. At the risk of sounding very vain, I had quite the fan following back then. I was an introvert then and now, but if I had dared to respond to some of the proposals I got back then, I would have dated some really famous names lol! But no, me being me, stayed in my shell and allowed myself to believe that I wasn't as beautiful as they claimed me to be. Dang it! I would kill to go back to that day and knock some sense into my younger self! If only, someone had warned me what getting older feels like, I would have enjoyed being young and reckless. Maybe even loved it!

Anyways, I need to make myself get back on here and rant. Cause I miss it. And sometimes, the chaos in my head, only my blog can handle. Maybe, even vent about the butterflies in my stomach.