6 - Impossible....For us.

It was ideal. 

He liked her. She liked him. He made her smile. 

They could talk. And she wanted to. 
She hoped he wanted it too. Or so she thought.

He was in a new affair. A new face. A new name. Everyday.
And she wondered, if they were all very pretty and intelligent.
It bothered her so much that she never asked him, ever.

She was... well, out of an affair. 'Relationship', if you don’t find that word comfortable.

She enjoyed today with him. Tomorrow she stored up conversations to repeat to him. The day after existed too, but not very clearly. 

She dwelt on 'maybe'.

For a person who wasn't able to love someone whom she was in love with, being faithful had never been an issue. 

For someone who was self protective, he didn't want to love. And he wasn't sure if he wanted her to love him. He might be unfaithful. 

Everyone except the two of them knew it was love.

She really didn't know. She knew she could. She didn't know if she already had.

He didn't. Or maybe he didn't know. That's what he said. Or pretended. 

Looking was easy. Seeing was incomprehensible. 

Author's Note, 26'th september 2013
I saw this lying in my drafts folder. Tweaked it a bit and posted it here. Now I wonder if this was all entirely my work. Trying to figure out how and why it's been in my draft's folder for the last almost 4 years :(.

5 - Chapatti and ice cream for one please

‘She will have one chapatti and the Dal. I will have 1 plate chicken Dum biriyani with 2 eggs and the boondi raita'.

I sat bewildered and before I could react, the petite dainty waitress was already on her way to the next table to take orders.

‘Are we on a budget here? ‘ – I ask him.

‘No. Why do you ask’

‘Well cause, I would have preferred to eat more than just one chapatti and 3 spoons of dal’. I couldn't hide the sarcasm from my voice. Nor the pangs of my hunger.

He started laughing.

I didn't see the joke.

He looked my way and he realized I wasn't joking.

‘Are you serious? Come on now, you are a girl’.

Now I burst out laughing.

He looked offended. Apparently that wasn't my cue to laugh. Nor was it his attempt at making a joke.

‘Do explain’. I urge him.

‘You know. Girls never have more than chapatti. In fact they cannot even have the one chapatti. In all my other dates, I have had the girls waste away so much food, I felt my fingers burn when I paid for it from my wallet. ’

‘Moreover. You don’t need to have a healthy appetite. You can do with a bit of dieting. After all, isn't it a fad among all girls to be on constant diets?’

He was proud in displaying his wisdom on what he assumed was unique to the species called ‘girls’.

‘So who exactly wrote this rule book that you are quoting from?’ I can never resist being sarcastic when it comes to any ‘Mr. Know it all’.

‘Hey! it’s general knowledge. Girls don’t like to eat. There is nothing for you to take offence on.’ He still stood his ground.

‘Well, I am not sure I understand your point, but are you telling me that being a girl, I shouldn't feel hunger?’  - I needed him to clarify.

‘Yes. Girls are all about being dainty. I am surprised you are even arguing with me on this fact. Girls don’t argue and girls don’t have a big appetite’.

For the rest of the dinner, I ate my 1 chapatti in silence.

As my reward, after dinner, I hear him tell the waitress ‘1 black-current ice-cream for the lady here please’.

I am not a fan of ice creams but I absolutely hate black-current.

However, I do know a lost cause when I see one. 

4 - Love at first sight

I was just taking a stroll in the aisle with no particular intention in mind. And that is when I laid eyes on the most beautiful creation, tucked away in a corner of the shelf. I am guessing no one had a chance to see it, cause if they were to, it wouldn't be lying there still..for me.

Love at first sight.. on the most beautiful bracelet I had seen. It had all my favorite colors. The pattern was delicate. 

The price was outrageous. But I knew I had to own it. At any cost. Even if it meant I go hungry for the next 2 days.

And that is how I bought my love home, even though the affair was just a few minutes in the billing counter.

The prettier it gets, the tougher it is to flaunt.

I spend the next 6 hours trying to clasp it on my hands. Desperately.

After the multiple futile attempts I decided to venture out and knock on his door.

'I need you to clasp this on my hands for me. Please'.

Apparently it was funny. Cause he couldn't stop laughing. 

He was still amused. Even long after I left the place, with the bracelet still in my bag.

The lady in the counter questions me 'But I thought you totally loved this piece when you got it'.

'Yeah. But you really should put a tag on it - Not suitable for singles/living alone'.

I think she understood. Without another word, she processed the returns and the money was back onto my card.

The bracelet was back in the safe corner of the shelf. Now I know why it was still there, all this while, despite being so beautiful.

I was just taking a stroll in the aisle with no particular intention in mind.

3 - Third time is the charm

As I hit the backspace key on my laptop for the hundredth time, I hit the table in frustration. It's been over 2 hours that I have been staring at the blank compose page of my Gmail and trying to get a start. I knew this would be difficult, but I had no idea it would be this difficult.

I had typed 'Dear'. But I knew it wasn't fair, not to me ..or him. I wasn't 'dear' to him anymore and now I wasn't sure he was mine either. But I didn't know any other way to address him. After all, we had been dear to each other.. until just a few days ago.

I wasn't given any rule book when I fell in love. I didn't know there were if's and but's. After all I hadn't planned on falling in love and least of all, with him.

But it happened, even if neither of us had planned for it.

I remembered the fun times we had.

Like the time he voted to cook dinner and made me my favorite green bean salad. I liked it spicy. He knew it. But the first bite I took was not the bean, but the big green chilli sliced exactly like the bean. After gulping down glasses of ice cold water, we both laughed over it for hours...even while munching on the take out pizza we treated ourselves to.

I was the one who taught him how to shop. I made him realize that there is a whole new world besides the one faded blue jeans. 

He was no drop dead hunk, but he definitely was a charmer.

I had been the envy of my friends for landing this dreamboat.

I had believed it too...until the first time it happened.

It was a day not different from any other regular day. But I had been late for a meeting with his friends. I got held up in traffic. Not my fault. I knew he would be pissed, but there was nothing my smile couldn't change. Or so I thought.

The extended arm was coming for a hug is what had occurred to me. But when I felt the heat gush up to my cheeks, I felt my head reeling and time stood still..for what felt like an eternity.

In the middle of the dinner table with his friends seated, in clear view of all the guests in the classy restaurant, he had slapped me..for being 20 minutes late.

My head and dignity told me not to stay on, but my heart bade me to pull the chair and take the seat beside him. To be a lady, his lady. Even if he was not gentle or a man now.

The dinner conversation continued, but I was not a part of it. Not anymore.

He walked out with his friends and I came home.

I waited the next 28 hours for his call. For an apology. He never called. 

Despite all the warning bells in my head, I still made the call. He answered and spoke to me like he would have..on any normal day.

It took me a while, but I conceded. After all, he was still making plans with me.

Maybe he was just waiting for an opening to break the rule or maybe be liked the fact that I didn't question him. But he believed that the harshness of his rough hands on my delicate face was a right which being in a relationship bestowed on him. 

A right he felt to walk away from, if I reacted.

Third time's the charm they say. That's when I knew there would be a fourth and a fifth and maybe a tenth too. This time, I didn't wait to find out or for him to walk out. I was the first to walk out.

And that is when I ended up alone, staring into my laptop, completely unsure on if and how to invite him back.

After all, he had walked out on me a thousand times, but the first time I walked out was when he decided to end it all.

Maybe this was a clause in the rule book they are given when they are born superior. 'It takes a girl to walk out, for the relation to end.'

I honestly don't know if it's the boon or bane of my species. But I do know for a fact that the pain and humiliation is no lesser than what they might feel too.

Anyhow, the email stayed on in my drafts folder...incomplete and unsent.

I knew the scar on my face will heal in a few days. I knew the pattern now. This wasn't the first scar. But I was finally glad, this would be the last.

2 - Oceans apart and ever so close

‘Ammaaaaa’  I shriek into the phone.

‘hmmmm’ she replies.

OK tell me. So how have I pissed you off today?

What on earth are you doing with your blog? What are you writing in there? Your blog is viral again. I am tired of replying to people for your actions.

Whaattt…? Sunny Leone can get away being a porn star. Poonam Pandey can get away with stripping in public? I cannot get away with a simple blog? Since when did life get so unfair?

I don’t care. They are not my daughters. You are. And with this blog of yours, how in the world are we supposed to find a decent alliance for you?

But amma, if I wanted an alliance I would be writing in XYZmatrimony.com and not blogspot.com. And frankly, my blog should be the least of your worries in hitching me now.

"Paayaram parayalla ahangaari" (I had to put it here in the original dialect. It translates to ‘Don’ t talk arrogance’). I should have been spanking you when I had the chance. You wouldn't have grown up to back answer me like this now.

Well. You should be thankful I didn't know any child welfare society’s number as a kid. Else I am sure you would still be serving time for all the hits and miss during our maths teaching regime.

You should get a daughter just like you. I hope at-least she can teach you a lesson.

Ah yes ! So can I go ahead and adopt one.. pleaseee??

I don’t have the time for your nonsense now. Go find somebody else to irritate. I am off.

Without even waiting for me to say bye, she cuts the call. And as I sit in my car waiting for the signal to turn green, I could picture my mother’s face, from the other side of the globe, looking into the phone she just hung up on and smiling away.

My mobile beeps again. WhatsApp.

‘Drive carefully. Don’t eat Junk food. Don’t go out late’ and now I am smiling too.  

After all, it’s a mother’s heart.

I didn't have to hunt high and low for my guarding angel. I had found mine just around the corner, in the most beautiful place on earth.. Home! 

1 - The perfectly imperfect affair

I never look in the mirror twice.
I hate to see imperfections.
I can never stop looking at you.
I love perfections..
.........................Did I tell you?

Today was special.
I spent hours.
Putting on my makeup
and trying on clothes.

I never liked pink.
But I know you like girls in pink.
You think it makes them feminine.
Though you never knew
I loved sapphire blue.

I hope to catch your attention today
To tell me my efforts paid off.
That I am a sight not for sore eyes
But a sight to melt your heart.

"Trust no fair skinned woman.
She is easily led by temptation
too much of which comes her way."
My friends tell me you are a jerk
for entertaining a thought that astray.

My skin still stays fair
adorned by the pink I much detest.
And yet you never knew,
I loved sapphire blue
And a very perfect you.

365 days marathon

So here’s a thought that struck me today morning. Not original I admit. This is a tried and tested routine plenty of times. Not by me. But by others with as much free time as I have (I would assume). 

Anyways, here’s what I want to do with at-least an hour of the much wasted away time in my hands. Write a new story every day, for the next 365 days. As cliche as it sounds, I still prefer to call it the ‘365 days marathon’. And if I am going ahead, might as well go ahead all the way. So why declare it a 20 days marathon or 30 days marathon when I can be highly optimistic and hope to drag it on for 365 days !

I am hoping that this effort will give me some much needed discipline in my life and a focus so that I don’t go around roaming the entire day wondering what next.

Moreover, I do remember reading somewhere that if you do something for 21 days without a break, it becomes a habit. This is certainly a theory I am yet to fully support, so hopefully my new venture might give me a reason to believe it. That is, if I stick on to it for 21 days in the first place J.

I thought of waiting for a good date to start. I mean today is Thursday the 19th September. There is nothing significant about this date or day. I would prefer to start on a Monday or Friday or Wednesday or Sunday or a 20th or 25th … But then again, instead of waiting and postponing again, I am starting today. After all it is the 20th Friday in some part of the globe already. 

So here goes...either I turn out to be a woman of my words or a big fat liar or just yet another lady who loves to yap !

Disclaimer - I do NOT own the copyright to any of the photos published here in my blog. It's all from my ever faithful Google Images.

Writer's block

So I read an article today on http://www.dc-epaper.com which was very interesting. Turns out that not every famous author today have become who they are because they wanted to. Apparently most of them, like me, started out as a blogger, jotting their daily life events in a blog. The blog did the rounds, went on to be famous and bingo.. their first book is a best seller !

I don't dream of being an author, nor do I have the belief that any book I write is going to be a best seller, but I did get inspired from the article to do one little thing today. I have made my blog public again. I love to write. It's my biggest passion in life and right now, my biggest consolation too ! So why hide away something that I so absolutely love and am vain about? I have never claimed that everything I write in my blog is about me, or my life. A few yes, a few are just the outcome of my crazy imagination let wild..well hello..isn't that what writing is all about anyways?? And to add to the confusion, there is one aspect of my writing which I am trying to change now. I can only write in the first person. I find it more personal and makes it easier to let the emotions flow when it's a first person narrative. So if this gives out the impression that every post here is about me..I cannot argue there. But as the reader, it's upto you to decide how judgmental you want to be about me.

Am I going to lose friends because my blog is public? I say, no big deal ! I count on a few who have stood by me through thick and thin. As for the rest, it's your choice.

So here's to an open public blog again, inspite of all the roller coasters that life has been taking me through. I sure am going to miss the mystery I had created around myself. But then again, you can't win them all, can you?

A little piece of her heart

She had waited for this day to come. The day she knew that her existence as a woman would make her proud. She couldn't have been more excited. Like a little girl who's joy knows no bounds, she floated around in her little bubble of happiness.

Today as she sat in the waiting room of the hospital waiting for her turn to be called in, she was still contemplating if she was ready to be surprised after 4 months or in the next 4 minutes. As the new mother-to-be, she still had her doubts. After all, she knew she would love her baby the same even if it's a daughter or a son.

She heard the tiny heart beating away. She saw the little hands and feet try to kick and make space in the little world. The tiny mouth opening and closing.

The doctor expertly moved the apparatus so that she could see every tiny movement of her baby in the screen. And when she could no longer contain it, she let her curiosity get the better of her.

"Congratulations. It's a baby girl !" - The doctor replied back.

Back home, she stood to have a look at her baby bump. The little piece in her which protected her beautiful unborn little daughter. She knew the little one was safe in there, with no one but just her to touch and talk to.

And then she remembered what growing up felt like.

The countless times when she has been touched, groped and felt by random strangers on the road, in the bus, the multiplex. The tons of times she had refused to attend a family function or a friend's wedding, because she was petrified of that one disgusting uncle who was sure to make his presence in the function or the one brother of her friend who was going to make her feel vulnerable.

She remembered the facade of faces of the many ruthless men who felt not the slightest bit of shame in quoting obscene comments on her face or the random biker guy who felt it to be his right to violate a girl by touching her as he zipped past.

She remembered spending hours in her bath trying to scrub away the filth inflicted by such men in our society. The soapy water only helped in cleansing her physical body. Her mind was tarnished for a lifetime...by men who despite having a mother, sister or wife still felt the urge to make another girl feel like dirt.

She remembered reading the million articles in the newspapers or seeing the countless discussions in our channels highlighting rape victims and their agony. These events only reminded her that all those men from her childhood days are not only still out there, but they have grown in number too.

She thought she was past all this when she learnt to react back to such people, when she started voicing her anger towards them and retorted to their abuses in the same language they used. She felt safe in knowing that she can react back.

But today was different. Here she was today, giving those misfortunes of god, one more victim to harass, to torture and to feel like dirt all over again...her beautiful unborn baby girl.

The little baby is still yet to see the light of the day in this world and her mother is already feeling helpless.. helpless for the little piece of her heart which she was going to be bringing out in this world in the hope that she can save her and protect her.

For the first time in the last 5 months, her bubble of joy burst and she cried inconsolably....

What do you call this

A fleeting glance or a sharp look 

The hint of a smile or the twitch of a smirk 

A story told without a word 

In the silent language, only faces work

A furrowed brow that speaks of doubt 

A softened gaze that whispers care 

The thousand things we dare not say 

Hang unspoken in the air

For every truth we try to hide 

The face betrays what words conceal 

No armor forged, no mask so sure 

Those eyes alone cannot reveal

Past Present Future

Can you get a future if the past is your present?

At some point in life, I guess you just have to stop running behind something. Eventually it might catch up with you or it might just run past you. But at least you won't be exhausted when that happens cause you are no longer in a race with it.

Your She.

If only, you spoke to me, 

like you talked to her.

If only, you looked at me,

the way you looked at her.

If only, you could feel for me,

what you felt for her.
If only, you cared for me,
the way you cared about her.

If only, you understood that
 you mean to me,

what she means to you.

If only.......

 I was her
And you were me.

From rock bottom to (almost) rocking !

Every Sunday afternoons, at exactly 11 AM, my mobile beeps to indicate an incoming text message. This has been a routine for the last 16 months. Ever since I started an account with Ulster bank, Dublin. I had opted to receive weekly reminder on my account balance. Today was no different either. It's like an alarm for me. I woke up and since I had nothing better to read, I decided to check out the message.

Jesus 'Freaking' Christ !!! I am down by 675 euros from last Sunday. It's not even the 1'st yet. My rent isn't due until the 7th. And when I convert it into rupees, it's roughly 52,000 rs !

I couldn't be more awake now. What the hell happened to my money? I was pretty sure I am being robbed. I scroll to read my last week's balance and the week's before and the week before. That's when I noticed the pattern. On an average, it was going down by at least a 150 euros every week. Now I was more than sure that some smart-ass is swindling me. Fuming mad, I open the browser and I click on my last monthly statement.

Lo and behold ! Turns out that smart-ass swindler was none other than yours truly ! Or maybe a hidden personality in me I wasn't aware of. And where was all this money going every week? Pizza, pizza and more pizza and more food and a couple of departmental store purchases.

Now I am dazed. I had been cribbing the entire time of my hectic work schedule and how in the world did I find the time to do all this shopping and good lord.. Pizza? The largest, most extravagant pizza, always ordered with over 2 side servings (Did I mention I love the garlic bread?) and 2 cans of coke (not even diet)!
And that's when I found the culprit. 2 websites amazon.com and justeat.ie. There were even days when I had food delivery to my apartment 3 times a day and as if that was not enough, I purchased a pair of shoes too (I can't even recall if it was delivered or not).

I jumped off the bed and rushed to do what any other girl would have done. Hopped on to the digital weighing machine I had hidden in the bathroom. It's been a good 3 or 4 months since I checked my weight, but I did have a rough estimate of what I had weighed then. Today, when the digital display refused to stop even after crossing an excess of almost 18 kg from the last measurement, I didn't wait to see the final number. I turned away and jumped off...to have a look at myself in the mirror.

Here I am, nearly 20 kg (I was overweight earlier, so now I am pretty sure I have touched the obese mark), with a near empty bank balance and oh my god... is that a jalapeno stuck on my hair?

The million dollar question - How in the world did I get here???

Does a broken marriage do this to everybody or am I the only one?

And for the life of me, I couldn't remember the last time I actually stepped out of my building. I know I am still employed and working, but did I go to office at all? I check my outlook and yes, I was right. I haven't been to my office for the last 2 weeks at least.

So I did a retrace. I was back in Dublin from India on the 4th of May 2013 and today was was the 26th of May, exactly 3 weeks later. During this entire time, I haven't been to work, I haven't stepped out, my house is cluttered with boxes of pizza and take out containers, I have been stuck in my sweatpants (apparently the only ones which fit me) for god knows how long, despite all these, still miraculously touching bankruptcy and stuck with a jalapeno on my hair ! I am pretty sure this was rock bottom for me.

It's been over a month today since this really tragic realization hit me. I haven't shed the many extra pounds I had put on nor did my account gain the euros drastically either. But I do know for a fact I am no longer going downhill.
- I wake up everyday and force myself to go to work at least 3 days in a week. I take 1 day in between 2 consecutive days to prep myself for going out the next day.
- I make it a point to cook my own food, even if it is something as simple as a bread toast or as extravagant (!) as rice/sambar.
- For the first time, after many many months, I spent close to 2 hours in a saloon, getting my hair and eyebrows done. I even threw in a few extra cash to pamper myself with a much needed massage. Certainly money well spent.
- Since I no longer fit into any of my old clothes, I went out and got myself a few decent ones which doesn't make me look like the big fat pig that I am.
- Apparently, another undesirable side effect of putting on too much weight too fast, I have a face covered with zits and acne's. So I splurged a bit in getting some good concealers and foundation creams.
- I googled very earnestly to find out how Kareena got her size zero figure and even though I am not diligently following it word by word, I try to do it maybe once in 4 days. I hope I can be presentable in probably the next 6 months to come (most optimistically).

I couldn't have done all this without the help of my family and the few dear friends who popped in once in a while, on phone or email, to check on me. I am not proud of what has happened. Nor am I thrilled to be where I am today. I don't expect to be scooped up by a knight in shining silver armor anymore. But I certainly want to live my life with a smile on my face and feeling good about being alive.  I needed some time off from everything and everyone, to deal with my emotions and to assess where I stand and where I go from here. I did that and now I am back on my feet, pretty much to being the girl I was, almost 8 years ago. Before any of this came into my life. Much calmer, much saner.

What's worse than being 29 and single you ask me? It's being 29 and divorced. But I know I can deal with it. And I intend to do it on my own. I had been going around in circles with a zillion questions on my head about many many things and phases I had been through (likely to be another of my post soon), but I had never had this much clarity as I feel today. Nor the peace of mind. Nor the wonderful feeling of rebuilding hope again.

And last but never the least, I found solace in something more ultimate, the supreme power. I was never an atheist, but today I am a firm believer. I am not a religious fanatic, but I make it a point to light the lamp at least one time in a day. To see the holy glow light up the faces of the many gods I have assembled on a small side table gives me such a sense of relief, I am terribly ashamed that it took me all these years and so many experiences to get me here, but I am glad it's better late than never.

Since I have been so candidly honest in my entire post, there's another point that should not be missed. Yes, I do miss not having the physical presence of a close someone around. Someone who would hold my hand when I walk down the beautiful streets of Dublin. Someone to tell me if the dress I picked looks good on me. Someone to just sit down and share a cup of coffee with. And by this someone, I don't mean a boyfriend or lover, but I need a friend around. As thankful as I am for the wonderful people who have been around to help me while I was down, the irony is the fact that every single one of these people are miles and oceans apart, with lives of their own to deal with. It's just a feeling I get, but maybe my way up would have been much quicker, if there was one friend around here to hold my hand while I was getting up. Walking back in to an empty apartment is not a cake walk everyday. But again, that's a thing of the past too :). I have learnt to be happy with myself [no pun intended ;) ] and I am totally loving this new found sense of freedom, seeing the bright side of life and feeling bright and cheerful again.

A thing of the past is a thing of the past. I don't regret it. I am glad for it, but I am more glad now ! Forgive and forget. A lesson learnt for life. I look forward to bright sunny days ahead. Period.

Something I really like

After many years, I came across this bit of shayari again and I just couldn't resist sharing it here.

Main aur meri tanhai
Aksar ye batein karte hain
Tum hoti to kaisa hota
tu yeh kahti, tum woh kahti
Tum is baat pe hairan hoti
tum us baat pe kitni hasti
tum hoti to aisa hota, tum hoti to waisa hota
Main aur meri tanhai ,aksar yeh baten karte hain

For you...anytime, everytime.

In the almost pitch dark and the loud blaring music, I could barely hear what you were trying to speak to me. But when your arms swept across to my waist and got me closer , face to face, I din't feel the need to hear any words. So close enough that your warm breath on my face felt like a sweet whisper. It was the briefest embrace I have ever been in, but that one moment felt like an eternity. Your warm lips on mine and I could feel the very essence of being in love. Was this it? Was this how being in love felt like?

My head reeled.

It was a mad rush to get home and just be in each other's arms. As soon as possible. The chilling cold winds, the loud hoots at 3AM from the drunk youngsters on the roads did nothing to slow our hurried paces. We fumbled with the lock and somehow made it inside the house. And then we made love. Not once, Not twice. Till it was dawn and you had to leave. Your fingers don't fumble when you open my clothes, but I pretend your expertise doesn't bother me. Never before had being in love or making love felt so right. Never before did I ever want the sun to not rise in the horizon.

But, were we in love?

For you, I was just a celebration of your vanity. Your love was elsewhere. We made love. And you spoke to her, at every interval you got. Called her up to ask her how she’s doing, what she had for breakfast, whether she made it to work on time. Called her every day to tell her how you are doing. What you did in your day.

Of course there was no mention of me ever.

We never spoke. I might have just as well been yet another pillow in the bed. What I assumed started off as a wonderful beginning to love, became nothing more than a routine.

I wanted the conversations. I wanted to know what you are thinking about.

Did the food taste good? Do you think I looked pretty? Do I look good my hair let loose? I had no answers. I still don't know.

I waited for that one day when you might see what you mean to me. What being in love means. But to you, love was her. Conversation was her. Thoughts were her. 

You had your share of pain too, I know.  She was married to somebody else.  But you loved her too much to let her go. You cared enough about her to lie to me about it. But I didn't need to hear you say it, I know your heart and I know it beats for her. And only her. Behind every single lie you told me, I knew the truth. I still listened, because you were talking to me. Even though it was about her.

Yet, the wait was wonderful.

Was I the fool to believe that someday you would fall in love with me? Was it blind trust that I had in you to not see what my heart already knew?

It’s been so many days now. Do you miss me? I yearn to know.

I don’t wait to hear you say ‘I love you’. I have long given up hope of ever hearing it. But I want to know if you miss me. We had shared so much.  I wait to hear that it meant something to you. That I meant something to you.

And oh, happy anniversary. Our first year together.

I was too blind to see that you were too deaf to hear me.

Signed,
Love

Just yesterday. Today and tomorrow is a haze..

I am one of those countless women who have moved on from yesterday but not yet reached tomorrow. Life still hangs in the middle. Unsure of which way to tread. 

I am that girl

I am that girl who forgives everyone who gets mad at me. 

I am that girl who cares way too much about what people think of her. 

I am that girl who fears being alone. 

I am that girl who is scared of growing up. 

I am that girl who acts like I’m tough when really, I feel like crying.

I am that girl who says yes to everything, because I hate disappointing people.

I am that girl who tries to be nice to everyone then gets taken advantage of. 
I am that girl who doesn't care if it's a million dollars or a handmade card,
as long as you thought of me.

I am that girl who tries to express how she feels, but just cannot find the right words.

I am that girl who everyone thinks they know....but they just don't !

--Inspired from a random forward I saw today morning.

Friend or Foe

Top note: Apparently, changing the link wasn't so foolproof ! But well, it's the best I can manage with for now. Moving on to my thoughts for the day -

Is everyone you meet either a friend or foe? How easy is to distinguish between the two?

Honestly I am lost. I am not gullible. But I trust too fast and too much.  Well, maybe that is being gullible after all.

And I don’t filter what I say. But that’s only because I consider you a friend. I am not good at lying. At the first sign of a lie from my mouth, you can figure out what exactly the situation is. I get so awfully uncomfortable that I lose track of what I wanted to lie about.

Well then, if I have taken the liberty of trusting you so much, shouldn't the decent thing to do be to acknowledge my trust and reciprocate it? Why use my words against me? If I wanted the whole world to know about it, I would have shouted it out to the whole world. Why use my trust with you to judge my own character? Why use it to defame me?

I am going through a big phase of realization and transformation. Some things I had taken for granted are getting rewritten. Few people I have trusted are showing me their true colors.

I mean, honestly, is there really a true friend in this world? Is there this one person who will listen to all that you say and be genuinely happy for you or sad for you as it is? Isn't there always a selfish factor to it? Should a friend be someone who outs you just to make themselves safe?

Is it easier to not just make any friends at all? Where does one draw the line when it comes to friendship? How do I make sure that what I tell you in absolute confidence is not going to make the rounds and come back right at me? How in the world do I feel assured that you are not lying to me, on my face, even if it is something so simple that I know the truth about?

Have you ever been there? Do you know what it feels like?

 I do and I hate that feeling of vulnerability.

I have loved to walk with my head held high knowing that I am hurting no one and no one is hurting me. Sadly, that seems to be a distant past now. I am in the middle of the biggest mess of my life that I possibly could be in. And anywhere I turn, I see only judgmental people waiting for the first opportunity to throw back those much detested words.

At this juncture, I sit and ponder, how did I even get here in the first place? And how do I get out of all this?

Few points which strike me as the answers/solutions–

a)   I am here because I trusted people too easily. I let people in to my life when they had no need or even desire to be there.

b) I gave caution to the winds when talking to people.  Lesson learnt, never be entirely truthful. A white lie never hurts. If someone asks you about your salary, tell a lie. It’s as simple as that!

c) If you ask me a question, rest assured you will get the answer for it and for the next 10 questions that you could have asked. That’s how detailed my answers always were. Now I realize what a fool I had been.

d)  How do I go from here? Do I cut people from my life? Or do I simply just keep myself away from people? Does it help to be invisible?

e) And most importantly, do I really have to care about what people talk about me? Is it enough that my close friends and family know and understand me? Sadly I know the answer to that is a no, because I am very much affected by what others around me think/say/do. It gets to me and sometimes even gets me down.
f)  Last but not the least, learn to be rude to people. I had always wondered why there is a course out there just for saying ‘No’. Ironically, I see the importance now. If I had learnt to just say a stern ‘No’ in the first place, my life could probably have been a bigger ‘YES’ now!

Great, now this is a good start. I know what my mistakes were and I know how I got here. I just need to figure out how to get out of this.

Oh. I am already writing chick flicks. I need to get out of this rut. This is so not me !

A new beginning

And the deed is done.

For the last 7 years, my blog had been my identity. I never wanted to name my blog anything but my name. I was open to sharing my opinions with the world. I was never ashamed of what I wrote here and I was more than proud to share my blog with the rest of the world. I had been proud of being honest in my actions and deeds. I don't see why I should hide away and walk. But apparently, if you try standing alone, you will only be left alone. Walk with the crowd and you turn invisible.

And today, at this crossroad in my life, my blog , like me, has to be go anonymous. Inspite of all my big words and claims, I succumb to the pressure of the external society and let my thoughts go unheard and invisible. I hope a lot of world peace is achieved with this action of mine. Because if not, somebody is going to pay for this !

I am doing this only due to the unrelenting pressure on me from every side.Oh ! If only writing wasn't my first love, I wouldn't have hesitated even a second before deleting this blog out and going on with my life. Sadly this is the first and only love I have in this world. Giving it up would kill me more than having given up my life and future.

So to everyone who had read my blog as 'deepthi' so far.. I am just 'anonymous' moving forward. And if any of you happen to stumble across this new blog link, please post a comment on how you got here ! I would love to hear from you ;) !

And oh..so as a result, I am supposed to take down my photo too. Honestly I don't see what I have written here that has irked some part of this society so much, but to ensure continued sustainability and in the interest of common happiness, that deed is done too. My picture in blogspot comes down too.

Hopefully... a new beginning......

Edited note: May 26'th 2013 - The link is back again.I just couldn't resist it. I am no invisibilitycharm or anonymous. It's back to what it should be deepthirajagopal.blogspot.com and that's what it will be. If this causes world war 3..big deal !! All I can say is 'I don't care !

Dead or Divorced

I thought ‘Death’ meant the end of life as we know it. But apparently there is one more ‘D’ letter word which also technically denotes the end of life – ‘Divorce’.

            - Oh my god ! She is divorced and still on Facebook?

            -  Oh dear lord ! She is listening to music and raving about it?

            - She is still blogging?

            - She is still working and going out where people gather?

            - Why is she dressing up?

            - Why does she have a smile on her face?

This is just a sample of what comes your way if you are out of a marriage.

 Well, excuse me my dear ignorant human beings. But when someone gets a divorce, technically, they don’t slash off their eyes, ears or limbs. They pretty much still let us go out as the people we walked in. So I am still alive, breathing and very much capable of seeing, hearing, understanding and sometimes even participating in what goes on around me.

Just because my marriage didn't work out, don’t make me an outcast. I am still the same breathing walking talking person that I used to be. Probably a bit more wiser and maybe heartbroken too, but still the same person.

It takes two to make or break a marriage. Why is the girl always the scapegoat?

A 5 year old is raped, it’s the girl’s fault.

A marriage breaks, it’s the girl’s fault.

For heaven’s sake, give me a break ! 

If you cannot stand my updates on Facebook, get yourself knocked out of my list. I have absolutely no complaints. In fact I couldn't be more thankful !

I have a life and I have people who care for me and are worried about me and want to see me happy. I intend to live for them. It’s the least I can do.  I cannot live my life in a shell.

So, one marriage dint work out. For someone like me who believed that, to be married and settled is the ultimate aim in life, this was a huge eye opener. No. Life doesn't end with a marriage nor does it end with the termination of one. For people who find this concept preposterous, please feel free to borrow my shoes and walk in them. If you can get as far as I have, you have my respect and you have every right to judge me. But if you don’t, then shut your freaking mouth and stay away from me.

It is not easy being a single girl working away from family and dear ones. And now not possible all the more so, cause I don’t have a husband. Do you know what all goes into maintaining a home? Do you know how increasingly difficult it is to achieve all these despite being a girl? Do you even remotely understand how important and necessary it is for a girl to maintain her dignity and self respect and yet still have a social face and life? Do you know what it is like to be living a life where you are judged, scorned and looked down upon at every single day?

 If you have the answers to any of these questions, well then I guess you should have a fair idea of where I am coming from.

I am human.  Once was a mistake, but don’t judge me because of it. I will never regret or apologize for what happened. I will also never stand being taken for granted. I was never a feminist. Don’t make me one. 

I still believe there are a few good men out there and I respect them for the wonderful job they are doing in taking care of the women in their life. And yes, I envy those women too. I will be honest about it. But there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I have no idea what the message of this post of mine is. But it’s just a vent of my frustration at this point.

I just need the right to live, like every other regular girl on the face of this earth.. with a smile on my face and a tomorrow to look forward to.  Don’t come around ruining it for me. If you cannot help me, so be it. Don’t pull me down. Just let me be.

Declutter

You cant live in the past.

because no matter how tightly you hold on

...............its already gone !

The unframed frames

It's only going to sting a little bit and then its all good - said the doctor to me. I believed him. After all, I have always hated getting shots and every bit of consoling helps. But the doctor always lied to me. It stings not just a bit, but a lot. The sight of the blood oozing into the syringe dazes me and I am always left numb and throbbing.

The attorney also told me the same thing - it's going to hurt only a little bit, and it will all be over soon. He was lying too.

It's been so many days, weeks, months now. But the pain hasn't numbed at all. It's not the pain of what is lost. It's the fear of what's in store which hurts. The loneliness, the agony, the humiliation, the clarifications, the explanations - these are what hurts. The few good memories that were there are cast away by the misery which engulfs now.

I have been through this road before, a few years ago. When there was less at stake to lose and the hurt was probably lesser. But little did I know that it would catch up to me so very soon. The psych tells me to keep a journal to lessen my anxiety. My journal, which the world scrutinizes for every aspect of my life. Little does he know that it would only increase my anxiety more. But I decide to venture a risk nevertheless. After all, when all is lost, what's there to fear.

So now, I stand by to pick up the remnants of a life that never was and clear the debris away. The question is not 'Why'. It's 'Why me?'

As I smash the perfect frame which I had gifted myself to put in the perfect picture and watch it crumble to bits, I feel a relief I haven't felt in ages. Letting go was the easy and the wise part. Living on is the scary and difficult truth. It's not a 'You & Me', not a 'We' either. It's simply a plain 'I'.. today and tomorrow.


For the first time in my life, I hunt for a new motto to embrace.

'Smile like you have never cried
Fight like you have never lost
Love like you have never been hurt
Live like there's no tomorrow '..  easier said than done !

The elastic heart

For some weird reason, this had been a title stuck in my head for a very long time and I found it quite catchy. For the past couple of years,I have been toying with the idea of trying to come up with a nice post to go for it. And today I see the irony of it.

Elastic: As per the definition we are all familiar with, isn't it something which goes back to its original state even though it has been contracted, dilated or distorted? Well, Apparently not.


As 2 strangers we met
2 strangers we part.
Some journeys last a lifetime
Some take a lifetime away.
                                        - - - Deepthi