Your She.

If only, you spoke to me, 

like you talked to her.

If only, you looked at me,

the way you looked at her.

If only, you could feel for me,

what you felt for her.
If only, you cared for me,
the way you cared about her.

If only, you understood that
 you mean to me,

what she means to you.

If only.......

 I was her
And you were me.

From rock bottom to (almost) rocking !

Every Sunday afternoons, at exactly 11 AM, my mobile beeps to indicate an incoming text message. This has been a routine for the last 16 months. Ever since I started an account with Ulster bank, Dublin. I had opted to receive weekly reminder on my account balance. Today was no different either. It's like an alarm for me. I woke up and since I had nothing better to read, I decided to check out the message.

Jesus 'Freaking' Christ !!! I am down by 675 euros from last Sunday. It's not even the 1'st yet. My rent isn't due until the 7th. And when I convert it into rupees, it's roughly 52,000 rs !

I couldn't be more awake now. What the hell happened to my money? I was pretty sure I am being robbed. I scroll to read my last week's balance and the week's before and the week before. That's when I noticed the pattern. On an average, it was going down by at least a 150 euros every week. Now I was more than sure that some smart-ass is swindling me. Fuming mad, I open the browser and I click on my last monthly statement.

Lo and behold ! Turns out that smart-ass swindler was none other than yours truly ! Or maybe a hidden personality in me I wasn't aware of. And where was all this money going every week? Pizza, pizza and more pizza and more food and a couple of departmental store purchases.

Now I am dazed. I had been cribbing the entire time of my hectic work schedule and how in the world did I find the time to do all this shopping and good lord.. Pizza? The largest, most extravagant pizza, always ordered with over 2 side servings (Did I mention I love the garlic bread?) and 2 cans of coke (not even diet)!
And that's when I found the culprit. 2 websites amazon.com and justeat.ie. There were even days when I had food delivery to my apartment 3 times a day and as if that was not enough, I purchased a pair of shoes too (I can't even recall if it was delivered or not).

I jumped off the bed and rushed to do what any other girl would have done. Hopped on to the digital weighing machine I had hidden in the bathroom. It's been a good 3 or 4 months since I checked my weight, but I did have a rough estimate of what I had weighed then. Today, when the digital display refused to stop even after crossing an excess of almost 18 kg from the last measurement, I didn't wait to see the final number. I turned away and jumped off...to have a look at myself in the mirror.

Here I am, nearly 20 kg (I was overweight earlier, so now I am pretty sure I have touched the obese mark), with a near empty bank balance and oh my god... is that a jalapeno stuck on my hair?

The million dollar question - How in the world did I get here???

Does a broken marriage do this to everybody or am I the only one?

And for the life of me, I couldn't remember the last time I actually stepped out of my building. I know I am still employed and working, but did I go to office at all? I check my outlook and yes, I was right. I haven't been to my office for the last 2 weeks at least.

So I did a retrace. I was back in Dublin from India on the 4th of May 2013 and today was was the 26th of May, exactly 3 weeks later. During this entire time, I haven't been to work, I haven't stepped out, my house is cluttered with boxes of pizza and take out containers, I have been stuck in my sweatpants (apparently the only ones which fit me) for god knows how long, despite all these, still miraculously touching bankruptcy and stuck with a jalapeno on my hair ! I am pretty sure this was rock bottom for me.

It's been over a month today since this really tragic realization hit me. I haven't shed the many extra pounds I had put on nor did my account gain the euros drastically either. But I do know for a fact I am no longer going downhill.
- I wake up everyday and force myself to go to work at least 3 days in a week. I take 1 day in between 2 consecutive days to prep myself for going out the next day.
- I make it a point to cook my own food, even if it is something as simple as a bread toast or as extravagant (!) as rice/sambar.
- For the first time, after many many months, I spent close to 2 hours in a saloon, getting my hair and eyebrows done. I even threw in a few extra cash to pamper myself with a much needed massage. Certainly money well spent.
- Since I no longer fit into any of my old clothes, I went out and got myself a few decent ones which doesn't make me look like the big fat pig that I am.
- Apparently, another undesirable side effect of putting on too much weight too fast, I have a face covered with zits and acne's. So I splurged a bit in getting some good concealers and foundation creams.
- I googled very earnestly to find out how Kareena got her size zero figure and even though I am not diligently following it word by word, I try to do it maybe once in 4 days. I hope I can be presentable in probably the next 6 months to come (most optimistically).

I couldn't have done all this without the help of my family and the few dear friends who popped in once in a while, on phone or email, to check on me. I am not proud of what has happened. Nor am I thrilled to be where I am today. I don't expect to be scooped up by a knight in shining silver armor anymore. But I certainly want to live my life with a smile on my face and feeling good about being alive.  I needed some time off from everything and everyone, to deal with my emotions and to assess where I stand and where I go from here. I did that and now I am back on my feet, pretty much to being the girl I was, almost 8 years ago. Before any of this came into my life. Much calmer, much saner.

What's worse than being 29 and single you ask me? It's being 29 and divorced. But I know I can deal with it. And I intend to do it on my own. I had been going around in circles with a zillion questions on my head about many many things and phases I had been through (likely to be another of my post soon), but I had never had this much clarity as I feel today. Nor the peace of mind. Nor the wonderful feeling of rebuilding hope again.

And last but never the least, I found solace in something more ultimate, the supreme power. I was never an atheist, but today I am a firm believer. I am not a religious fanatic, but I make it a point to light the lamp at least one time in a day. To see the holy glow light up the faces of the many gods I have assembled on a small side table gives me such a sense of relief, I am terribly ashamed that it took me all these years and so many experiences to get me here, but I am glad it's better late than never.

Since I have been so candidly honest in my entire post, there's another point that should not be missed. Yes, I do miss not having the physical presence of a close someone around. Someone who would hold my hand when I walk down the beautiful streets of Dublin. Someone to tell me if the dress I picked looks good on me. Someone to just sit down and share a cup of coffee with. And by this someone, I don't mean a boyfriend or lover, but I need a friend around. As thankful as I am for the wonderful people who have been around to help me while I was down, the irony is the fact that every single one of these people are miles and oceans apart, with lives of their own to deal with. It's just a feeling I get, but maybe my way up would have been much quicker, if there was one friend around here to hold my hand while I was getting up. Walking back in to an empty apartment is not a cake walk everyday. But again, that's a thing of the past too :). I have learnt to be happy with myself [no pun intended ;) ] and I am totally loving this new found sense of freedom, seeing the bright side of life and feeling bright and cheerful again.

A thing of the past is a thing of the past. I don't regret it. I am glad for it, but I am more glad now ! Forgive and forget. A lesson learnt for life. I look forward to bright sunny days ahead. Period.

Something I really like

After many years, I came across this bit of shayari again and I just couldn't resist sharing it here.

Main aur meri tanhai
Aksar ye batein karte hain
Tum hoti to kaisa hota
tu yeh kahti, tum woh kahti
Tum is baat pe hairan hoti
tum us baat pe kitni hasti
tum hoti to aisa hota, tum hoti to waisa hota
Main aur meri tanhai ,aksar yeh baten karte hain

For you...anytime, everytime.

In the almost pitch dark and the loud blaring music, I could barely hear what you were trying to speak to me. But when your arms swept across to my waist and got me closer , face to face, I din't feel the need to hear any words. So close enough that your warm breath on my face felt like a sweet whisper. It was the briefest embrace I have ever been in, but that one moment felt like an eternity. Your warm lips on mine and I could feel the very essence of being in love. Was this it? Was this how being in love felt like?

My head reeled.

It was a mad rush to get home and just be in each other's arms. As soon as possible. The chilling cold winds, the loud hoots at 3AM from the drunk youngsters on the roads did nothing to slow our hurried paces. We fumbled with the lock and somehow made it inside the house. And then we made love. Not once, Not twice. Till it was dawn and you had to leave. Your fingers don't fumble when you open my clothes, but I pretend your expertise doesn't bother me. Never before had being in love or making love felt so right. Never before did I ever want the sun to not rise in the horizon.

But, were we in love?

For you, I was just a celebration of your vanity. Your love was elsewhere. We made love. And you spoke to her, at every interval you got. Called her up to ask her how she’s doing, what she had for breakfast, whether she made it to work on time. Called her every day to tell her how you are doing. What you did in your day.

Of course there was no mention of me ever.

We never spoke. I might have just as well been yet another pillow in the bed. What I assumed started off as a wonderful beginning to love, became nothing more than a routine.

I wanted the conversations. I wanted to know what you are thinking about.

Did the food taste good? Do you think I looked pretty? Do I look good my hair let loose? I had no answers. I still don't know.

I waited for that one day when you might see what you mean to me. What being in love means. But to you, love was her. Conversation was her. Thoughts were her. 

You had your share of pain too, I know.  She was married to somebody else.  But you loved her too much to let her go. You cared enough about her to lie to me about it. But I didn't need to hear you say it, I know your heart and I know it beats for her. And only her. Behind every single lie you told me, I knew the truth. I still listened, because you were talking to me. Even though it was about her.

Yet, the wait was wonderful.

Was I the fool to believe that someday you would fall in love with me? Was it blind trust that I had in you to not see what my heart already knew?

It’s been so many days now. Do you miss me? I yearn to know.

I don’t wait to hear you say ‘I love you’. I have long given up hope of ever hearing it. But I want to know if you miss me. We had shared so much.  I wait to hear that it meant something to you. That I meant something to you.

And oh, happy anniversary. Our first year together.

I was too blind to see that you were too deaf to hear me.

Signed,
Love

Just yesterday. Today and tomorrow is a haze..

I am one of those countless women who have moved on from yesterday but not yet reached tomorrow. Life still hangs in the middle. Unsure of which way to tread. 

I am that girl

I am that girl who forgives everyone who gets mad at me. 

I am that girl who cares way too much about what people think of her. 

I am that girl who fears being alone. 

I am that girl who is scared of growing up. 

I am that girl who acts like I’m tough when really, I feel like crying.

I am that girl who says yes to everything, because I hate disappointing people.

I am that girl who tries to be nice to everyone then gets taken advantage of. 
I am that girl who doesn't care if it's a million dollars or a handmade card,
as long as you thought of me.

I am that girl who tries to express how she feels, but just cannot find the right words.

I am that girl who everyone thinks they know....but they just don't !

--Inspired from a random forward I saw today morning.

Friend or Foe

Top note: Apparently, changing the link wasn't so foolproof ! But well, it's the best I can manage with for now. Moving on to my thoughts for the day -

Is everyone you meet either a friend or foe? How easy is to distinguish between the two?

Honestly I am lost. I am not gullible. But I trust too fast and too much.  Well, maybe that is being gullible after all.

And I don’t filter what I say. But that’s only because I consider you a friend. I am not good at lying. At the first sign of a lie from my mouth, you can figure out what exactly the situation is. I get so awfully uncomfortable that I lose track of what I wanted to lie about.

Well then, if I have taken the liberty of trusting you so much, shouldn't the decent thing to do be to acknowledge my trust and reciprocate it? Why use my words against me? If I wanted the whole world to know about it, I would have shouted it out to the whole world. Why use my trust with you to judge my own character? Why use it to defame me?

I am going through a big phase of realization and transformation. Some things I had taken for granted are getting rewritten. Few people I have trusted are showing me their true colors.

I mean, honestly, is there really a true friend in this world? Is there this one person who will listen to all that you say and be genuinely happy for you or sad for you as it is? Isn't there always a selfish factor to it? Should a friend be someone who outs you just to make themselves safe?

Is it easier to not just make any friends at all? Where does one draw the line when it comes to friendship? How do I make sure that what I tell you in absolute confidence is not going to make the rounds and come back right at me? How in the world do I feel assured that you are not lying to me, on my face, even if it is something so simple that I know the truth about?

Have you ever been there? Do you know what it feels like?

 I do and I hate that feeling of vulnerability.

I have loved to walk with my head held high knowing that I am hurting no one and no one is hurting me. Sadly, that seems to be a distant past now. I am in the middle of the biggest mess of my life that I possibly could be in. And anywhere I turn, I see only judgmental people waiting for the first opportunity to throw back those much detested words.

At this juncture, I sit and ponder, how did I even get here in the first place? And how do I get out of all this?

Few points which strike me as the answers/solutions–

a)   I am here because I trusted people too easily. I let people in to my life when they had no need or even desire to be there.

b) I gave caution to the winds when talking to people.  Lesson learnt, never be entirely truthful. A white lie never hurts. If someone asks you about your salary, tell a lie. It’s as simple as that!

c) If you ask me a question, rest assured you will get the answer for it and for the next 10 questions that you could have asked. That’s how detailed my answers always were. Now I realize what a fool I had been.

d)  How do I go from here? Do I cut people from my life? Or do I simply just keep myself away from people? Does it help to be invisible?

e) And most importantly, do I really have to care about what people talk about me? Is it enough that my close friends and family know and understand me? Sadly I know the answer to that is a no, because I am very much affected by what others around me think/say/do. It gets to me and sometimes even gets me down.
f)  Last but not the least, learn to be rude to people. I had always wondered why there is a course out there just for saying ‘No’. Ironically, I see the importance now. If I had learnt to just say a stern ‘No’ in the first place, my life could probably have been a bigger ‘YES’ now!

Great, now this is a good start. I know what my mistakes were and I know how I got here. I just need to figure out how to get out of this.

Oh. I am already writing chick flicks. I need to get out of this rut. This is so not me !

A new beginning

And the deed is done.

For the last 7 years, my blog had been my identity. I never wanted to name my blog anything but my name. I was open to sharing my opinions with the world. I was never ashamed of what I wrote here and I was more than proud to share my blog with the rest of the world. I had been proud of being honest in my actions and deeds. I don't see why I should hide away and walk. But apparently, if you try standing alone, you will only be left alone. Walk with the crowd and you turn invisible.

And today, at this crossroad in my life, my blog , like me, has to be go anonymous. Inspite of all my big words and claims, I succumb to the pressure of the external society and let my thoughts go unheard and invisible. I hope a lot of world peace is achieved with this action of mine. Because if not, somebody is going to pay for this !

I am doing this only due to the unrelenting pressure on me from every side.Oh ! If only writing wasn't my first love, I wouldn't have hesitated even a second before deleting this blog out and going on with my life. Sadly this is the first and only love I have in this world. Giving it up would kill me more than having given up my life and future.

So to everyone who had read my blog as 'deepthi' so far.. I am just 'anonymous' moving forward. And if any of you happen to stumble across this new blog link, please post a comment on how you got here ! I would love to hear from you ;) !

And oh..so as a result, I am supposed to take down my photo too. Honestly I don't see what I have written here that has irked some part of this society so much, but to ensure continued sustainability and in the interest of common happiness, that deed is done too. My picture in blogspot comes down too.

Hopefully... a new beginning......

Edited note: May 26'th 2013 - The link is back again.I just couldn't resist it. I am no invisibilitycharm or anonymous. It's back to what it should be deepthirajagopal.blogspot.com and that's what it will be. If this causes world war 3..big deal !! All I can say is 'I don't care !

Dead or Divorced

I thought ‘Death’ meant the end of life as we know it. But apparently there is one more ‘D’ letter word which also technically denotes the end of life – ‘Divorce’.

            - Oh my god ! She is divorced and still on Facebook?

            -  Oh dear lord ! She is listening to music and raving about it?

            - She is still blogging?

            - She is still working and going out where people gather?

            - Why is she dressing up?

            - Why does she have a smile on her face?

This is just a sample of what comes your way if you are out of a marriage.

 Well, excuse me my dear ignorant human beings. But when someone gets a divorce, technically, they don’t slash off their eyes, ears or limbs. They pretty much still let us go out as the people we walked in. So I am still alive, breathing and very much capable of seeing, hearing, understanding and sometimes even participating in what goes on around me.

Just because my marriage didn't work out, don’t make me an outcast. I am still the same breathing walking talking person that I used to be. Probably a bit more wiser and maybe heartbroken too, but still the same person.

It takes two to make or break a marriage. Why is the girl always the scapegoat?

A 5 year old is raped, it’s the girl’s fault.

A marriage breaks, it’s the girl’s fault.

For heaven’s sake, give me a break ! 

If you cannot stand my updates on Facebook, get yourself knocked out of my list. I have absolutely no complaints. In fact I couldn't be more thankful !

I have a life and I have people who care for me and are worried about me and want to see me happy. I intend to live for them. It’s the least I can do.  I cannot live my life in a shell.

So, one marriage dint work out. For someone like me who believed that, to be married and settled is the ultimate aim in life, this was a huge eye opener. No. Life doesn't end with a marriage nor does it end with the termination of one. For people who find this concept preposterous, please feel free to borrow my shoes and walk in them. If you can get as far as I have, you have my respect and you have every right to judge me. But if you don’t, then shut your freaking mouth and stay away from me.

It is not easy being a single girl working away from family and dear ones. And now not possible all the more so, cause I don’t have a husband. Do you know what all goes into maintaining a home? Do you know how increasingly difficult it is to achieve all these despite being a girl? Do you even remotely understand how important and necessary it is for a girl to maintain her dignity and self respect and yet still have a social face and life? Do you know what it is like to be living a life where you are judged, scorned and looked down upon at every single day?

 If you have the answers to any of these questions, well then I guess you should have a fair idea of where I am coming from.

I am human.  Once was a mistake, but don’t judge me because of it. I will never regret or apologize for what happened. I will also never stand being taken for granted. I was never a feminist. Don’t make me one. 

I still believe there are a few good men out there and I respect them for the wonderful job they are doing in taking care of the women in their life. And yes, I envy those women too. I will be honest about it. But there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I have no idea what the message of this post of mine is. But it’s just a vent of my frustration at this point.

I just need the right to live, like every other regular girl on the face of this earth.. with a smile on my face and a tomorrow to look forward to.  Don’t come around ruining it for me. If you cannot help me, so be it. Don’t pull me down. Just let me be.

Declutter

You cant live in the past.

because no matter how tightly you hold on

...............its already gone !

The unframed frames

It's only going to sting a little bit and then its all good - said the doctor to me. I believed him. After all, I have always hated getting shots and every bit of consoling helps. But the doctor always lied to me. It stings not just a bit, but a lot. The sight of the blood oozing into the syringe dazes me and I am always left numb and throbbing.

The attorney also told me the same thing - it's going to hurt only a little bit, and it will all be over soon. He was lying too.

It's been so many days, weeks, months now. But the pain hasn't numbed at all. It's not the pain of what is lost. It's the fear of what's in store which hurts. The loneliness, the agony, the humiliation, the clarifications, the explanations - these are what hurts. The few good memories that were there are cast away by the misery which engulfs now.

I have been through this road before, a few years ago. When there was less at stake to lose and the hurt was probably lesser. But little did I know that it would catch up to me so very soon. The psych tells me to keep a journal to lessen my anxiety. My journal, which the world scrutinizes for every aspect of my life. Little does he know that it would only increase my anxiety more. But I decide to venture a risk nevertheless. After all, when all is lost, what's there to fear.

So now, I stand by to pick up the remnants of a life that never was and clear the debris away. The question is not 'Why'. It's 'Why me?'

As I smash the perfect frame which I had gifted myself to put in the perfect picture and watch it crumble to bits, I feel a relief I haven't felt in ages. Letting go was the easy and the wise part. Living on is the scary and difficult truth. It's not a 'You & Me', not a 'We' either. It's simply a plain 'I'.. today and tomorrow.


For the first time in my life, I hunt for a new motto to embrace.

'Smile like you have never cried
Fight like you have never lost
Love like you have never been hurt
Live like there's no tomorrow '..  easier said than done !

The elastic heart

For some weird reason, this had been a title stuck in my head for a very long time and I found it quite catchy. For the past couple of years,I have been toying with the idea of trying to come up with a nice post to go for it. And today I see the irony of it.

Elastic: As per the definition we are all familiar with, isn't it something which goes back to its original state even though it has been contracted, dilated or distorted? Well, Apparently not.


As 2 strangers we met
2 strangers we part.
Some journeys last a lifetime
Some take a lifetime away.
                                        - - - Deepthi

Dreams of the past

It was in the middle of the crowded platform that I first laid my eyes on him. For the first time again, after 10 long years.

Nothing about him had changed. He still wore his hair messy. His T-shirt was still as colorful as the 20 yr old used to wear. His smile still went all the way to his eyes.

I was amazed at how much I could still remember of him, of us, like it was all just yesterday. My heart still skipped a beat, even today.

We had been lovers...still are. We never broke up. We just broke apart.

When the fun filled college romance days got over, we each went our ways to make a place for ourselves in this big world. But we were still in the same town, under the same roof, living as one, until he went abroad for a long term assignment.  Little did we know that the long term was going to be 10 long years. We never said goodbye.

I know what his favorite food is. I know what he looks like waking up in the morning. I love his husky morning voice. I know how he likes his tea - black, 1 spoon sugar with a pinch of ginger in it.I know he doesn't like his ironed shirts to be folded. I know he doesn't throw his socks around.
I know...

The sound of the approaching train woke me up from my reverie and I turned to look at him once more. To make sure that it was indeed him, my first and only love.

He had heard my heartbeat. For the first time in 10 years our eyes met, ever so gingerly. But the flick of recognition in his eyes lasted only a fraction of a second.

We waited till the platform cleared from the crowd of the train which had just arrived.

With bated breath, I waited for him to make the first move. He did.

He walked towards me... with his 3 year old son holding onto his arms and his beautiful wife by his side.

'It's a big surprise running into you here. How are you? It's been so long'

I knew there was no going back, even if it only meant turning the time machine 10 years behind.With this realization dawning on me, I had only one response to offer to his friendly reintroduction.

'Pardon me, but do I know you? Have we met before?'

And that is how we broke up..10 years after we broke apart.

You & I

It's just a silver ring, I say.
Yes, but it's what you got me, he tells me.

Why don't you go out for a walk?
I rather spend that time here with you.

You look dumb with your hair so short.
But you hate my messy hair when I let it grow.

Why do you always want to hold my hands?
Because your's fit perfectly into mine.

Why can't you cook for a change?
Because you are the best cook I have ever seen.

You are a terrible kisser.
I have kissed only you.

Will you ever leave me and go?
Yes, If you find someone who can love you more than I do.

I have been talking only about you, Don't you want to ask me anything back?
I have also been talking only about you. All my replies have 'you' in it.

Why is it always a choice of either giving 'up' or giving 'in'?
Have you considered giving 'back'?

Just a day older..not so wiser !

This is probably the first post, I am not going to be putting up in my social networking site and shout out about. No harm in doing that, or so I thought. But then, apparently we are at an age where even disclaimers are never understood !

My writings are not always about me. Some of them are, some aren't. 

My writings aren't always true. Some may have happened, some may probably be the way I had hoped it would happen and some are probably what I hope will happen.  

But sharing these thoughts in an open forum made me the center of scrutiny in every aspect of my life. I want to spare myself that agony. I love writing, but I hate the fact that people use it to judge me.

Go on. Judge me if you so want to. I take the bliss in knowing that me and only me knows the truth (or hidden lies) in every word in my posts ! That is a good feeling and I don't mind enjoying it for a while.

And thus I embark onto today's post and my first one for this year. 

My inspiration for this post: Solitude! 

The only birthday I have spent in absolute solitude, confined to the 4 walls of my house. It's not that I dint try. I feel enlightened. It gave me a lot of 'Me' time.

If you ask me how I wanted this day to be. I would have loved to be woken up by  Hobbes barking and licking away my face. Be dragged out of bed by amma and make an early morning visit to the temple. Be swamped by flowers and gifts by near and loved ones. Cut a cake lighted up by 29 glowing candles. Blow them out with one swift gush of breath and pray out my heart's biggest wish. Have everyone sing out the 'Happy birthday' song. Go out for an outstanding dinner treat with my friends. Fun, laughter, teases, friendly punches. It would have been a day to remember, like all my other birthdays.

And how did this day turn to be..well that's a memory I take to the end.

I guess I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, hoping for the wrong people to do the right things or the right people to do... anything... maybe !

This is going to be a post I am going to regret when I wake up tomorrow morning.  But I am not letting this one come down. Certainly not one of my best work at all, but someday I can sit and think as to how much of what I wrote here was true or wasn't true ! Spending a birthday alone can crack anyone up I guess and a birthday spent with no cakes, flowers or gifts, well ... ... Happy birthday to me ! I just hope turning 30 wouldn't be so uneventful ! The last year I get to say 'In my twenties'..toast away !

It rained in my heart

Yet another day 

And more lies.

I believe you

And you are all smiles.

A fool in love

I am not.

Trust in love

is what I was taught.

You are happy

you fooled me again.

Just to keep you happy

I act the fool again.

Twelve minutes to Twelve

I am always in hurry. Today was no different either. Leaving for work on time in the mornings can be a huge challenge for me. And invariably it still means I end up at least 10 minutes late too. But today was destined to be different and I had no idea about that when I woke up.Oh! except maybe for the date 12.12.12, the last one of its kind in this century!

As was routine, while rushing out of the apartment, the lighted oil lamp is always the last thing which usually catches my attention and I end up running all the way back in just to put it out and then rush out again.

Well, if superstitions are to be believed, getting back in after leaving your house in the morning is considered to bring ill luck, which would mean that I am knowingly bringing in ill luck everyday. But I don't believe in that and so far I have had nothing to complain about how my days have ever been.

Like I said, today was no different. The door was just about to be shut and that's when I noticed the slight yellow glow still blinking in the otherwise dark room and I curse myself for forgetting it again and run back in. As was habit, I try to put it out with a swift flick of my palm.

Usually, one swift flick and its done. I don't bother to give a second look.I mumble a small apology to the entire bulk of gods seated there and run out grabbing my heavy bag. Today, however, the one swift flick resounded in a loud thud metallic sound and the next thing I know, I have a half broken lamp lying near my feet with the hot oil spilled in a random fashion on the floor below, the carpet and the wall next to it. The lamp has been put out, but this was not how I had intended it to.

My heart skipped a beat and something in my head kept on  saying 'this has to definitely mean something bad'. I was still late and I run out to get into my car. All the while on my drive to work, I expected to be run down by someone or something ! Reached work safe and sound.

So I guess the bad luck wasn't on me after all.  But I still had to be sure. I called up every single person in every corner of the world who held a place in my heart. For every missed call, my heart skipped a beat again. But when the text sound beeped in my mobile, I breathed in relief again. So that was not it either.

I checked my emails every half hour to make sure I was still employed. That was going good too.

I never usually disturb him while we are at work, but today I just had to make sure. So I kept calling him way too often and he was very patient about it too.

Finally when I did reach back home, I looked over and promised them a new lamp very soon and told them not to try any more new tricks this time ! I was pretty sure they got the idea. Relieved I hit the sack and slept like a baby.

The pang of hunger woke me up around 11:30 PM and I wake up not too happy that there's still half an hour left to go of this bad luck day. But I console myself. After-all what could possibly go wrong in just half an hour.

After fixing myself a nice quick dinner, I come to turn on my laptop.

1 unread email. From him. I wonder why he emails. Usually it's a call or a text. I open it.

Hi,

I hope you are not too surprised by this email. But I just dint have the courage to tell this to you on call. Hence the email. 

Well, the big news is I am getting married and yes, its not to you. I am sorry, but you know how it is. Family,age ,religion and social circle. I wish I had a better answer for you. She is very nice too. Dint get to spend too much time with her yet, but I have an entire lifetime to do that now. 

You are great too, but its just not us. I hope you understand.Thanks for everything.

Love,
X

And I look at the time, 12 minutes to 12 on 12/12/12, the last one of it's kind in this century.

So this day was special and superstitions are true too...

Ex bashing

So now that the cat’s out of the bag, I have come to realize how curiosity indeed kills the cat. I lose count of the number of people who have approached me just to ask me what went wrong. And in most of them, I see the sadistic pleasure of hoping to hear the worst. So I purposefully avoid any explanations and keep the story to the bare minimum. Seeing their face fall flat down is my version of self-sadistic feeling.

And of all the zillion questions that have been thrown at me, the most obvious one is ofcourse as why there is no ‘ex-bashing’ in my blog. Why am I not playing any blame game and hurling abuses? Why this diplomacy?

 And today I break my silence on it. Here’s my answer to it.

There is no ex-bashing in any of my writings, because no matter what the current situation is, at one point of time in my life, this was the person I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with, to grow old with and to have a family with. And this decision was something I had taken when my mind was wide awake and not forced into. Clearly we had seen something then. A dream we hoped to turn into reality. How many times have we woken up from a dream and wished we hadn’t dreamt it? How many times have we tried to relive the same dreams in our minds in the hope that someday it might turn true?

Just because some dreams turned sour, it doesn’t make either one of us a bad person.

Life is all about realizing when to turn back, when to move on and when to just stop making excuses.

And thus one such day, I decided to stop making excuses, face the truth and live it up.

So next time you come probing with more questions in regard to my personal life, this link is where you will be auto redirected to. This is all that you need to know. After all…..it’s my life.

See Paris for me...

I turned back to give one last look at the magnificient lighted up Eiffel tower in front of me and I could feel the beauty of it spell bound me again. I was finding it hard to fight back and pull myself away from its overwhelming aura. My teary eyes made it impossible to keep looking at it for long.

I was here to live a dream. And it's now no longer in the bucket list. Time for me to drag my bags and head away.

I pulled out the faded crumpled paper and that was the last check in it. Last destination - crossed and complete. End of a lifetime's dream.

' So you promise to marry me ? '. The 18 year old me was excited and bubbly.

'Yes My dear. Absolutely'. He had replied.

'I want to tour the world. Do you promise to take me? I want to see Paris, Italy, sit in the gondola in Venice, ski in Switzerland, have waffles in Belgium, stuff myself with donuts and cheesecake from USA, pluck a maple leaf in Toronto and honeymoon in Seychelles. Can you do all this for me'?

At that age, these were what appealed to me about marriage.

Without the slightest hesitation, he promised me every single thing I wanted. A roof over my head, a hand to hold when we walked, a hug to cheer me up,a good night kiss every night, a house bustling with family and friends.. he promised me my every wish.

In return, I assured him to be the ideal wife, daughter-in-law and a mother anyone would be proud of.

And then we grew up.....

....Or maybe just he did.

Cause I still hung onto the promises made to me when I was 18.

At long last, when we did finally tie the knot, I waited for him to surprise me and start living the dream built over the years.

I waited for years for the Seychelles honeymoon he promised.

My extended hands were left unheld, until at last they decided to stay where they were to, by my side, hanging listless and unheld.

The good night kisses I blew out into the darkness remained haunting.

Paris, Italy and the gondola's in Venice remained cut-out's from magazines in my albums.

Now at 62, when I finally made it to my honeymoon, I refused to let my spirits die cause I was travelling alone and had lived alone. I had made it. So what if there was no husband to capture my photographs while I lived my every dream. The memories were imprinted in my memory for ever.

I wasnt a bride without a honeymoon. I was the bride who lived her honeymoon 34 years after her wedding.... by herself.

After all, somebody had to listen to my heart. She had whispered 'See paris for me...'

A walk past midnight

The unrelenting rain crashed on the car creating a bigger thunderous effect than it actually was. The FM was playing some random music which I could in no way relate to but was still finding solace in.

The cab was full.. with an assorted mix of people from different background, different lives but doing the same work. Now heading back to their warm homes after a hard day's work. I tried reading into their minds. Some looking forward to sharing the day's mishaps with the dear ones waiting back home. Or to just reach home and top off the day with a neat whisky or maybe to follow some random updates on facebook.. but every face did speak a plan. Some hope. Something to look forward. I avoided the mirror. I knew what was in store for me and I dint need a second look to affirm to it for me.

My colleague's phone buzzed. Ecstatic, she picks the phone and whispers 'Yes baby. Will be home in 20 minutes. yes I will text you'. I look at her. she studies my quizzical look for a minute and then explains to me as to how her husband gets worried each time she is out on the night shift. How he thinks the night time isnt safe for his perfect angel. I smile. She smiles too. She takes out her phone again and as promised, texts him of our cab's location.

I decided to be brave too and venture a risk. I take out my phone and compose a text. Nothing big. Just a small two letter word. A 'Hi'. I choose his number and click on send.

Crazy instinct I must admit, but it's been an action I always regret. Each time.Every single time. As soon as it has been done. This time was no different either. I should have known better than to have been stupid. Again.

I tried racking my brains to think of one person in this whole world who would be worried if I was to inform that I was out, at night, all by myself. Would it matter to you that I was out this late?

One sure bet was my parents. But then hey, I guess I have already given them enough headache as it is. The last thing I would want them to do is sit up late at night worrying about my return. But then it was definitely a consolation to know that there are still a few extended hands to fall back into.

But you know what I mean, dont you. That's not what I was talking about. That's not the concern I am concerned about here. Day after day, when I travel back in the wee hours and the entire world is silent and where there are worried husbands, love struck boyfriends or even a attempting to be a boyfriend calling up each and every single number in my cab, I cannot help but think, where did i go wrong?

Why is there a wrong notion that I am independent? Which aspect of me shouts out to people to leave me alone. Why do I not get to be someone's princess, someone's delicate angel, someone's hearing post who gets to hear sweet nothings whispered all day and all night long? I would love to cuddle and sleep. Spoon me all night long and put me to sleep. Sing a song in my ear and wake me up in the morning. Treat me to a bar of chocolate or a bunch of flowers. Surprise me with a gift. Take me out to a park or a beach or a movie or even to your friend's party. Share the space in my couch with me, watch a noon show on tv with me, share a few laughs with me..

The blaring honking of the car jerked me out of my dream world and I look around. Our cab's been hit. Talk about everything which can go wrong and apparently it does!

A very apologetic driver turns to us and tells us that we have to find our own means to get back. Out comes all mobile phones again. The frantic better halves are already on their way to pick up their dear ones and get them transported home... away in safety.

It's 2AM. I still sit by the pavement on the road and watch as each and every single one in the cab are received by welcoming extended arms. The last one to leave, looks back at me and questions very gingerly 'Are you sure there's absolutely no one to pick you up? We could have given you a lift, but we are headed the other way you know. Really sorry'.

I give her my most charming smile and tell her that its absolutely fine. She has no idea that I am already used to this. Used to this feeling of not having expectations, of not having the right to dream and of not having a tomorrow to look forward to.

Solitude is an infection. It's gotten to me and I know its not easy to get rid of. Bear it and move on. That's the remedy my shrink suggested.

I decided to do what I always do best. Make the worst choice and hope that its for the best. I start walking to my house. It's still raining and its still past 2AM, but I know there is no one up and awake waiting to hear of my safe arrival at an empty house with an empty bed.

I wake up to the sound of an incoming text message next afternoon. 'Mobile was silent.Saw your text now'.......

A first proposal...

Will you marry me? Please..

I look down at the bright shining eyes looking at me with so much adoration that I felt my heart melt away and along with it, I could also feel all my worries just give way. The world seemed a much better place to live. Life looked beautiful again. I felt pretty again...But this was a question, I know I can never say 'Yes' to.

But yet again, looking down at that bright face with so much expectations on his earnest face, I just couldnt make myself speak out the much detested 'No'.

No, I dint want to be the first girl who has ever broken his heart. He would only remember me for that, for the rest of his life. The girl who rejected his first ever proposal. I might even scar him for life. He might never again be able to propose another girl.

But then, he's only 4 now ! He has got plenty of time left in his life to get back up on his feet and fall in love again.

And as for me, I am already 26 and this was the closest anyone had ever come to proposing me ! Oh dear.. was I in a dilema or what ! I burst out laughing and my youngest suitor again looked up at me in astonishment.

It's not like he was on the floor, propped on one knee with a ring in one hand and waiting for my answer. He popped the question to me while playing with his train set and he was still busy playing with it, unheedful of my answer to his question.

My curiousity entirely peaked, I ask him 'Okay. So tell me why do you want to marry me?'

Still playing, he replies 'I love the chocolate milk shake you make. I love the way you make the faces on my sandwich you know. All my friends are so jealous of my sandwiches.I dont let them touch it you know. And you buy me better clothes than mummy. Mummy doesnt know to spike my hair either'.

'Hmm..but I still do all that for you na, just like your mummy. Why do you want to marry me?' I probe the little mind again.

He looks up at me and speaks out with full honesty 'Mummy is already married to daddy na. But you are not married to anyone. Thats why I will marry you. So you be here with us full time ok'.

And I hug the little one so tight he screams to be let go and curses me for spoiling his well spiked hair ! And I still burst out laughing looking at my first ever little suitor, who so genuinely offered to be by my side for the rest of our lives.

Well, he is 6 years old now. Still a very very long way to go for him to get married. But the day he finds his beautiful princess and offers her his heart. I am going to swoop down and accuse him for not marrying me as he promised ! Until then, I bask in the glory of the most innocent marriage proposal I ever got !

Indian summer

'Hey..looks like you bought along the Indian summer with you to Ireland'.

Hearing the word 'Indian', I turn around and I see a friendly faced stranger smiling and walking towards me. I was on my way back after a weekly shopping spree and was enjoying a leisurely stroll in an entirely new neighborhood. He catches up to where I was standing and smiles again 'Lovely weather aint it..like I said..I believe you bought the Indian summer along with you'.

I smiled back at him and agreed wholeheartedly with his statement.
He: 'I am headed this way too.. Mind if I walk along?'
Me: 'Not at all !'

I had read a gazillion times on how people out here are very friendly and that I shouldn't be surprised if a total stranger approached for small talk. But I had decided to still keep my self defence mentality alert (years of living in India and I was automatically attuned to it). I had never really bothered to pay any heed to anyone or anything around me when I was outside. But today was a beautiful day. Lovely sunshine and a cool pleasant breeze, I had let my guard down and was totally enjoying the day. Hence I figured, I might as well enjoy a total stranger's conversation too. And so we walked.

He was from Ireland. An artist by profession. Not young but not too old either. We had walked for almost 20 minutes. He told me a lot about this country. It's culture, people, food. Told me about places I should visit.. not the regular ones updated in the tourist information links online..but of the hidden beauty of Ireland. He talked in length of the sceneries an artist's brush strokes had duplicated and framed. He quoted some lovely poems describing the beauty of both Ireland and India. In fact he even took me by surprise when he sang the first two lines of the Indian national anthem. While we waited for the pedestrian light to turn green, he unrolled his latest masterpiece and showed me the lovely scenery he was currently painting, along with the photo of the place he had captured to help in replicating it.

Nevertheless to say, it was the best walk ever. I had never realized how easy it was to start a conversation with an absolute stranger. He never asked my name. And neither did I. The entire conversation was about the history, the geography, the deep blue skies, food and almost everything under the sun, except for any details about the 2 individuals who was conversing.

When we reached the cross-points where we are to head off in different directions, he gives me one last statement 'Like 2 people who meet in a train or flight, our paths crossed too. Enjoyed the walk with a lovely lady by my side and if fated, may our paths cross again. Enjoy your stay in Ireland. May you find as much beauty in this lovely land as I did.'

With a 'cheers' we moved on, in different directions.

This day has definitely been one to remember. It's only been sundown since this and I don't even recall the stranger's smiling face. I am pretty sure I would not even recognize him even if our paths ever cross..nor would he recognize me. But the conversation and the wonderful words are imprinted in a tucked away corner of my memory. A day I experienced the little bout of friendliness which added a lot of color to my otherwise listless day. A day to remember.. the day an absolute stranger bought a lasting smile on my face for the day! Thank you stranger..whoever and wherever you are...!

Cheers !!

I phone..but not iPhone !

This post is in context with a conversation I had with a dear friend back home a couple of days ago. As an intro, this is how the conversation started

Call from my tesco mobile(Love the call rates to India on this one !) to her vodafone number in India: Ahh well maybe for added emphasis..from my nokia phone to her 'iPhone'.

Me: Heyyyy !!
She: Deeeeepss !! OMG..its you.. lovely to hear your voice!

And then a whole lot of nonsensical futile exchange of words... and then..

She: Oh god ! Deeps..please tell me you are not calling me from that battered old nokia phone of yours ! Please tell me you got yourself an iPhone, atleast now.

Now I was intrigued.

Me: Isnt it enough that I care enough to spend money and give you an ISD call... you want me to spend more money and call you from an iPhone? How does it matter?

She: aah..well forget it !
She gives me a proverb in malayalam..which I rather leave out untranslated here for the sake of my reputation.

She: But honestly, people go to UK, US or anywhere abroad and the first few things they do..upgrade their laptop and mobile phone..you know..get a mac and an iPhone...Sending you to Dublin is just a total waste! You havent even bought anything worthwhile..

And well..more accusations in this line of thinking came lashing out at me from her.

Me: Ok sister ! Now you just crossed the line..it takes a lot to get me pissed off and you just succeeded. I am hanging up now..

she: ok... so I will hear the rest of this in your blog ;)..I know you write about things you cannot actually tell people on their face...see ya love !

Omg.. She literally left me sitting there with the phone still in my ear.. she did know me too well. It took me a couple of days..but yes..she was right..here I am writing about it in my blog and to fill it in with my counter statements on it !

And yes.. I use my blog as a weapon to talk about things which I otherwise can never do face to face.

I am a very bad 'arguer'. I cannot come up with counter statements immediately. At best I need atleast a day to plan my statements! This has been very nicely made use of by all my friends and my dear and near ones for their benefit. But hey, its the drawback of being a capricorn.. I like an organized flow of thought and I hate to be unprepared !

Anyways moving on to the topic of interest here...
It's true..I havent got myself a new phone or a new laptop..and why should i? My nokia works just as fine as it did all the past few years..and my HP Lappy..well..let's just say its not exactly my best friend now...but it's still around to keep me sane enough.

And to be honest.. I am NOT a fan of the iPhone..why is it so hard for people to get it into their heads?

Don't get me wrong.. I love steve jobs..I adore the man ! And I love the iPad (Missed it twice in a lucky draw so far!) and the iPod..but I just don't like the iPhone! I mean..why would I pay so much to buy a phone and then pay more to get the apps I want to use..and then sit and configure it all by my own? And to top it all..no in-built radio???? That's like the all time low for me..!

Ya..tell me to use itunes and set up my playlist..but hey no thanks..I don't like to decide my playlist..I like to enjoy the random playlist chosen by some random person in some random location ! I love the element of surprise in it.. I literally jump with glee..if my favourite song is played on the radio..and I practically frown and pout if it's something I hate.. I love this enactment. Call me silly..call me old school..but this are few things in my day which I love to do. I don't want to ruin it by going all mechanical and setting up the playlist..I don't want to know that the next one to be played is my favourite song..it takes out the fun.

When I was in europe last year..I loved the french radio. I had no clue about the songs or the lyrics..but I simply loved it. And I am not even sure if it was french either..all i knew was..it definitely wasnt english and I loved it. I could never track the favourite songs in that because I had no idea how to search for it in google..and I know that if ever I hear those songs again, I will definitely jump high in joy!

oh..and getting back on track.. yes so I am not fond of the iPhone.But I love the games on it. was hooked onto the ninja fruit slash for a very long time and angry birds. In fact, one time in a shopping mall in bangalore, they had the angry birds set up in the kids section to play. Well, I went ahead and threw the bird so far and so high up, I just missed the perfume section by a fraction! That was the end of my angry birds ..

I am sentimental about my phone and my gadgets. I cannot discard them just cause something new has come up.If they are working just fine and serves my purpose, I rather stick on to it. I loved my nokia 1101 which I used in college. It was and still is my favourite ! Even when all of my friends graduated to camera phones, I held on to it for 4 years..until a fall from the 5'th floor made my lil phone breathe it's last :( !

And even if I do change my phone ever, it's definitely not going to be a iPhone. I want a 3D phone!

But moving on, if you my friend have a problem in me giving you a call from my battered old nokia, I suggest you get yourself a phone id installed instead of a caller id and pick calls only from your favourite phones !

And ps: I know you are reading this..so the foot note is..Yes I am still royally pissed at you.You know all the relevant dates. Keep the flowers and gifts coming and maybe I will consider forgiving you :P ! And thanks for the inspiration..you gave me something different to write about !

Colors

In the mood for a bit of color today..changed the blog layout ;) ! Been all white and drab for a long long time.. now I want to get a feeling of the lovely colors around ! Spring is in full bloom..and so is my blog !
Happy to be alive !

Conversations

Well well.. Looks like I am on a roll ! Totally absorbed into the poetic mood today. My last one for the day today :) !

Every conversation needs words
But you entwined ours 
with just fleeting glances distorts.


My persuasion in full eagerness
desperately I yearned for your tenderness.
I knew better than to wait for it
But a small part of me still believed in it.


I waited for the day to come
When the depth of my words are no longer numb.
But like every other promise 
this too was just, yet another sacrifice.


A look, a touch
these I miss much.
Your Silence is deafening
when my heart is wrenching.


I plucked a silence from you
I plucked a silence from me
And I entwined it into a conversation of sorts.
But you still gave me fleeting glances distorts
and every conversation needs words.

Sleepless in Dublin !

On a normal weekday, I struggle to wake up in time to even make it to my bus at 8:15AM for work. Come weekend and I am wide awake by freaking 5:30AM! Totally bugged with this unfortunate turn of events and since I have nothing better to do so early in the morning, I have decided to vent this out in my blog.

Oh dear lord, its going to be one long long saturday and just when I thought I could atleast sleep the day off!

I guess my post title should be 'Sleep less' on weekdays and 'Sleepless' on weekends ! Wish there was some gadget in blogspot where I can set this to change based on the day !

Moving on, that's another fact I am loving about this place. Its so much fun to just stay huddled in the blanket. The weather is always so cold ! Every morning, waking up is like taking a dip into an icy cold frozen pond. I test the air around by just keeping a toe outside the blanket to see how cold it really is and then gradually let myself out of the cozy comforts of the warm duvet and make a dash to get dressed for work !

In my every day phone conversations with my mom, she tells me how very hot it is back in India.. I never have the heart to tell her I am literally freezing away here. This is probably the first May in my entire lifetime that I am spending huddled up and in a sweater literally the entire day. Had I been back home like every other May's in the past, I would be walking around with a big bottle of frozen water, trying to find some spot where the breeze is just mildly hot and praying for ways to keep the sun away atleast for an hour. Now I realize how unrelenting the summers in India really are. The blazing sun, the tiring heat, the hot hot hot winds and to top it all, no water and electricity supply !

My last few summers in Bangalore were terrible. Invariably we were always out of water every 3 months in the peak of summer. Waiting for those big tankers with their water supply was like a torture. Those truck drivers assumed the role of rain gods and oh god so were their prices (It was sky high) !

The heights of this torture session is when the electricity board authorities decide to taunt us by turning off the power exactly at mid afternoon. There have been days when we have even walked down to the offices and pleaded to the authorities to turn the power back on but to no avail. Its always some issue with some line in some far off place which has burnt down and needs to be replaced. What I never understood was why does the line burn off exactly at 2PM every single weekend !

All said and done, after surviving so many summers in India, it's fun to experience a new kind of summer here. A summer with water supply, power supply and temperatures in single digits !

Have I told this before here? I am in love.... with Dublin.

Europe had always been my dream destination. And this place is exactly how I had dreamed it to be. Quaint, green and so very pleasant. Just taking a walk around is so reassuring. I had been on a long walk around my office yesterday and I just couldn't make myself turn back and walk. It's what a hill station back home would be like ! No high rise glass buildings to obstruct the view of the sky. No shade of green in the trees are alike..it's like an artist's painting of what god wanted a beautiful view to be like.. Just perfect !

Yes, its true I miss the chaos back home but I love the peace here too. And all this say without even going on a single sightseeing tour here. I have been here almost 2 months and till date, I haven't visited a single place other than my office, despite the fact that one of most famous landmark here, the St.Patrick Church is right at my doorstep and with all the other major attractions being just a small walking distance apart ! I had made a huge list of all the places I wanted to see here in Dublin, the top rated being 'Glendalough', the lovely location where P.S I Love You was shot. But I guess all that will have to wait. And ya, I know this post is a stark contrast to my previous one below. But I guess 2 months is long enough time for anyone to get over homesickness and I am back on track !

Right now, I need sleep !!! It's a weekend for heavens sake and I just cannot be staying up so wide awake !
I just know that all this lost sleep in going to swoop down on me on a monday morning, when even the extra 5 minutes I shut my eyes turns out to be 2 long hours ! And since I am so bugged this particular morning, I do not choose a picture to go along with this post, unlike my every other post ! Hmph...weekend..humbug !